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Breaking Glass

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Weedflower

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Yesterday, I couldn't stop having panic attacks. I had five before 12pm. I used to just be anxious and depressed. I was getting better for a while. My depression isn't really there anymore. But now I'm even more anxious. And now it's accompanied by anger. I haven't felt this angry since I was trapped with my abuser. I don't like feeling this angry.

So yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. But there aren't many sane, acceptable immediate releases for anger. I tried something new, something I heard works, something that could give me an immediate release.

I had this set of apple dishes. Country-style, big, heavy. I hated them. They were my mother's. I don't know why I kept them. She would force me to wash the dishes every day. For four-eight people depending on if we had guests or not. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. All the dishes. All washed and dried and put away before I could go to bed. They had to be thoroughly scrubbed with soap and a sponge, then run through the dishwasher to be sterilized. If they weren't dry when it was done, I had to do it by hand. Sometimes this was 2-3 loads of dishes in a day. One if I was lucky. I'd finish around 1am usually, then have to get up at 6am.

So I hated those dishes. And I don't know why I kept them. But I guess it was good I did because it was a way for me to take my anger out on the person who deserves it, without hurting anyone or myself or having another round of panic attacks.

And it felt so good. One at a time, all twenty or so dishes. Plates, bowls, mugs. One for every shitty week I had to wash those shitty dishes. And it looked so beautiful when it was done. Shattered pieces everywhere filling up my tiny back patio and spilling out into the grass. I finally felt a little less angry.

But then apparently my roommate was home and she was pissed I didn't warn her first. I didn't think it would be that bad. I was in the back yard. She was upstairs. But I guess I get it. So I was embarrassed and then I just felt sad again.

And then my boss sent me this email while I was in class. He's angry and wants to meet with me this week. I think I might get fired or seriously lectured. My boss isn't a mean person. And I did screw up. But authority figures terrify me even when they're praising me. And he's angry. So I started having a sever attack in class. I felt it coming on and tried to take deep breaths like my therapist said. But my chest tightened up so quickly and I couldn't suck in the air fast enough. I jumped up out of my seat and bolted out of the room. Everyone stared at me as I ran out. My classmate text me asking wtf just happened. I sat behind the building gasping for air and crying and choking and dry heaving.

I just left school and laid down in bed listening to music for two hours, hid myself under a comfy blanket, tried to sleep. I tried calling my dad but he was working. So I just laid there. Then my therapist text me to push our appointment back a few days.

Yesterday was shit. I hope today is better, but I feel just as anxious. I don't want to go meet my boss. I have to, and I will, but I'm so scared. I feel like puking.

I'm dealing with normal crap, so why can't I just handle it normally? Any tips on how to stop being so angry and anxious would help. I refuse to go on medication unless I'm so unstable I'm hurting people around me. So that's not an option. I don't like it. I've had bad experiences with it.
 
So find some more glass to break !! That is one of the most satisfying ways to get rid of anger and stress... I would go to yard sales or junk stores and buy cheap plates, glasses, ect.. I had a box full of that stuff...I loved the sound and the feeling... I was in a situation where i could scream and cry and curse and say what those those feelings were, put names to it...
But of course I had to learn other techniques..more soothing self care along the way.... it was good at first, then realized I was feeding the anger instead of dealing with it...
If you are refusing meds... then you will have to really commit to finding ways to deal with the anxiety.... I do many different things to help myself today... breathing deep and slow... nature... reading books that I don't remember, just to get my mind to stop and pay attention to other things.... I trace things with my eyes if I am in a public place... just slowly trace the outlines in a tacky painting in the Dr's office...ect...
But I am on meds.... in my case i had nothing to prove and was tired of suffering... no meds takes it all away, we still have to find ways to ground...not recommending you get on meds, not at all, but am saying you are going to have to commit and follow thru on ways to ground yourself... hope some of this helped.... Anxiety is a horrible feeling... especially when we know it's coming on and we can't stop it... I do understand.
 
Yesterday, I couldn't stop having panic attacks. I had five before 12pm. I used to just be anxious a...
I sometimes do the "Smell the flowers, blow out the candle" techniques, I breathe in through my nose for 5 seconds and exhale for 5 seconds. Or listening to calming music.

