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Brought To My Attention, My Story Not Public

Discussion in 'General' started by permban0077, Nov 18, 2006.

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  1. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    It was brought to my attention that my story was no longer public so a few of you left confused where I am or been through. None really matters what does is PTSD is PTSD and those symptoms are much the same across the board… But curiosity is just that and understandable so to stick some back in public here you go, a condensed version.

    My story may have been moved from public to private diary before you got here because Anthony was working with me privately on some issues I did not want public pertaining to some embarrassing life choices related to PTSD and they were going to all get incorporated in my diary which has sat untouched for awhile. I had to get it all worked out in my head how I wanted to get it down. But I have been too busy here (at home) to be active in healing and stalled out on the work. One of the things that is supposed to improve with the move cross country this following month.

    But the basic run down... I was raped and / or molested by my older brother growing up. I know molested certainly. He had tried to set sis and me on fire and set 17 house fires. So one of my flash backs is smelling smoke, normally a signal I am too stressed if I am smelling smoke and no one else can. I don't remember him and I should as he was around a lot. He admitted to what he had done and I had zero recall until I brought my teen daughter home from the hospital being born. Then enough came through to tell me what happened. Over time bits and pieces come back when something triggers it. My twin has total recall of the rapes. So between his admission and my twin’s memory I know shit happened but no details as my memory has been pushed aside. And to think when I was younger I thought repressed memories were BS. LOL don't we all live and learn!

    Parents played hot potato as a young teen and ended up on my own at 15 years old.

    Was raped by a boss when drunk, one of my first if not the first real get drunk experience. Told by mother my own damn fault.

    Married at 16 to an abusive man (mom signed papers) since I had a bike accident and told by my doc no kids in my future this was great as he wanted none. Things were really just fine until I got pregnant with my teens son... Went to shit pretty fast. He had kidnapped me with intentions to kill me in front of my teens when they were babies once I had the nerve to leave and did. After ending up in the woods he did not shoot me as threatened but raped and spent the time pleading with why he should not kill me and I would go home. Stole his car when he went in a store, he and a friend came back a month later and beat me up and stole my babies back.

    Had agoraphobia bad by then alcoholic to control, be able to be intimate, and induce sleep. Remarried to a guy who is not a bad person but snapped when we had separated and he too raped me. Even knowing my past, so it was a very emotional slap. I have confronted and made him rehash it as I was in therapy addressing it and it seemed to help the nightmares of him diminish. Though at the time and still do we remain OK with each other, I don't live in fear of him like the other. He has rightly so been supportive to my needs pertaining to PTSD.

    When I had the ultimate breakdown start up about a year and a half ago and the worst panic attack I thought I was dying and those types continued a good year (did not realize until medicated I had them a long time, just not severe as all the symptoms went away that were daily for me) Hubs drove up on a drunk driving accident and dead babies were out of the car a woman screaming, one was my youngest daughter’s age at the time. That pretty much burned in my head as I was so screwed up and on the way to the pharmacy from hospital to get drugs to try and suppress the attack I was still having rotate (an attack is really only about 15 minutes) and valium they shot me up with was having no effect. I wanted to get out and help and my head was saying do CPR on the young one, I knew how and no first responders there yet. But I could do nothing but scream at the kids to look at the floor. They luckily did not see the bodies. I just yelled at hubs to drive as I could not do it (get out to help). I try not to wonder if I could have saved the young one on the trunk, no blood on that one but was ashen and appeared dead. I just called 911 instead and hubs did as I said and left the scene. A lot of guilt carried.

    Dotted with very abusive relationships between my marriages... My husband is a Godsend and a blessing in my life even if he gets my panties in a twist at times. Without him I would have already offed myself before being diagnosed. He took me to the shrink kicking and screaming ... That is the basics besides the abortion I listed under bad things we did (I swore I would take that to my grave), which since I was protesting changing my mind before they put me under it was very hard on me, not sure whether or not that was considered a trauma though in my head it was pretty fried. And yes, those are just basics. Hubs moved me to the country after getting pregnant with my daughter; I could not cope in Houston. Since I was pregnant I was not drinking so I was having a tough time getting a grip and eventually lost it when alcohol was not in the picture. Again I really just thought I was crazy but no clue what was wrong. Had several symptoms treated over the years but never laid it all out to any doc and the one shrink pulled it out being very blunt. When I did I was told PTSD by the 2 different docs I was seeing.

    Prior to that and when I lost touch and thought "for real" this time the baby had to stay in Kansas while they were doping me up enough to get a grip. She came back a month or so later, but only because I told my husband bring the baby back or I was leaving. The grip was short lived as it was just another med to suppress. They and I could suppress this shit only so long before it was uncontrolled again even heavily doped up.

    So now here I am knowing, what... almost 5 months later since told PTSD and at this board and almost off all meds and learning what life is and can be, but still know I have a long way to go.

    Very bumpy road but listen to Anthony and others here who have been through so much and found a better place, they have kept me above water and helped me start to heal and how to function. And been a back bone I did not have during my withdrawals of all the meds. Right now cutting my xanax the rest of the way out starting today. But 8 out of 10 mg of my daily dose is gone and just these 2 mg left to go. .5 mg per cut is the usual... I have done fairly well today tomorrow will be the kicker.

    But learning hey life throws you curve balls, and trying to learn to not give in. One of these days none of these things I will keep reliving, but be in the past where they belong. We all can.
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    Wishing you a smooth ride as you get down to the last of the Xanax, Veiled! That's a particularly nasty one to get off. Do you have plans for any other med cuts after this?
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    No, thank goodness. And I have the board and you to thank for getting here. Zoloft gone, and at this point 9mgs xanax gone. I did not have an especially strong urge for more than a mg. so I did not take it today. Feeling it now but as long as I don't get too sick I am going to keep the cut at 1 off and will leave just one left to go. It is going to be a bitch I know but it has to be done. Start my "new life" with the move and settling in drug free and using coping skills alone. So many changes this next month and hubs does not plan to go straight back to work expecting a crash on my end. May wait until Summer once his mom is retired to work. We will see how all of it works out. I may do well enough to not need him home that long.
  5. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    Wow what an an amazing story, veiled! Thanks for sharing it. That's all I have to say for now.. I'm speechless.
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Find myself thinking about you often veiled. No kidding. Hope all is well with you tonight. Read you story through and OMG, I'm so so sorry. You are certainly one strong person. I really do mean, one hell'a'va strong person. My god! So much appreciate you sharing with us. Again, hope all is well with You, but don't really know, so if you're feeling up to it, please post again and let us all know how you're feeling. We care.
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Hope I am OK. Just need a break, like we all do at times. Thank you, though remember we are all survivors no matter how we got here. We all look and think "oh my" when looking at another. I feel like mine is nothing compared to others still.

    I will be active again when I am feeling better.
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