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Breaking the Cycle of Violence- I Don't Believe it's Possible

Discussion in 'General' started by becvan, Sep 25, 2007.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Well, that is exactly what this thread is about. I've been actively attempting to break the cycle for five years. To stop being a victim of domestic violence, to stop my children from witnessing and experiencing it themselves.

    I just don't believe it's possible.

    I really don't. I mean, I've made some improvements but not enough. The last guy I was with, I thought I had done it. I was in love, I was happy, I thought I was treated well and so was my son. Then the son of a bitch went to jail, found out he'd lied to me, and I'd bought it. Lock, stock, and barrel.

    So, now comes the same old argument again. (and I do not want to hear the whole fairy tale bullshit "you'll meet the right man when the time is right" any more)

    I've never seen any one actually break it. Not one person. I truly believe the only way I can break it, is by not getting involved in a long-term relationship. I don't know what healthy is. I've never seen nor experienced it. I couldn't pick a good man if my ****ing life depended on it. The only way I can protect myself and my son is to stay out of committed relationships.

    Now, if you don't believe this. Then tell me how it's possible. How do you break it? Actual functional information (not when the time is right crap... cause I'm sick of hearing that one) that helps.

    bec *tired of not believing, tired of hearing belief and hope*
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  3. Awakening

    Awakening Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure how to respond, but I wanted to acknowledge your post.

    My mum (and her sister) grew up in household of domestic violence. And so did the generation before & the generation before. And I'm guessing it goes all the way back.

    I didn't know this until I was in my late teens. All I know is that when my mum & her sister were in their teens they made a pact to stop the cycle of violence. And both did. They married men at a young age & remain married.

    But I'm sorry to say, I don't know how they did that. I don't know my grandfather, but from all descriptions he is a very different man (in every aspect) to that of my father or uncle. So whether they deliberately went for a different type of man? I don't know.

    I could make attempts at asking my mother about this, but to be honest on most occassions she becomes hysterical/angry or just plain refuses to talk about it. She told me she made a pact with her sister but that's it. I've heard third hand about some of the violence but not much from her.

    Sorry I just realised I've completely rambled on and probably not helped at all. But hell I'll hit the send button anyway.

    I also want to tell you (as sickly as it might sound) I do really admire you, and my mother for making the attempts to lift themselves outside of the cycle of violence.
  4. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    hey, bec. i think, i know, it's possible, but maybe not in every situation. my circumstances are different. i married a man with a generous, gentle nature, and he has never been violent. he, nor i, have ever been abusive parents. i would like to say i broke the cycle (my therapist insists this is so) but, i have always been different than them, not really any conscious effort there. praying for you to break it somehow. i wish i could say how,b ut i can't
  5. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

    Bec, I was there once. I remember what I went through as a kid. But I told myself then and keep telling myself now, I'm better than that. In my head I can see myself being as cruel and mean to my kids (when I get some) as my mom was. But then I tell myself that I know I'm better than that. God knows I'm better than that. I may see it in y head but it will not ever happen in real life.

    Having faith in myself is the biggest part of my rehab. I know there's lots of times I don't think I am doing well. But in the end I know Im a lot better now than I was back then.

    Have faith in yourself Bec.
  6. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Thanks guys. That's a few stories of it being broken. I know this does come down to faith, my self esteem and personal beliefs. I know I have little to none in the self esteem department and my belief system is beyond screwed up. I'm just exhausted from trying to make this better and I really feel that I've gotten no where. I feel doomed. And I get really frustrated and upset when I hear.. you'll get there. Because I don't feel that I will.

    I'll keep plugging.. you guys just keep reminding me.. your my hope when I don't have any left.

  7. Damiea

    Damiea Well-Known Member

    quick question.. in a way when you talked about this Bec.. it almost seemed like you sounded like you NEED to be with a man and you are steping outside the bounds of "what is right" by choosing NOT to date. I do think it is normal human nature to feel drawn to others and feel that need to be with someone but in no way does anyone have to date to be normal. I think all people should spend a good amount of time being single and finding that happy settled feeling when your home life is GOOD! If you have children or not no one has to be partnered with someone unless they really want to and are ready. I would say.. by all means stay single and worry only about yourself and your son untill someone maybe happens along sometime that you feel will fit in.. and even then.. keep them outside your home life untill you are sure.