So find some more glass to break !! That is one of the most satisfying ways to get rid of anger and stres...
Thank you. I've thought of finding more glass. I don't know where I'm going to put it all when I'm done. I saw this art piece in a movie where this woman was angry at her husband for cheating on her. So she'd break glass figurines and then plaster the pieces to the wall in her house. She did that for ten years until she stopped feeling angry. It was just a movie, but maybe I'll do something like that on a canvas. Turn my anger into art.

I have some things I try to do. My art is helpful. I can't draw too much though because I have carpal tunnel. I try the breathing exercises. They help, but they can't always stop my attacks. I try drinking water. I trace things with my eyes too and read. Walks help a lot. I can't run because I have knee problems. Sometimes the only thing that feels good is screaming at the top of my lungs when no one is around. I think about hiding my little stuffed cow in my backpack, but I'm embarrassed because I'm an adult so people will think it's weird if they do see it. I want to get a therapy dog, but I don't have money right now.

I sometimes do the "Smell the flowers, blow out the candle" techniques, I breathe in through my nose...
I do those things too. Sometimes the music makes me cry though. So I can't do that in public always. I try breathing, but sometimes I can't stop it even with the breathing.

Thank you.
 
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@Weedflower, it doesn't have to be a therapy dog... it can be a rescue.... a great companion for at home... or even when you are taking walks....many dogs need homes and people... and we need someone loyal in our life... I think there are courses you can take to train a rescue to be a therapy dog.... Google it..
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And I think making art from the pieces is a great idea... wish I had thought of that.... or you just throw it away.... like what ever feelings were going on at the time... once it's all spent on the breaking... discard it... it is symbolic of being done with that part.... that was my mind set at the time...

I couldn't do the screaming much... I needed it to be physical.... which is guess includes screaming....but i cursed a blue streak as I was breaking things.... !!!!

And take your cow with you !!! Quite a few here take their comfort stuffed animal with them...Who cares what people think... have it in your purse so you can reach down and touch it.. or carry it in a pocket.... if anyone asks, just smile and say, it's a comfort thing, you should try it.... and let the subject drop.
You are an adult! Are you afraid someone will think you are weird?? We ARE weird...they have no idea what we have to do just to walk out our own front door.
A hundred years from now it will not matter what anyone thought about you having a cow in your purse!
Be nice to you!!
Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
@Weedflower, it doesn't have to be a therapy dog... it can be a rescue.... a great com...
I am constantly surprised at how much I share in common with people here. Just knowing that makes me feel so much more sane.

I don't have money to take care of a dog right now. I'm in college so expenses are high and time is limited. :/ But I have been doing lots of research on doggos trying to prepare for when I do have money.

I could try throwing them away. But at least with this first set of dishes I feel like something more needs to be done with it.

Screaming feels good to me because I'm forcing everything out of my lungs. But yeah, sometimes it's nice to have something to hit or break along with it. I just wonder if enough screaming and breaking things and then breathing and walking and other calm things will be enough to take the anger away.

And you're right. Screw everyone else. I think I'll take my cow with me to survive tomorrow. He's tiny so he fits easily in anything. I hope it'll help.

Gentle hugs are accepted!
 
Yesterday, I couldn't stop having panic attacks. I had five before 12pm. I used to just be anxious a...
Hi,
Never feel shitty about your Self - considering the circumstances you act totally normal - as the fear and rage is dragging a lot of energy - there are 2 things that helped me - maybe you want to give it a try. 1. Be your best Friend if there is body else thats what need 2. Try Belleruth Naparsteks guided imagery panic attacks
 
Someone on this website mentioned throwing or breaking up ice instead of plates. It is self cleaning when done outside and will make some shattering noises if it is frozen in bigger sheets. I'm still afraid to throw anything as knowing my luck it would richochet back on me or cause me harm in some way.

As far as the stuffed animal, many adults have stuffed animals or some sort of collectible they like to have with them. I noticed too some TY Beanies which are small and clip on backpacks or keychains. Maybe something like that would be easier for you if you are worried about what others think. I found a small stuffed emotji , which I told someone who asked about it, that it was my stress item.

The anger is good...it means you have feelings surfacing and are getting to where you can work through what is under the anger. My therapist has been trying to convince me it is okay to be angry. She would be delighted if I could yell, break something, cry and curse. She has been encouraging me to break dishes or ice for a couple years. I am getting to where I feel the anger, but still stuff it out of fear. You have told us how breaking the dishes seemed to help. Perhaps I need to try it...with goggles on!
 
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