Weedflower
Learning
Yesterday, I couldn't stop having panic attacks. I had five before 12pm. I used to just be anxious and depressed. I was getting better for a while. My depression isn't really there anymore. But now I'm even more anxious. And now it's accompanied by anger. I haven't felt this angry since I was trapped with my abuser. I don't like feeling this angry.
So yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. But there aren't many sane, acceptable immediate releases for anger. I tried something new, something I heard works, something that could give me an immediate release.
I had this set of apple dishes. Country-style, big, heavy. I hated them. They were my mother's. I don't know why I kept them. She would force me to wash the dishes every day. For four-eight people depending on if we had guests or not. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. All the dishes. All washed and dried and put away before I could go to bed. They had to be thoroughly scrubbed with soap and a sponge, then run through the dishwasher to be sterilized. If they weren't dry when it was done, I had to do it by hand. Sometimes this was 2-3 loads of dishes in a day. One if I was lucky. I'd finish around 1am usually, then have to get up at 6am.
So I hated those dishes. And I don't know why I kept them. But I guess it was good I did because it was a way for me to take my anger out on the person who deserves it, without hurting anyone or myself or having another round of panic attacks.
And it felt so good. One at a time, all twenty or so dishes. Plates, bowls, mugs. One for every shitty week I had to wash those shitty dishes. And it looked so beautiful when it was done. Shattered pieces everywhere filling up my tiny back patio and spilling out into the grass. I finally felt a little less angry.
But then apparently my roommate was home and she was pissed I didn't warn her first. I didn't think it would be that bad. I was in the back yard. She was upstairs. But I guess I get it. So I was embarrassed and then I just felt sad again.
And then my boss sent me this email while I was in class. He's angry and wants to meet with me this week. I think I might get fired or seriously lectured. My boss isn't a mean person. And I did screw up. But authority figures terrify me even when they're praising me. And he's angry. So I started having a sever attack in class. I felt it coming on and tried to take deep breaths like my therapist said. But my chest tightened up so quickly and I couldn't suck in the air fast enough. I jumped up out of my seat and bolted out of the room. Everyone stared at me as I ran out. My classmate text me asking wtf just happened. I sat behind the building gasping for air and crying and choking and dry heaving.
I just left school and laid down in bed listening to music for two hours, hid myself under a comfy blanket, tried to sleep. I tried calling my dad but he was working. So I just laid there. Then my therapist text me to push our appointment back a few days.
Yesterday was shit. I hope today is better, but I feel just as anxious. I don't want to go meet my boss. I have to, and I will, but I'm so scared. I feel like puking.
I'm dealing with normal crap, so why can't I just handle it normally? Any tips on how to stop being so angry and anxious would help. I refuse to go on medication unless I'm so unstable I'm hurting people around me. So that's not an option. I don't like it. I've had bad experiences with it.
So yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. But there aren't many sane, acceptable immediate releases for anger. I tried something new, something I heard works, something that could give me an immediate release.
I had this set of apple dishes. Country-style, big, heavy. I hated them. They were my mother's. I don't know why I kept them. She would force me to wash the dishes every day. For four-eight people depending on if we had guests or not. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. All the dishes. All washed and dried and put away before I could go to bed. They had to be thoroughly scrubbed with soap and a sponge, then run through the dishwasher to be sterilized. If they weren't dry when it was done, I had to do it by hand. Sometimes this was 2-3 loads of dishes in a day. One if I was lucky. I'd finish around 1am usually, then have to get up at 6am.
So I hated those dishes. And I don't know why I kept them. But I guess it was good I did because it was a way for me to take my anger out on the person who deserves it, without hurting anyone or myself or having another round of panic attacks.
And it felt so good. One at a time, all twenty or so dishes. Plates, bowls, mugs. One for every shitty week I had to wash those shitty dishes. And it looked so beautiful when it was done. Shattered pieces everywhere filling up my tiny back patio and spilling out into the grass. I finally felt a little less angry.
But then apparently my roommate was home and she was pissed I didn't warn her first. I didn't think it would be that bad. I was in the back yard. She was upstairs. But I guess I get it. So I was embarrassed and then I just felt sad again.
And then my boss sent me this email while I was in class. He's angry and wants to meet with me this week. I think I might get fired or seriously lectured. My boss isn't a mean person. And I did screw up. But authority figures terrify me even when they're praising me. And he's angry. So I started having a sever attack in class. I felt it coming on and tried to take deep breaths like my therapist said. But my chest tightened up so quickly and I couldn't suck in the air fast enough. I jumped up out of my seat and bolted out of the room. Everyone stared at me as I ran out. My classmate text me asking wtf just happened. I sat behind the building gasping for air and crying and choking and dry heaving.
I just left school and laid down in bed listening to music for two hours, hid myself under a comfy blanket, tried to sleep. I tried calling my dad but he was working. So I just laid there. Then my therapist text me to push our appointment back a few days.
Yesterday was shit. I hope today is better, but I feel just as anxious. I don't want to go meet my boss. I have to, and I will, but I'm so scared. I feel like puking.
I'm dealing with normal crap, so why can't I just handle it normally? Any tips on how to stop being so angry and anxious would help. I refuse to go on medication unless I'm so unstable I'm hurting people around me. So that's not an option. I don't like it. I've had bad experiences with it.