Breaking the back of corrosive self doubt...I have progressed enough to engage with this now.

ms spock

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Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today. So this is huge. It's f*cking huge! It's also pretty amazing but it is also very, very, very hard for me to conceptualise or manage. I am around the edges of it. It has taken me most of my life working so ever hard to get here.

The thing is that I am actually able to address this now whereas before going within 50 km was straight to suicidal ideation, vicious recriminations, self harm, binge eating, major depressive episode and complete acting out or losing my shit. So that's huge progress. I really didn't know if I would ever get here, but I have. It feels frustrating that I have so much more work to do but also such a relief to finally get here. But I can be aware of it for 30 seconds or a couple of minutes and then I land back into ruminations, recriminations or all the usual shite that everyone knows way to well on this forum. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.

I don't want to be lost in ruminations and/or paralyzed by anxiety that means that I lash out or panic and I am sometimes over reactive towards students. It means I don't confidently set the tone for some classes, so I make things very hard for myself and also it's really not good and during two classes of the second last day I taught. I really want to be there for my students. I was poor with my behaviour management and classroom management and teaching in my second last teaching day. I am not getting a lot of teaching at the moment and that is really a good thing because I am really struggling with it all. I am actually not mentally well enough to do it at the moment. So it has worked out well. I only have 30 days in the classroom. I had the possibility of a contract but I didn't manage the class well, and it was good they were aware enough of what I was doing to respond to that. So it's a pretty good school.

So I am hoping this will be away to cut through the dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation or maladaptive daydreaming. I would like to be present in this now.

Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.

This is really f*cking shitful. I have an attitude towards myself that is so half tramatised child/half tramatised teenager. It's like a large of part just sits there attacking me no matter what I do. It's like the reality of being with B for 7 years doesn't' even exist at all. It's like a desert that I am living in without any love or care.

I am so completely f*cking harsh on myself, and it's only when I go down in to depressive spiral or I totally lose it that I realise how well I was going. It's so bizarre and I have been stuck in a trauma loop and I keep trying to do the same thing over and over again. It's so weird what I do. SO.f*ckING.WEIRD.

But it's the next step in my recovery/management journey.

So now for some restorative justice. I have to mend things.
 

ms spock

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Naming this meant I had an absolute total melt down last night. I was a mess. The bounceback was huge!

I took 4 Endep and a Stillnox and still didn't go to sleep until 4am in the morning. I wasn't assertive last night. I needed to have been assertive. I felt crushingly insecure in a social situation. I was spinning out for the rest of the night. The corrosive self doubt took over and I really was freaking out. It was pretty horrible.

I slept in this morning and I didn't get up until 1.30 pm if I had taken work this morning I would have blown it but no one rang me for work.

I over ate continuously yesterday.I was so wanting to binge yesterday. I was totally overwhelmed by the emotions.

I am disappointed in my partner. My partner didn't take basic responsibility for breakfast this morning. We've had hundreds of conversations about this.
 
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bellbird

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Cheering you on and sending support.
You have bravery and strength beyond what words can describe.

Bouncebacks are always so hard. My old T and I called them backlash waves.

Thing is, once you overcome this bounceback (which you will), you will already be so many steps ahead of where you started -- naming things is a huge deal. You have done well. Take extra care as you ride out this wave, and then we'll take the next step.
 

ms spock

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Bouncebacks are always so hard. My old T and I called them backlash waves.
That's a good description.

Thing is, once you overcome this bounceback (which you will), you will already be so many steps ahead of where you started -- naming things is a huge deal. You have done well. Take extra care as you ride out this wave, and then we'll take the next step.
Yeah it's been pretty wild.
 

ms spock

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I really want to break down my self hatred and my corrosive self doubt. It's really challenging for me. I really need to do these two otherwise I am dissociating from my self concept and I am not present in this now. It's a real struggle. I have to be here now. And I can't seem to be here now because the overwhelming self hatred rises up and the self doubt chews on me and spits me out in teeny tiny pieces.
 

ms spock

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I have had huge bounce backs today. It been really tough going. f*ck I wish I was on the tail end of dealing with this rather than at the beginning. I can't really do much about it right now until I become more stable. It's tough going. So I am noticing more. I am noticing more. That's important.
 

ms spock

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So this is improving I am still struggling a lot but I am more aware and I am more present. It's really hard, feels shit, but it's a humongous improvement.
 

ms spock

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This is where it's at for me.

CBT involves the use of two evidence-based techniques:

1. Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP)
2. Cognitive Therapy (CT). Cognitive Behavior Therapy — I also use medication —

is the only scientifically-supported and effective treatment for OCD.
 
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