BTW We Got Married...

Simply Simon

I feel like this is not a surprise, but it is an accomplishment.

Right before the wedding I bought a two-seater car. A car I can’t pack my whole life into and leave. Somehow that actually felt bigger.

But yeah, it’s Mrs. Simon, MA, which I guess won’t be a thing as much when it’s Dr. Simon, but it will be Dr. Simon [Married Name], and it’s pretty cool.

It’s also a huge relief. Every time we advanced our relationship, I would become wild with the urge to Run. We’d pass the milestone, and I’d settle, and then it would happen again. The wedding was definitely the hardest, and having pushed it back a year (because our family and friends were in utter turmoil, and surely things would get better... ha ha... best laid plans) made it worse. I did some seriously stupid shit. I probably set about leaving so many times he got bored. It’s my signature, of course. I don’t need anyone. I can walk away from anyone. I love no one, not *really*.

But I do... and I always have. Just ask poor @joeylittle, who got a front row seat to The Very Beginning. I tried running then, too.

But when I haven’t talked to him in 6 hours, I can’t even breathe. I literally don’t know how I survived without him. And I have no clue what I thought love was before. It was all just shadows in the cave. And that’s really terrifying, because love is so much more than I thought existed in this world, and suddenly I have something to lose. But I can live with any number of paralyzing fears if he’s there. I’m so lucky I did survive to learn this. There were some close calls.

But PTSD didn’t win this time, and I didn’t get this accomplishment by wrapping myself in spiteful hatred. I got this accomplishment by being more vulnerable than I thought anyone capable of, and it was absolutely worth the accompanying terror. My greatest accomplishment in life, ever, was finding what everybody else looks for, in spite of not looking at all, and then not rejecting it because of the potential to fail.

October 31, 2020—a blue moon.

Simply Simon

It has been the single most healing part of my existence. It's great to have a real ally.
Thank you so much!

Yeah... it’s a real trip what a total game changer our relationship has been for me. I stopped dissociating, and I didn’t even realize until then exactly how much I was totally numb.

I mean it was absolutely scary as hell, but now I like it... usually. I can tell when I’m hot or cold. I have an opinion about things, like what I like to eat or what I want to do. I feel sunlight. My body is fully at rest when I’m resting. Everything is in full color.

I had no idea how numb I truly was until I felt safe enough not to be.

ms spock

Congratulations @Simply Simon it's just wonderful when we make it through something without self sabotaging!

I wish you both many happy years!

I got married as well and it's been an amazing journey. I was very anti attachment and very anti connection and this year we have gotten so close. I stay in my body now a lot of the time.