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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BrokenHeat" data-source="post: 1730441" data-attributes="member: 50402">[USER=31907]@Mytime[/USER] [USER=27208]@Friday[/USER] [USER=44143]@Freida[/USER] [USER=27357]@enough[/USER] [USER=47504]@Survivor3[/USER] Yes I am seeing a therapist and working out-I’m probably the healthiest I have ever been-physically and mentally. And I’m trying so hard to be positive and see this as an opportunity for growth for each of us individually. But I’m so scared of losing this life we have built together. Our children, our home, our community. I don’t. Want to live here if I’m not with him. And I know that is thinking far ahead but how do I not wonder constantly what my future looks like. It will be three weeks this week that he moved out-as far as I know or what he has shared anyway is that he has met with a therapist over zoom twice. He says the drinking is “better” but u have smelled alcohol on him on two occasions. Not drunk which is good. But what does it look like then if he needs to quit since he is using it to self medicate. (Which he agrees that is what he is doing) Alcohol for him is a double edged sword-both parents were alcoholics and he has come close to crossing that line in the past, but we, his 2 daughters and  me have always kept him grounded. He always said he would never want to lose us.Other edge of the sword; he is now using it to self medicate. To those of you in this forum that are sufferers:-I feel the need to keep him accountable. After all he has turned our world (mine and the kids) completely upside down by leaving. His entire goal was to leave to work on himself. I don’t want to nag at him and so far i completely support him and just listen. But in my head I’m wondering how he is doing and what is he doing all the time? We see him on his days off-but that is nowhere near what we saw when he lived here. -He comes around when he wants only-everything is completely on his terms. Same with staying in touch with me. I pretty much wait for him to initiate any texting or calls. I’m trying to give him the space he needs- but eventually at what cost to my own well being? He stays in touch very regularly with our girls which is good. But also makes me feel very alone and left out. Like he doesn’t feel like he wants to keep in touch with me. -For those I haven’t spoke to before; a huge part of his PTSD is a detachment from me specifically. It was so bad I was practically invisible around him. No more affection, playful joking, asking me about my day or even able to listen to me talk. So at least when he comes around and actually visits with me; that is nice to see he actually has missed me. -He explained that his feelings “flip”. Like one day he loves me and feels like it is all going to be okay and then the next morning he will feel like he should just try to be a good dad and not put me through this. He says it makes his palms sweat to think of me with another person, but it happens all the time. This is coming from a man who has absolutely worshipped me our entire relationship and who would say as our friends got divorced that it would kill him if I was ever with someone else. Also we have always been so in love with eachother. It’s not like we even had any serious struggles before PTSD entered. -I have began really tracking his moods when I see him to try to see if there is a cycle I can figure out. His therapist asked him to monitor the “flips” in his feelings as well. For example-Friday night-came by during his shift and kissed me and told me he loved me. We had a very emotional talk where I reminded him we are not “everyone else” in response to his thinking that people split up all the time. I reminded him how we have always been so in love and this feeling he has is a symptom of PTSD. Which he acknowledges that he has read that feeling detached from loved ones is a part of this horrible monster. But I can tell he doesn’t know for sure that the love will return. and I of course don’t know or can’t find any research that states this detachment will disappear and his feelings for me will come back and stay like they used to. Saturday at noon he comes by and we have sex and he tells me he feels guilty now that he is leaving. I told him there are no rules and we can do what works for us. And reminded him we are married still. Not separated. He moved out to get better. Sunday morning I dropped the kids off and he seemed good. By Sunday night he had shut down again. I could see it in his eyes. He was “flat” and irritated. I told him we could talk later and he said yeah I’m just really annoyed. Are these moods typical?CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF THERE IS HOPE HIS FEELINGS WILL COME BACK FOR ME AND THE MOODS AND FLIPPING OF HIS FEELINGS FOR ME WILL STOP???PLEASE. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and this can’t be real.</blockquote>

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