CONVERSATIONS IN MY NEW LIFE LIVING WITH PTSD Counselor: “Give your anger to God Me: “But why should I pile all my anger on him, that’s not fair.” Counselor: “He can handle it, when they made you cry he cried too, he Loves you.” Me: “Okay I’ll try to give him my anger but I wish he would give me some kind of sign that they will pay for what they did to me and be punished.” Counselor: (Perplexed look on his face) Me: “Wait a minute; did you say they made God cry too? Well now I’m even angrier. I think I can forgive them for hurting me but they had no right to make God cry. Who in the hell do they think they are???? Can I be mad at them for that?” Couselor: (Perplexed look on his face) ............ Sister: “It’s good you’re trying to forgive but you also need to forget.” Me: “No my counselor told me that it’s okay that I still remember because sometimes you can’t help but remember.” Sister: “Okay, but try to remember it as a lesson learned in life.” Me: “Well I didn’t ask for this lesson. I was doing just dandy before I learned this lesson. In my life before I had the control. If I wanted to learn something I’d enroll in a class or something and learn something useful something that would increase my knowledge and help me grown. This lesson didn’t help me grown. This lesson took part of me without my consent. This lesson broke me as a person, changed me forever and trie as I might, I see no advantage in the lesson these people pushed on me. Running into them hasn’t improved my life. It has however brought to my attention that there really is truly evil people in the world. However, I was happier than a basket full of bunnies in my naïve state before this happened believing that life was good, people were basically good, and this was a world where justice prevailed.. Sister: “Look at it this way. They have to live with themselves.” Me: “Yes they do and they are still whole, I’m not, they stole part of me, I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I no longer remember who I was. I woke up to a different world and have no idea how to get it back.They however probably woke up the next day ate breakfast and went to church. They probably haven’t even thought about me other than to chuckle. They had so much fun that night with me. They didn’t look like unhappy people to me they were enjoying themselves. The more I fell apart the giddier they got. I think you call that a type of mob mentality. They were sadistic bullies, inhuman, something in their eyes was missing. I'll never forget the eyes. I miss myself and the life I had before this happened. Sister: Your still you. Me: (thinking to myself) “Than how come I no longer feel like me?” How come I literally feel like I’m out of my body living in a bubble?” I’m not nuts, I know who the president is, I know what year it is where I’m at who I am and I don’t see little pink pigs wearing tutus flying around the room. But to feel this way is nuts so okay maybe I am nuts, that neither makes me feel better or worse. Nuts can be good I guess. But living in this bubble is getting really really old and I feel so lonely. Can I tell her I feel like I’m a bubble?” Me: Dear sister I feel like I’m living in a bubble.” Sister: Well just don’t let that stop you from doing everything you did before this happened. Keep doing things even though you’re in a bubble. Me: But sister it’s so frustrating. I want out of this bubble. Sister: The reality is that you are in the bubble and you can’t let it keep you from moving on with your life. Just take the bubble with you or float around in it, whatever you do in a bubble but don’t let it hinder you. Me: “But sister, the bubble won’t fit in my car it’s too bulky. Sister: Well then take the convertible. Sister and Me: (both thinking) “Am I really having this weird conversation?” Sister/Me: “Ha Ha Ha." The only thing I know to do at this point in my life is try to accept my predicament and laugh. Laughter does tend to help somehow. When I cry my face and eyes get all puffy and to see me cry is not very pleasant because I tend to snort like a pig. Thank you, God Bless.