Boyfriend & toxic best friend trauma

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I recently started dating a friend in my main friend group. We were friends for a year before we started officially dating back in August.

He expressed interest in me since we first met. I wasn’t sure if he was my type at first, but over time (within the last 6 months) my romantic love for him grew after I realized how many values we shared and doing the self work to know what type of person I want to be with.

Meanwhile, we were pretty private with our relationship until we were ready to tell our friend group (mainly this is because of me. I wanted to make sure we were serious about each other before sharing it with our friends. I especially wanted to be sure I was serious about it since we share so many mutual friends).

We told our friends last September and since then many people have expressed how happy they are for us and love that we are together. Except for my “best friend” who is also very good friends with my boyfriend. She’s even closer to him than she was with me.

Last Monday (a week before his birthday) she got upset that we invited her to work out with us before our original time to meet up as a group. She said we weren’t considering her time, said she felt like a third wheel, and accused us of trying to postpone when we were not. We simply were planning to work out before meeting up. No time change was happening. She then proceeded to gaslight me when I tried to understand what was going on and attempted to resolve the issue. Finally I drew my boundaries but our texting conversation had already gotten out of control. She made many passive aggressive remarks and would take jabs at me whenever she got the chance.

My boyfriend and I talked about the situation and he told me that before him and I were dating, the “best friend” tried to separate us. She talked to him and told him she was looking out for him, that she though I was leading him on and that he should distance himself from me. He asked her why she didn’t talk to me directly about it and she claimed she didnt want to change his and my friendship (doesn’t make sense at all).

Thankfully he didn’t listen to her and now we are together. When my boyfriend and I were ready to start telling our friends we were together, the “best friend”talked to my boyfriend and said that it hurt her that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her sooner… instead of being happy for us, she made it about herself.

When I learned about all of this (the same day she gaslight me), my heart broke. I didn’t understand why she thought badly of me and talked to my boyfriend about it, but not me. I really thought she was my friend.

For his bday, she reached out to me about planning a surprise party for him (before I found out about everything) at her place and I thought it was a great idea. But then she would try to control all the planning. She wouldn’t let me be the one to bring him to the house. She said it would be more fun if I was already at the house waiting. She wanted him to show up alone. During the planning, she reached out to his family about the surprise party (even though she doesn’t know them) despite me knowing them. It felt like she really wanted it to be known that she was planning the party to everyone. Which was fine. I didn’t care. But after last Monday, it felt like her throwing the party had other motives.

The whole situation is odd. the best friend is even engaged and has her own relationship. I don’t believe she wants to be with my boyfriend (or that my boyfriend wants to be with her), but I do believe she has some unhealthy attachment to him or has something against me. For awhile, it always felt like I was walking on eggshells with her and didn’t know why. Now I have an idea why.

I don’t know what to do or how to comprehend what’s going on. My boyfriend has a hard time thinking the worst of her. He doesn’t think she treated me very nicely and is acting like a good friend to me but also wants to give her the benefit of the doubt and talk it out with her. I feel so betrayed by her though and it’s difficult for me to want her near me, let alone think of the idea of her and him still hanging out together knowing she would hurt me behind my back like that.

I don’t know what I should think or do. It already affected my relationship with my boyfriend. i got really upset with him after his bday party, cause i overheard them talking, and he invited her to hang out with us the next day. He said he felt so much love from everyone at the party, he forgot about all the stuff that was happening between me and her. She declined, but I had a hard time letting it not get to me afterwards. I was really upset and felt like he had forgotten about how much hurt she caused for me and the relationship. We stayed up all night talking, and both of us couldn’t sleep because of how upset I was.

I feel like such a terrible person for letting my anger get the best of me and how I chose to handle the situation. I have so much guilt that I got so upset on his birthday and that’s something I cannot take back. feel like this could truly affect my relationship with him.

What should I do?


Aloneness, I've locked your thread.

This is a PTSD forum.
I suspect you've posted here because you see your situation as traumatic.

It is not trauma. It's a pretty common relationship issue, and I'd recommend you seek advice from a relationship forum.

My take (so your time isn't completely wasted):

  • Your boyfriend's best friend doesn't like you. She's allowed to not like you.
  • Your boyfriend still likes his best friend. He's allowed to like his best friend.
  • You either decide you care about both of them, and want to mend the friendship,
  • Or you chalk it up to experience and move on.

Best of luck to you.
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