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Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today. So this is huge. It's f*cking huge! It's also pretty amazing but it is also very, very, very hard for me to conceptualise or manage. I am around the edges of it. It has taken me most of my life working so ever hard to get here.
The thing is that I am actually able to address this now whereas before going within 50 km was straight to suicidal ideation, vicious recriminations, self harm, binge eating, major depressive episode and complete acting out or losing my shit. So that's huge progress. I really didn't know if I would ever get here, but I have. It feels frustrating that I have so much more work to do but also such a relief to finally get here. But I can be aware of it for 30 seconds or a couple of minutes and then I land back into ruminations, recriminations or all the usual shite that everyone knows way to well on this forum. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.
I don't want to be lost in ruminations and/or paralyzed by anxiety that means that I lash out or panic and I am sometimes over reactive towards students. It means I don't confidently set the tone for some classes, so I make things very hard for myself and also it's really not good and during two classes of the second last day I taught. I really want to be there for my students. I was poor with my behaviour management and classroom management and teaching in my second last teaching day. I am not getting a lot of teaching at the moment and that is really a good thing because I am really struggling with it all. I am actually not mentally well enough to do it at the moment. So it has worked out well. I only have 30 days in the classroom. I had the possibility of a contract but I didn't manage the class well, and it was good they were aware enough of what I was doing to respond to that. So it's a pretty good school.
So I am hoping this will be away to cut through the dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation or maladaptive daydreaming. I would like to be present in this now.
Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.
This is really f*cking shitful. I have an attitude towards myself that is so half tramatised child/half tramatised teenager. It's like a large of part just sits there attacking me no matter what I do. It's like the reality of being with B for 7 years doesn't' even exist at all. It's like a desert that I am living in without any love or care.
I am so completely f*cking harsh on myself, and it's only when I go down in to depressive spiral or I totally lose it that I realise how well I was going. It's so bizarre and I have been stuck in a trauma loop and I keep trying to do the same thing over and over again. It's so weird what I do. SO.f*ckING.WEIRD.
But it's the next step in my recovery/management journey.
So now for some restorative justice. I have to mend things.
The thing is that I am actually able to address this now whereas before going within 50 km was straight to suicidal ideation, vicious recriminations, self harm, binge eating, major depressive episode and complete acting out or losing my shit. So that's huge progress. I really didn't know if I would ever get here, but I have. It feels frustrating that I have so much more work to do but also such a relief to finally get here. But I can be aware of it for 30 seconds or a couple of minutes and then I land back into ruminations, recriminations or all the usual shite that everyone knows way to well on this forum. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.
I don't want to be lost in ruminations and/or paralyzed by anxiety that means that I lash out or panic and I am sometimes over reactive towards students. It means I don't confidently set the tone for some classes, so I make things very hard for myself and also it's really not good and during two classes of the second last day I taught. I really want to be there for my students. I was poor with my behaviour management and classroom management and teaching in my second last teaching day. I am not getting a lot of teaching at the moment and that is really a good thing because I am really struggling with it all. I am actually not mentally well enough to do it at the moment. So it has worked out well. I only have 30 days in the classroom. I had the possibility of a contract but I didn't manage the class well, and it was good they were aware enough of what I was doing to respond to that. So it's a pretty good school.
So I am hoping this will be away to cut through the dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation or maladaptive daydreaming. I would like to be present in this now.
Breaking the Back of my Corrosive Self Doubt that's where I am today.
This is really f*cking shitful. I have an attitude towards myself that is so half tramatised child/half tramatised teenager. It's like a large of part just sits there attacking me no matter what I do. It's like the reality of being with B for 7 years doesn't' even exist at all. It's like a desert that I am living in without any love or care.
I am so completely f*cking harsh on myself, and it's only when I go down in to depressive spiral or I totally lose it that I realise how well I was going. It's so bizarre and I have been stuck in a trauma loop and I keep trying to do the same thing over and over again. It's so weird what I do. SO.f*ckING.WEIRD.
But it's the next step in my recovery/management journey.
So now for some restorative justice. I have to mend things.