Breathing

Justmehere

Sponsor
I'm sitting here breathing. I am in so much pain, mental pain, I can barely breathe.

It appears I don't get better. I just keep being broken beyond words. I don't see a way out of being mentally ill and badly surviving. For a time it was different but that crashed and burned into the mental illness, PTSD, getting worse and new trauma to boot, just two weeks off from it, and a harder road than ever in many other ways. Not even sure the trauma is over or if this is acute stress. It's stress.

But the thought I can't shake is that I don't get better. That this is as good as it gets and my head is a mess over it.

I've tried every option open to me, including some bad ones, and now there's less options for treatment for anyone, especially for someone who has tried so much. I tried going it alone and made my life worse than ever.

So now I sit here and wrestle with the fact I'm still breathing. I wish I was not. I can't see a way out. Or through. Just all the ways I want to be at peace but the relentless anxiety rips through my brain and body until I'm throwing up and shaking for hours and there nothing left to do anything but breathe and wish I wasn't breathing.

I don't even know what to do or ask or say and I am out of hope.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sorry that you feel at the bottom of a deep hole. Do you take any medications? I was once in a very low place and my p-doc raised my dose and gave me reassurance that the anxiety would lessen and it did!
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry that your suffering. I was like that 6 weeks ago and had been like that for a very long time before. Then my psychiatrist put me on "Escitalopram" anti-depressants it's worked wonders, I feel so much better.
 
I'm sitting here breathing. I am in so much pain, mental pain, I can barely breathe.

It appears I don't get better. I just keep being broken beyond words. I don't see a way out of being mentally ill and badly surviving. For a time it was different but that crashed and burned into the mental illness, PTSD, getting worse and new trauma to boot, just two weeks off from it, and a harder road than ever in many other ways. Not even sure the trauma is over or if this is acute stress. It's stress.

But the thought I can't shake is that I don't get better. That this is as good as it gets and my head is a mess over it.

I've tried every option open to me, including some bad ones, and now there's less options for treatment for anyone, especially for someone who has tried so much. I tried going it alone and made my life worse than ever.

So now I sit here and wrestle with the fact I'm still breathing. I wish I was not. I can't see a way out. Or through. Just all the ways I want to be at peace but the relentless anxiety rips through my brain and body until I'm throwing up and shaking for hours and there nothing left to do anything but breathe and wish I wasn't breathing.

I don't even know what to do or ask or say and I am out of hope.
It must feel very heavy to feel the way you do right now. I have felt similarly at times.

I attended a Vipassana course once and there they taught Anichya, a buddhist concept which means everything is constantly changing and I could see it happening when I focussed on my breath.

Everything is in a constant changing state. Our bodies, our cells, the sun, the moon and everything.

Everything is changing. This will change too.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry, @Justmehere - I completely relate. I've felt like this for a long time. Tried everything available to me, and nothing helps.

Sorry I can't offer an answer, but I can be here, understanding what you're going through.
 
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