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Break up caused by my CPTSD

Thread starter #1
I've recently been dumped by my partner of 3+ years. He was the first person I ever actually let into my heart, and I thought, hell we both thought, we were each others forever. But about a month ago he broke up with me, and openly admitted that the reason was that he couldn't cope emotionally with my CPTSD, and the pretty severe anxiety and depression that comes with.

Which sucks, especially considering that at the time I was doing all the right things, taking meds, seeing a shrink, keeping to a good schedule.
By every metric possible I was doing better every day that I was the last. But it wasn't enough to save the relationship.

Apparently he can brave a battle field (he's in the army) but I'm too much effort, even at my best.

Ever since the breakup I've been a mess. All I really want out of life is to find someone to love and be loved with, and maybe even be a mother. But I feel like with my illness none of that will ever be possible. I had to stop taking most of my meds because they weren't helping with the depression, even with the max possible dosage.
And because I've moved (we were living together at his house) I've had to stop seeing my therapist. And I haven't summoned up the energy to find a new one yet, it took me 6 months to find the last one, and its incredibly emotionally taxing. Honestly I feel like I've lost the will to live.

Logically I know break ups suck, hell I've had plenty of them before this. But this is worse somehow. I'm never going to not have CPTSD. I might not always be quite do depressed and anxious, but I suspect I'll always be prone to bouts of both. If he couldn't cope with my illness, and neither can any of my friends, or my own damn family.... what's the point. Honestly I think I'd rather that my partner murdered me than left me. Because the realization that nobody can get close to me without burning out and either giving up on me entirely or needing space is a fate worse than death.

I'm really hoping somebody here might have some insight on how this feels.
 
#2
Because the realization that nobody can get close to me without burning out and either giving up on me entirely or needing space is a fate worse than death.
Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

1. All or nothing thinking -- You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. Over-generalization -- You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
^^^^This. In a big big way.

If you read through the article linked above? You’ll also probably notice some other cognitive distortions kicking into play.

What’s awesome about cognitive distortions? There are a whole lot of different & reeeeeally effective ways of sorting them.
Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts &
Negative thinking styles part ii: reframing negative thoughts

Doesn’t mean that heartbreak won’t hurt. Because it will. Broken hearts hurt. There will be pain, and grief, and sadness, and hurt feelings, and anger, and stress, and overwhelm, and a whole host of other things. It just won’t have the added problems of a few 500lb gorilla weights tag teaming you, on top of what already hurts. Sort of like being hungry, and then your hair catches on fire. Your hair being on fire doesn’t have to be a part of being hungry, and there’s no reason not to put the fire out first; nor to expect that it solves your hunger. 2 separate issues, instead of 1... even if they’re tangled together, because -at the moment- there’s a bed of hot coals you have to walk across to get to your fridge ;)

Logically I know break ups suck, hell I've had plenty of them before this. But this is worse somehow.
You also said this was also the first time you let someone into your heart.

That will usually hurt a whole lot more to lose them, than someone you care about but don’t love; which hurts a whole lot more than to break up with someone you like, but don’t care about; which hurts more than to break up with someone before you’re invested in them; which hurts more than breaking up with someone you not only aren’t invested in but don’t even like, much less care about.

Breakups are painful in a lot of different ways, depending on what the relationship and the person meant to you in your life. The more someone means to you, and the bigger a part of your life? The more it usually hurts. That’s not a bad thing? The more special someone is to me, the more they rate feeling their loss. If I’m not caring about losing the people I love best, or losing my mind over people who mean nothing to me? That would be a problem.
 
Thread starter #3
I'm wow, that's not true about over generalizing. And I'm pissed that you'd dismiss a valid feeling like that. My own mother has had to distance herself from me, otherwise she burns out and I don't see her for months, because she can't cope with my CPTSD, and I've lost every single friend ive been close enough not hide my symptoms from, because they also can't handle being friends with somebody with such severe mental issues. I don't appreciate the dismissal of my valid feelings as just a symptom of my illness. Im alowd to both be sick, and not blind to the fact that nobody in my life has EVER been capable of being close me the way they would with a healthy person. I regret posting at all, as that comment made me feel angry as well as heartbroken. Thanks random person.

