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BPD BPD back

Thread starter #1
I no longer clinically fit the description for borderline but still have borderline traits. I was doing REALLY well, no symptoms other than a lapse into self harm due to overwhelm a few months ago at the start of the pandemic (really bad, intense emotions and my relationships with people deteriorated). But I had been doing okay overall lately.

Recently I developed a crush on someone. It’s a healthy one, it makes logical sense, we have shared values, I find them attractive—that’s progress from anyone who would love me I would date/pine after, which resulted in some pretty negative experiences. I have a feeling it’s mutual, but I can’t really tell (and don’t wanna assume).

The first few weeks were pretty great, which is also an improvement. I didn’t automatically launch into “this person will save me from myself I must talk to them all the time and make it happen quick or it’ll never happen”. No, I did a slow burn. I was really proud of this, too.

But we took a step to closer intimacy (like closer than texting communication, pandemic and we live far apart although they have plans to visit eventually) and now every single BPD symptom I hate has come back. Or rather the emotions. I’m not acting on any of them, and coping okay.

But I will feel terrible abandonment fear pains that turn to anger. It makes me want to self harm more than anything. This makes me want to “push away” because I feel like I’m dangerous and I also feel hurt at a disappointment that I never communicate or even mention. I don’t think I can mention these things to this person because they’re my responsibility to deal with and I’d rather not like mark myself as “crazy” (my own belief about myself) because then they’ll reject me (even though my logical adult self doubts this, too, from my previous experiences with them. I think they’d understand and want to help but I also don’t want that pressure on someone).

I feel like I’m being too clingy, even though I’m not talking all that much. It makes me want to play more aloof and push away but I can’t even do that bc they will message me a lot too. I act and behave like I am not experiencing these things and mask it, and honestly some of that helps too. I’m also having that clinical boredom where nothing satisfies me and I just am so listless with life, like a total emptiness in my chest that feels like it’s going to eat me up.

I’m mostly proud of myself for coping better than the last time I got close with someone. But also sort of sad that I’m still experiencing this. I currently don’t have a T, but I’m in a weird transition period right now and I don’t know how helpful it would be. I just hate good things happening to me feeling like this. I just want to experience joy, not all these symptoms. I do experience it but not for long before another one comes in.
 
#2
I no longer clinically fit the description for borderline but still have borderline traits. I was doing REALLY well, no symptoms other than a lapse into self harm due to overwhelm a few months ago at the start of the pandemic (really bad, intense emotions and my relationships with people deteriorated). But I had been doing okay overall lately.

Recently I developed a crush on someone. It’s a healthy one, it makes logical sense, we have shared values, I find them attractive—that’s progress from anyone who would love me I would date/pine after, which resulted in some pretty negative experiences. I have a feeling it’s mutual, but I can’t really tell (and don’t wanna assume).

The first few weeks were pretty great, which is also an improvement. I didn’t automatically launch into “this person will save me from myself I must talk to them all the time and make it happen quick or it’ll never happen”. No, I did a slow burn. I was really proud of this, too.

But we took a step to closer intimacy (like closer than texting communication, pandemic and we live far apart although they have plans to visit eventually) and now every single BPD symptom I hate has come back. Or rather the emotions. I’m not acting on any of them, and coping okay.

But I will feel terrible abandonment fear pains that turn to anger. It makes me want to self harm more than anything. This makes me want to “push away” because I feel like I’m dangerous and I also feel hurt at a disappointment that I never communicate or even mention. I don’t think I can mention these things to this person because they’re my responsibility to deal with and I’d rather not like mark myself as “crazy” (my own belief about myself) because then they’ll reject me (even though my logical adult self doubts this, too, from my previous experiences with them. I think they’d understand and want to help but I also don’t want that pressure on someone).

I feel like I’m being too clingy, even though I’m not talking all that much. It makes me want to play more aloof and push away but I can’t even do that bc they will message me a lot too. I act and behave like I am not experiencing these things and mask it, and honestly some of that helps too. I’m also having that clinical boredom where nothing satisfies me and I just am so listless with life, like a total emptiness in my chest that feels like it’s going to eat me up.

