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C-ptsd sufferer triggered by avoidant partner - anyone else out there?

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Elliot

New Here
Hi all

I've been reconnecting with my previous long-term partner, and we're exploring the possibility of getting back together. We were together for four years, civil unioned (before Australia legislated marriage equality) and committed as life partners and family. We broke up a year ago, and have recently acknowledged to each other that we're still very much in love. We've been doing a lot of self-work and learning in our time apart.

The trouble is, she has some highly avoidant behaviour when she's stressed or responding to conflict, and in response to that my fear is triggered and I go into fawning behaviour. I find this extremely distressing in the moment, and it takes me a while to calm my heightened feelings - sometimes hours, often days. Loss and neglect are strong childhood triggers for me, and I can be very sensitive to her emotional disconnect. Some of the strategies I use are reading Pete Walker's books or some fiction, having a bath, meditating/mindfullness, taking a walk in nature, or cuddling my sweet dog.

Although I was diagnosed almost 8 years ago, I'm still learning to open up about my C-PTSD with dear ones in my life - so historically I haven't spoken about this much to anyone but my partner. Much of my emotional triggers are activated with my partner though - so I know I need to open up to others for support when her and I are processing things in our relationship.

I feel relationship counselling would be helpful. We tried it once but didn't have a strong connection with the therapist. It's also very expensive in Australia, and can be tricky to find a good one.

One of the reasons I joined this forum was that issues in my inter-personal relationships are one of the areas in my life I find most distressing, and I feel there's some healing in sharing this with others, and hearing about the ways others respond to similar challenges. I also have my very first face-to-face peer support group tmrw night - I'm a bit nervous!

Thanks :)
 
Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you are starting a surpport group. Couples counseling may help. Have you done any therapy for yourself? Look around the forum and read some of the posts. Maybe read about the inner child.
 
Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you are starting a surpport group. Couples counseling may help. Have yo...

Thank you for your post MyTime.

I saw a fantastic therapist for a number of years who unfortunately relocated. I've been serving another generalist counselor for the last year, although she wasn't familiar with C-ptsd so there were some limitations. I'm currently on the search for another, and hope to find one soon.

Yes, I think couples therapy would be helpful. My partner and I have discussed the possibility that she also may experience C-ptsd.. Which is tricky. I did have a search on the forum to see if there were similar threads but didn't have much luck.
 
Hi, I have a very similar experience with my partner also, his main response when I’m unhappy is to avoid the situation either by not acknowledging what I’m sharing or getting obsessed with YouTube videos. Recently he has began trying to be more aware but he also dissociates. The best thing I found for both of us was us getting individual pyschotherapy and then progressing to couple pyschotherapy. One of the main reasons for getting individual therapy is it’s difficult for the supporter to be in a relationship with someone with PTSD for many reasons and one is it can highly triggering for them also and being around such highly emotive people is going to course transference of sorts. If the Avoidance is affecting your relationship it is an unhealthy attachment which they need to figure out by themselves as it’s also important for the supporter to be aware of them selves and progressing.

I would also be looking more for a pyschotherapist as Counsellors are more trained to work with the ‘Now’ situations and how they can help you progress, pyschotherapist work on a deeper lever helping you with connecting why things are happening the way they are now.

Hope that helps, Good luck
 
i really resonate with your experience. I am sorry i haven't said more because I am new to this forum and am testing it out. I really identify with all the comments on this thread.
 
My husband and I are both C-PTSD. I think you two should have right-sized ambitions for your relationship, meaning don't look for the white picket fence and 2.2 kids and happiness and normalcy. A lot of PTSD is the isolation of mental illness, and getting out of that is possible when your mate is feeling positive but it's impossible when you're both down. Dangerous turf when we are both down...we trigger each other into oblivion. Our relationship fits us, most of the time. Keep talking, no matter what. That's the only 100% I know of when you're like us.
 
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