Relationship Boyfriend got cold and Break up

S

Supporter789

Hello guys,

i Hope you are all well! I am very New to this blog posting and i hope i dont get any shit Storms:
I just had a boyfriend for 10 months and things were perfect. He really loved me and introduced me to his parents and Family. It seemed like he did Not do that often before.
The relationship was perfect and ihr values were the same. He also Made future plans with me.
Then one day he wanted to talk to me and he told me that he has a Trauma (ptsd) from his many surgeries After his accident. He was very cold and distant.
He told me that the only reason he Wants to Break up with me is that i had a plastic surgery. I Never had a plastic surgery. He just assumed because of my scars but never asked. I had a surgery history myself.
When i told him the truth he was Kind of shocked and did not know what to do. I told hin several times to Break up with me that day but he always told me he cannot and he does Not know what he Wants and that he is embarrassed.
He Texted me After:“i am sorry and i am ashamed“.
2-3 days passed and i asked him if we can Talk again. He answered:“no i dont want to talk again“.
Now i do not know what to do. Will he come back ? I also Wrote a Letter now but i dont want to force him to like me. But he really loved me and i cannot Imagine him Not loving me anymore.
I appreciate your feedback very much!
 
S

Supporter789

Does anyone have a feedback? I would really love to Hear some opinions.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
If he is going to break up with you because you had surgery then maybe you dodged a bullet. What if you need surgery in the future?

PTSD triggers are his responsibility to manage. You did nothing wrong at all.
 

Sideways

Moderator
“no i dont want to talk again“
This is a hard statement to ignore.

If he contacts you again? Definitely it's an issue he needs to work through. Both of you may need surgery in the future (very likely if this ends up being a lifetime partnership), and it would make sense to me if you need some reassurance that he's not gonna break up with you just because one of you has a health issue crop up.

But there's an additional, much broader coping issue going on here. His reaction to being flooded was to break up with you. That aint gonna work, because he will get flooded again. And it could be anything. It could be too many stressors pile up on him, or another subtle trigger sends him over the edge (life with ptsd - it's gonna happen, likely many times!).

He's got a lot of work ahead of him. Sadly, in terms of your relationship? If he says "I don't want to talk", I think you need to respect that. It's not gonna work if he sets a boundary with you and you ignore it.
 
S

Supporter789

I appreciate your feedback! Thank you so much. I am completely New to all of this.
I wrote him a letter that i am still here and that i would love him to give me a sign that he is still fine one day.
I was very uplifting and did not set any pressure. I would really love to make it work. I read and learned a lot about ptsd the Last few days.
I am just a Person who would support him and be there for him. You are completely right i will give him the space and just wait and see if anything Happens.
Do you think that he feels ashamed to a point of no return?
After the Meeting he was completely confused and did not know what to do. He seemed to be shocked that he did not ask me before and Why he would not ask me before and Jump to conclusions..
I would really love for him to come back.
 

jenjak99

New Here
I feel your pain...truly. And in a strange way i almost envy you that he told you that he doesnt want to talk again. Mine has left me kind of hanging for...about a week now. Like totally ghosted me after months together. Very mixed messages like "i think i might want to be single" and "not hearing from you has been different ". No real discussion about why, not a single fight, negative responses to my asking if there was someone else, if he's no longer attracted to me, etc. But that's combat ptsd so maybe that's different (im new to this myself).
Limbo is THE WORST. Having things to say and not being ae to say them is the worst too. Am i single? Am i being the awesome gf that i am and sticking by my guy while he takes the space i said id give him? How long do i give? Girl, it sucks. I wish i had advice for you...unfortunately i just have empathy...and like i said a tiny bit of envy that you at least had some guidance. Not that it makes things ANY better or easier. I will say this site/app has been an absolute lifesaver for me, and im sure you'll find it helpful too
 
S

Supporter789

@jenjak99 feel you!! It does hurt a lot, but this Forum helps also so so much. I am very thankful for this Format.
Still hope he will wake up and get out of his isolation. I have still some stuff in my appartment of him and i dont know if i should bring it to him one day..
 

jenjak99

New Here
I appreciate your feedback! Thank you so much. I am completely New to all of this.
I wrote him a letter that i am still here and that i would love him to give me a sign that he is still fine one day.
I was very uplifting and did not set any pressure. I would really love to make it work. I read and learned a lot about ptsd the Last few days.
I am just a Person who would support him and be there for him. You are completely right i will give him the space and just wait and see if anything Happens.
Do you think that he feels ashamed to a point of no return?
After the Meeting he was completely confused and did not know what to do. He seemed to be shocked that he did not ask me before and Why he would not ask me before and Jump to conclusions..
I would really love for him to come back.

@jenjak99 feel you!! It does hurt a lot, but this Forum helps also so so much. I am very thankful for this Format.
Still hope he will wake up and get out of his isolation. I have still some stuff in my appartment of him and i dont know if i should bring it to him one day..
I hear you...i have stuff too. Ive pretty much gathered it up and hidden it for now...mostly because it hurts to look at. Fortunately a lot of it is useful to me, so if he doesnt come around maybe someday ill use those things!
 
S

Supporter789

@jenjak99 he was now able to watch a WhatsApp Status of mine - i did not call or text him anymore. I don‘t know…
 

Friday

Moderator
Then one day he wanted to talk to me and he told me that he has a Trauma (ptsd) from his many surgeries After his accident. He was very cold and distant.
He told me that the only reason he Wants to Break up with me is that i had a plastic surgery. I Never had a plastic surgery. He just assumed because of my scars but never asked. I had a surgery history myself
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Would be a helluva lot easier thing to hear, than someone jumping to an incorrect conclusion, and based off that premise? Make decisions that have nothing to do with you (because they’re dead wrong, to begin with) and everything to do with them.

At the very least? It provokes both insult (that someone you love has read you so wrong, & not even bothered to touch base with you, much less give you a voice), & argument. Yo! You are totally wrong. WTFO? Don’t do this.

But…

This? Is all him. Nothing to do with you.

Even if you’d had 10,000 plastic surgeries, much less none. HE is the one who is making decisions for the both of you, based off of totally incorrect assumptions and conclusions and living in a vacuum refusing to let you in, much less hold equal sway. Perfection? Just crashed into a telephone pole.

Because of him. Not you.
 
S

Supporter789

@Friday thank you so much for your words. Its really tough, at the one hand i feel the anger and disappointment. On the other hand (especially) after learning more about ptsd i kind of understand. But probably i need to wait if something comes from his side? I wrote him a letter, but i dont know if he read it or if he just likes to forget me now…
I am so grateful for this forum and people on this.
 
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