I’m mostly proud of myself for coping better than the last time I got close with someone. But also sort of sad that I’m still experiencing this. I currently don’t have a T, but I’m in a weird transition period right now and I don’t know how helpful it would be. I just hate good things happening to me feeling like this. I just want to experience joy, not all these symptoms. I do experience it but not for long before another one comes in.
Pride is an awesome feeling. Feel it all the way.....like riding a surfboard all the way to shore!
 

joeylittle

Administrator
#3
I’m mostly proud of myself for coping better than the last time I got close with someone.
You absolutely should be - the fact you can recognize the symptoms, tackle them, all of it - that's very, very impressive, seriously. Well-done!
But also sort of sad that I’m still experiencing this. I currently don’t have a T, but I’m in a weird transition period right now and I don’t know how helpful it would be.
It might be good to get a little bit of outside support, if possible...just a regular place where you can be checking in, get some encouragement, etc. I can't remember if you're in the US, but if you are, you can check out www.nami.org for your area, see if there are any groups that could give you that. Since you can recognize the BPD symptoms, you could be fine in just a straight up mood and anxiety disorders group...

Or if you're still in quarantine mode where you are, might check out online therapists or DBT groups.
 
Thread starter #4
thank you @TruthSeeker and @joeylittle ! I'll check out the NAMI resources. We're still in quarantine here, and my old T is out for two weeks. I may look more into online therapy.

I did some serious self care and lifted myself out of the terrible down mood, but now I'm on a HUGE upswing. I know this probably isn't healthy either because I'm reacting to external things still, external opportunities and interactions with people I like. I feel like I'm almost "high" all the time despite taking no drugs. Just pervasive amazing mood. I know it's a BPD thing, but it feels so good to feel GOOD after feeling bad for a few days.

I'm trying to ground myself with sort of "negating statements", like okay this is a good thing, but it could not work out, there are things that could go wrong, not to make myself feel worse but to try to bring myself out of the all good no bad clouds lol. I'm hoping I'm making sense, I've been really out there the past 24 hours.
 
Thread starter #5
I don't think I could afford online therapy, unless I did find one that I could just do a session a month to check in! I'm going to be moving, possibly twice this year.

I think I'm so happy because I have something to look forward to for the first time since this pandemic started. I haven't had anything to look forward to until now! I'm just going to try to enjoy it.
 
#6
thank you @TruthSeeker and @joeylittle ! I'll check out the NAMI resources. We're still in quarantine here, and my old T is out for two weeks. I may look more into online therapy.

I did some serious self care and lifted myself out of the terrible down mood, but now I'm on a HUGE upswing. I know this probably isn't healthy either because I'm reacting to external things still, external opportunities and interactions with people I like. I feel like I'm almost "high" all the time despite taking no drugs. Just pervasive amazing mood. I know it's a BPD thing, but it feels so good to feel GOOD after feeling bad for a few days.

I'm trying to ground myself with sort of "negating statements", like okay this is a good thing, but it could not work out, there are things that could go wrong, not to make myself feel worse but to try to bring myself out of the all good no bad clouds lol. I'm hoping I'm making sense, I've been really out there the past 24 hours.
If I were you.....I'd just enjoy the feeling for what it is.....something less than what you are feeling will come along and "splat" on it soon enough....
 
Thread starter #10
Hi @TruthSeeker I call them that because they're reactionary to perceived abandonment or rejection, and they result in incredible fear (usually masked as anger) and I used to react very badly to them by seeking out reassurance excessively (like sending 50 text messages or calling someone 6 times in an hour). I don't do that anymore, but I used to drive people away with that. I also have a very, very strong urge to hurt myself during these times and while that's mostly under control now, I used to self harm a lot.

They're separate from being triggered related to PTSD, which has to do with my exact traumas (although abandonment is a trauma I guess). I have REALLY strong emotions to the point it's physically painful and all I can think about, although now I'm still technically functioning with them. Some triggers for me is people responding slowly/less than usual/differently than usual/ not asking me to do things as frequently/posting on social media and not responding to me.

I'm MUCH better than I was and no longer lash out at people but it's still such a struggle and painful. I think I'm having a relapse because I lost my therapist to cancer and I'm also talking to someone I have a crush on. People who I have a romantic attraction too generally is more of a trigger than friends, but I've had both trigger me. I've actually disabled my instagram for a while and since doing that my symptoms have been MUCH more manageable. Thinking about just staying off of it for a while or for good, it's such a huge improvement.
 