How do I delete this thread, because I don't want to be patronized and talked down to. And if that's how the moderators are going to comment, I don't want to imagine what else is going to be posted. Seriously, wtf, who talks like that to somebody clearly in crisis and looking for reassurance. Where the hell is the dislike button???
 
#5
Hiya @Aviendha. It sounds like your having a really tough time. I too suffer from CPTSD. Trauma from multiple sources. I haven't been in a relationship for 17 years! Imagine that! Talk about lonely and hurt! Try not to be too hard on yourself or others that maybe trying to help or understand you. Try to find a new therapist to help you. Keep posting on here and maybe use the 'chat ' forum aswell.
you can get through this! All the best to you. S3. 😊
 
#6
And I'm pissed that you'd dismiss a valid feeling like that.
What did you want to hear? That you’re totally right, your boyfriend should have murdered you & no one else on the planet could possibly stand to get close to you? O_o

Would you tell a complete stranger who’s clearly hurting and has just poured their heart out that? If you would, then I could see maybe why you might expect someone else to just agree with you, no matter how much they don’t. But I wouldn’t.

My insight on how this feels? Is what I posted above. That there are two major things in play; very real heartbreak with all the complicated emotions around that, AND the symptomatic side of things. Not dismissing either, much less everything.

What I say, how I say it, my thoughts, opinions, & experience? Are just that. They don’t resonate with you? No worries. What you see as patronizing and being looked down on? I see as caring someone is hurting, and trying to be mindful of that, whilst sharing something that’s helped me a whole helluva lot in the same place / I happen to find wicked cool. Shrug. Total disconnects happen. Just because I find something reassuring doesn’t mean you will, and vice versa. One of the benefits of being a gigantic international forum is that there is a really diverse range of personality & experience to draw from. You don’t like what I say, or how I say it? Scroll on to the next.

Community Constitution
MyPTSD's personality ranges widely within a candid, empathetic, challenging, yet supportive membership. Diversity is the spice of life, and this community respects diverse opinions. A community philosophy often read here is "use what helps you, and ignore the rest."
As far as my being a moderator, all mods are members first, and we post as such.

If you think a mod has overstepped their bounds you’re always welcome to report the post, or use Contact Us, to discuss that with staff/admin.
 
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#7
I think @Aviendha should take feedback for sure. But @Friday, if you're open to some feedback too, sometimes I feel your comments are lacking in sympathy as well. We're not just problems to be figured out, but have feelings which have all too often have been trampled on. In my opinion feelings are at the core of our sense of self and wants to be recognized and treated with care.
 
#8
But @Friday, if you're open to some feedback too, sometimes I feel your comments are lacking in sympathy as well.
Hopefully, you find ALL of my posts lacking in sympathy! :D As I not only find pitying someone who is doing the best they can in a situation that’s hard as hell disgusting, but also a dismissive slap in the face to not even try to lend a hand and help them out.

In my opinion feelings are at the core of our sense of self and wants to be recognized and treated with care.
I very much agree.

People show they care in different ways. Usually in the way that helps them, the best. That’s not universal. People find different things useful.

I don’t want other people’s sympathy. I don’t want to be considered so incompetent and incapable that there’s nothing on the planet I could even attempt to improve the situation I’m asking for help with, so why bother sharing with me the things that have helped you? There, there. You poor thing. You’re too stupid and worthless to waste my time with. There, there.

f*ck that noise! Throw some solutions at me!!! Help me break apart this problem in different ways, give me some insight/outside perspective, share things you’ve tried or are trying, cheer me on, laugh with me... don’t tear me down and spit on me, or find me such a lost cause I’m worth crying over and nothing else.

What I want? What I find useful? Is what I offer to others.

What you want? What you find useful? Is probably what you offer to others.

It’s okay for those things to be different. I very much doubt when you’re offering sympathy to someone it’s because you get off on kicking someone and spitting on them when they’re down, or believe in them so little that they’re only worth your pity & aren’t worth even trying to help. You probably feel very differently, (or at least I’d hope so!), and are offering help in the best way you know how / in the way that would be best for someone to offer help to you. As am I. We’re simply different people, with different personalities, who feel differently about things.
 
