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Dom Violence C-PTSD maybe - sorry if this doesn't belong here

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B

Bill

hi. First of all, I don't know if I really ought to post here at all, because I'm really not sure what happened was hard enough to really count as C-PTSD.

I know y'all aren't necessarily psychiatrists capable of diagnosing, but I'm just trying to figure things out a bit and thought this would be an easier place to start.. I'm sorry if this is really long. It's hard to explain?

So, I'm polyamorous - I have relationships (consensually) with multiple people sometimes, and I'm cool with letting my partners have multiple partners, too. A few years ago, my SO was broken up with by the person she thought she was going to be with for the rest of her life. A few days later, my senior year of undergrad started and we moved into my single room dorm together, since she had nowhere else to go. Unfortunately, because I was friends with her partner as well as her partner's partner, we had arranged the previous year to live in a shared dorm - so we had a bedroom and bath to ourselves, but shared a kitchen and living room space with others. Others which occasionally included the Ex.

She was...completely shattered for a while. She dropped out of college, she cried most of the time, she needed me home as soon as possible after classes. I couldn't even trust that she'd be able to eat if I made sure there was food in the fridge in our room, because if I forgot something as small as a fork she just wouldn't eat, as she refused to venture into the common area to get it, lest she accidentally run into the Ex who was abusive to her. (and me, but yanno. I wasn't dating the Ex, so I didn't get the brunt of it. She's acknowledged some of my trauma but always in a "but it was less bad than mine" way.) She tried to work a job for a while, but she couldn't wake up in time, and I was so stressed out that I wasn't really able to wake up in time to wake her, either. I couldn't bring up emotionally charged topics without prefacing them, and even that was too much sometimes. She needed me to stay up with her until she was able to sleep - and she's a perpetual insomniac... so I spent most of senior year running on ~ 4 hours of sleep somehow.

I thought I would be better once we finally moved out of that dorm to our two-bedroom apartment, and things are better, sure, but... I dissociate more often than not and still get bursts of undefined rage every now and then. f*cking...two years later. The other week we were talking to someone going through a breakup with an abusive ex and I think I was triggered because I was...almost hallucinating? The friend we were helping's face started looking more and more like the Ex's and their voice started to, too. I was upset for hours and couldn't get over it. My SO soothed me a bit, but told me not to put too much stock into it - that thinking about it too much would make it more upsetting and more of a Thing. She took a nap and was a bit pissed at me when she woke up ~6 hours later and I was still disturbed by what had happened, telling me I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be, and I just needed to move on without making it real by thinking about it so much.
 
@somerandomguy
lest she accidentally run into the Ex who was abusive to her. (and me, but yanno. I wasn't dating the Ex, so I didn't get the brunt of it.

@starswanttoshine

CPTSD would be unlikely unless this was one more series of events on top of other trauma, PTSD would be possible from both (either a long history of trauma, or this being your first foray in), as well as neither... as the stress from caring for someone so shattered they can’t feed themselves, much less work or be more functional, & living for a year with someone who abused both of you? Could very easily have tripped any number of preexisting disorders into going active, or kickstarted some new ones.

Ptsd diagnosis

Understand complex ptsd (cptsd)

I dissociate more often than not and still get bursts of undefined rage every now and then. f*cking...two years later. The other week we were talking to someone going through a breakup with an abusive ex and I think I was triggered because I was...almost hallucinating?

Regardless of whether it’s CPTSD, PTSD, or a different disorder? Sounds like you could really use some help. Are you looking into therapy?
 
Maybe I'm confused, but I don't see that you were abused at all in your story.
Yea, that's part of my confusion. I'm largely here because I was reading a link (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)) and going from this definition, "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:
...
  • long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members."
I definitely felt like I couldn't escape and even though I don't blame my SO, sometimes... "triggered" feels like the right word to describe my reaction to things, though I hope I'm not appropriating that term or something.
Maybe I'm confused, but I don't see that you were abused at all in your story.
CPTSD would be unlikely unless this was one more series of events on top of other trauma
that's kind of what I was trying to convey, that this felt like a year of constant crises and restriction of my independence? dunno.

My current insurance plan (US) doesn't cover meeting a counselor. Medicaid which I'm using as supplemental insurance might cover it as I'm going to be looking at gender transitioning and they cover therapy for that, but I don't know how much I'll be able to talk about this during that. And if there's a copay I'm not really going to be able to do it.

If I shouldn't be here or it doesn't quite fit I'll find help elsewhere. I'd hate to take time and energy that could be given to others

Like, fine maybe this is a stupid/silly example, but here we go:

I've been feeling raw / staticky / on edge all day like I can't handle any additional stress added to me. I've been thinking about the past few years and stressful occasions and such and realized why.
I made my beef teriyaki with noodles last night. my SO loves it and I make it because she enthusiastically asks for it, because it's a meal that made her happy during a really hard part of our lives.

I mostly just remember a vague pit of dread, the determination to make a tasty meal, and the range I cooked on.

ah screw it I'm wasting everyone's time, I'm sorry.
 
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If I shouldn't be here or it doesn't quite fit I'll find help elsewhere. I'd hate to take time and energy that could be given to others
We can’t diagnose you, we can simply give you the information that’s out there, and share our own experience.

Our experience fit a very, very narrow window into mental health & neurological conditions... being a single disorder.

Whilst we cannot diagnose you, and self diagnosis is always risky at best, this site has always been open to people who are learning about PTSD/CPTSD (undiagnosed, friends/family, students/researchers), in addition to those who have already been diagnosed.
 
It's cuckiness bro. Don't be too hard on yourself, the programming is intense and not always to your benefit, but it sounds like you really need to work on your boundaries and self care.
Poly amory sounds like a great idea, but in reality, is a lot trickier to navigate, emotionally and relationally.
Is it possible that you really bit off more than you can actually chew, with your SO?
 
I only meant that it sounds like you are suffering from the stress of the relationship, because that's what you've talked about. No need to get snippy. You asked for feedback. I wasn't even making any judgement on your relationship style choice, but that your stress seems directly related to your relationship.
 
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