#11
Here's how I worked out abandonment issues-

Distorted thinking: I'm not good enough to be wanted or loved and I'll always be unhappy cause I wasn't loved enough by some and at all by others.
Facts:
My mother abandoned me and took the easy way-or maybe the only way....put me up for adoption...-she was unhappy and sick. I was given away.
My adoptive parents abandoned me emotionally-they were unhappy and sick people-drunks-couldn't feel feelings...cold people....I moved away.
My brother abandoned me-he was very sick, alcoholic, and did drugs...and couldn't feel....very narcissistic very ill-very abusive-I walked away never to return.
My only daughter-abandoned me when I walked away from the family, and she is a drug user/alcoholic-emotionally cold, distant, and very needy-she hung with bro. I walked away....this is what calls me back on her birthdays.....I'm glad they only last a day.
My 1st and 2nd husband abused and abandoned me....hum....I took a hard look at them...-unhappy and drunk/drugs-drank/narcotics-narcissistic and abusive-I walked away.

My conclusions: Those who abandoned the relationship, don't deserve me and letting go of dysfunctional people so I'm not caught up in the dysfunctional cycles of behavior is the only way I have a chance of living a happy life.

How to move on alone:
1. I have to continue to believe I don't need them in my life -I need to find healthy friends who have a strong value system.
2. I don't want to be needy (a dysfunctional role)..but relationships have give and take...gotta figure out boundaries for each relationship an not take more than I need. I'm always on the alert but this is getting easier to figure out as I get stronger and more aware.
3. I have a clear set of values to live by-can't be wishy washy in the values I seek to live by-they are a set of my beliefs about how I want to behave and how others will perceive me. I want to be seen as a good, kind, independent honorable person....not a needy or dysfunctional person.
4. The people I choose as friends need to be compatible with my values, have some kind of spirituality going on in their life, and we have at least one common interest we share and enjoy together.
5. To be complete and feeling like I have purpose in the world, I need to have a purpose in life-(...it's not fixing everyone else or people pleasing).....I have several now.
6. I now have a spiritual base...which works for me.....and gives me hope for continued change and happiness.
7. I also have a written plan for how I want to live my life. I come back to the writing....when I begin to doubt.
8. I need to use those values to set boundaries for communication and behavior with all people, including myself.
This is working.....so far....but so very hard and lonely at first. Abandonment can eat at you....or you can choose to be worthy of someone's love. Family isn't about score keeping or whose the best or did the most, it's about who shows up-regularly and with feelings and compassion. Belonging can happen in so many ways. It's about who in our lives, really can love and walk their talk-it's about trust. But I had to let those individuals on the list above, that caused me the pain of hurt/abandonment, let them go.....forever...I mourned what could have been, I said goodbye to what I potentially lost...and what was never to be....and then let it go....I did it several times in one year, and differently for different people.....
. ....only after I said goodbye in my heart to those who hurt me, happiness began to take the place of hurt. Dealing with the grief and bringing closure to it....putting it to rest....so hard, but so very necessary to moving in a happier place, with happier healthier people. Good luck on this....it is hard....glad you are back at your T.
 
Thread starter #12
This is beautiful and so helpful thank you @TruthSeeker
2. I don't want to be needy (a dysfunctional role)..but relationships have give and take...gotta figure out boundaries for each relationship an not take more than I need. I'm always on the alert but this is getting easier to figure out as I get stronger and more aware.
This is what I struggle with the most, the give and take. I think I'm getting better at this, but it's still SO hard. The awareness helps!!

3. I have a clear set of values to live by-can't be wishy washy in the values I seek to live by-they are a set of my beliefs about how I want to behave and how others will perceive me. I want to be seen as a good, kind, independent honorable person....not a needy or dysfunctional perso
I'm going to write my own set of values down, I thought I had some but I think I need to write them down. I would want to be known as kind, thoughtful, independent and creative. I also have a passion/life purpose, but I think another one could be creating and teaching others to create in order to heal. Creation has been so helpful to me for healing. I've been thinking about how I could make that into a nonprofit lately. I would also like to help people in general. I love helping people.

4. The people I choose as friends need to be compatible with my values, have some kind of spirituality going on in their life, and we have at least one common interest we share and enjoy together.
I think I'm starting to get here, which also scares me because friendships based on shared values and interests to me mean that it's harder to leave if something goes wrong. But the people I'm around now aren't people I would want to leave. I think that responsibility scares me, to tend to good relationships. But I push through and work it out.

7. I also have a written plan for how I want to live my life. I come back to the writing....when I begin to doubt.
I'm going to do this too! I think I'm actually starting to live my life how I think I want to, and it's been better. An old, terrible not-friend had called me complacent at one time, trying to manipulate me into moving with her. But maybe she was sort of right. Or maybe the timing just wasn't right before.

Thank you TS you've given me a lot to think about and work on!!
 
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