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#10
@Friday, I think overly indulging someone's pain can enable behaviors that are destructive to self and others. In fact, I think that's actually the number one reason how abusive people justify their abuse - they are in such pain that they have to "fight back." But they didn't really mean to be abusive. I guess your approach could serve as a wake up call. My T's big thing is that all feelings are acceptable and should be recognized even if not all behaviors should be. I try to embrace all feelings while not accepting behaviors that are disrespectful, destructive, harmful to others, etc. I know that for me, my "f*ck your feelings" moments were probably motivated by my own parents disregard for my feelings.
 
#11
I know that for me, my "f*ck your feelings" moments were probably motivated by my own parents disregard for my feelings.
Is that still where you’re reasoning I’m coming from, when offering up ideas/solutions/brainstorming/etc. to problems?

***
Say someone is curled up crying their eyes out, because they’re hungry.

There is probably value on someone sitting beside them, and letting them cry on their shoulder, and talking with them about how awful being hungry is.

But can you not see the value in someone grinning at them, grabbing their hands, pulling them to their feet and saying “C’mon, then! Let’s go get you some food!”

Being solution oriented, instead of sympathy oriented, doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people’s feelings. It means you care enough to try and do something about it.

It’s a different way of caring, certainly, but it couldn’t be further from “f*ck their feelings”.
 
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#12
I've recently been dumped by my partner of 3+ years. He was the first person I ever actually let into my heart, and I thought, hell we both thought, we were each others forever. But about a month ago he broke up with me, and openly admitted that the reason was that he couldn't cope emotionally with my CPTSD, and the pretty severe anxiety and depression that comes with.

Which sucks, especially considering that at the time I was doing all the right things, taking meds, seeing a shrink, keeping to a good schedule.
By every metric possible I was doing better every day that I was the last. But it wasn't enough to save the relationship.

Apparently he can brave a battle field (he's in the army) but I'm too much effort, even at my best.

Ever since the breakup I've been a mess. All I really want out of life is to find someone to love and be loved with, and maybe even be a mother. But I feel like with my illness none of that will ever be possible. I had to stop taking most of my meds because they weren't helping with the depression, even with the max possible dosage.
And because I've moved (we were living together at his house) I've had to stop seeing my therapist. And I haven't summoned up the energy to find a new one yet, it took me 6 months to find the last one, and its incredibly emotionally taxing. Honestly I feel like I've lost the will to live.

Logically I know break ups suck, hell I've had plenty of them before this. But this is worse somehow. I'm never going to not have CPTSD. I might not always be quite do depressed and anxious, but I suspect I'll always be prone to bouts of both. If he couldn't cope with my illness, and neither can any of my friends, or my own damn family.... what's the point. Honestly I think I'd rather that my partner murdered me than left me. Because the realization that nobody can get close to me without burning out and either giving up on me entirely or needing space is a fate worse than death.

I'm really hoping somebody here might have some insight on how this feels.

I could have written this post myself 23 years ago. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could say it will magically go away, but the truth is it is probably going to hurt like hell for a long time. You opened yourself up to him thinking that this was going to be someone you could count on forever. So, that ending hurts. But your pain is magnified, because he told something out of your control, your PTSD, was the reason.

The reason he ended the relationship had everything to do with him, not you. Please, do not beat yourself up over this, or blame yourself for his actions.

Maybe sit down with a good friend and make a list of his short-comings. It might help you to get over him easier.

Just know that even though it hurts now, it was better that it happen now than if you had gotten married and had children with him. That might sound harsh, and I hope it doesn't. Basically, in the long run you are going to better off without someone like him who can't deal.

When this happen to me, I stuffed my feelings and did a bunch of self-destructive things in the wake of that break-up. All of which led to more abuse and eventually falling under the spell of a sociopath.

What I would do is encourage you to feel your feelings and express them. Also, until you get in a better place it might be best not to get romantically involved. Additionally, if he wants you back sometime in the future, I personally think this would be a bad idea; again based on experience.

I'm sending you virtual hugs. I wish I could offer more. Please, take care of yourself and keep reaching out for support.
 
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