    Hope I didn't ramble on to much and mess up what I wanted to say!! LOL but I think most people male and female feel this way at times in there life. Hope you feel better and more happy soon.
  8. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    I would especially agree with the self-esteem aspect Bec. I believe it boils down to self-esteem and confidence in oneself. After you have worked upon yourself for a time, worked through more of the trauma, love yourself more, perhaps have a job you enjoy or what have you, you will attract a different kind of man. Abusers are not interested in strong, independent women; they want a victim. If you are no longer behaving as a victim and/or behaving as though you deserve bad treatment, they will not approach you. It really is quite simple as that, though not easy to reach that point. It requires much work on your part.

    It is my personal belief that a woman who has been battered should take a break from all relationships for at least a year after she has left her abuser. One needs to discover oneself, and learn to enjoy being alone, set one's own boundaries and so on, before "inviting" another person into their lives again. Only my opinion however.

    If you continue healing and moving forward as you are currently Bec, I believe you will eventually become involved in a good relationship. Not because "the right man will come along", but because you will be at a point in your life where you are happy and a happy man will be highly attracted to you.
  9. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP

    success story

    My mother told me several times after my father beat us that I should never stay with a man who treats a woman so badly. This advice came from an incest perpetrator.

    1. I chose not to reproduce.

    2. I married a true angel; he has the most even temper and gentlest demeanor of any person alive. He had a 'normal' childhood.

    Now, you know how PTSD and anger mis-management and a woman's menstrual cycle don't mix at all with the full moon and the annual visit of the inlaws who don't like me, all at the same time. (Just use your imagination)

    Husband handles me in all my monster-forms just fine, as if he was trained to do so. He does not yell, so when I do yell, he keeps his voice normal, which causes me to bring my voice back down to normal. (this is an example)

    This marriage is near perfect. I have no fear of him ever raising his hand to me. He does not drink alcohol, do recreational drugs, other women, spend my money, or have any vices I can think of.

    So why the hell is he with 2quilt? Good Question. He likes my chicken tandori.
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    For clarification, I have spent oodles of time single. I do not feel I "have" to date, I just am frustrated with not trusting enough to date.

    I also don't believe there is a time in which someone should stay or be single. I think it's more important that we are ready to share with another and the focus should be more on that than some set time standard. Obviously, I'm not quite there yet.

    Thanks Kathy. I guess patience is a virtue? lol.. I just get very frustrated with this conversation with others in RL. I just hear the same bullshit over and over. I keep forgetting that I only started to make improvements when I got here three months ago, and before that I was just going backwards. Maybe I should be determine how far I'm getting and how much healing I have done or need to do, on my move date? Perhaps that would feel less frustrating to me...

  11. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    Well Bec if you base it on when you moved to T. Bay, three months is a very short period of time in which to be "ready" for a relationship. I realize that many people jump into relationships far quicker than that, but that is not necessarily healthy in my opinion. If using the move mark is helpful to you and makes you feel better about yourself, then I say use what works.
  12. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member


    I can only say: I'm so glad to hear that!

  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Well, I guess as far as seeing you don't count online? You know some of us have. My guy fell in my lap. Secret recipe? I don't know of one except you get to the point you are really picky and have no issues discarding relationships with toxic guys, we usually pick up the signals, we just choose to ignore them.

    Example - The rest of the world is wrong, this guy is innocent and does not belong in jail... No matter if we know that it is a very rare case. Faith in a person is good, blind faith bad. I think you picked up on the signals on this guy as you had him as a topic and relationship with him off limits to discussion when you were together. You knew what others would say, and they would say it with good reason.

    I know you do not need a man. You do great single. But hell who would not like another adult in their life? You are starting to get out now which is a great start. You just are not going to meet a lot of people if up in the house 24/7 except for therapy, we both know that.

    You nailed it on the head with the self esteem. In some areas you do have great self esteem. In the dating arena almost zero. You keep telling yourself over and over how all you attract are piles of dung. You get a bad experience and try to figure out what is wrong with you to attract this type. Well, nothing is, some guys are just piles of dung and in dating more often than not. That is why I figured they were single ;)

    Dating is a dance, you come across bad dancers until you find someone who walks on air. But you won't find it if you don't get out and dance!

    You know I have broken the cycle. I do not abuse my kids nor do I allow it in my life. I had a good friend that is a great person and decided to make a pass at him one night. I am still not clear why I did that. I think because I was dating a lot and so sick of guys like you and it dawned on me there was a great guy always around. So I took a shot. A couple months in I thought I made a mistake and possibly ruined a friendship. We almost broke up. But obviously I did not since we have our little girl now, married, and quite happy. It is funny how things work out.

    You will be fine I think if you just keep in mind yes, lots of dung out there, sometimes you will step right in it, but wipe it off and keep on walking :) Mr. Almost Right is out there. I don't believe in a perfect Mr. Right!
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