Caged: Trapped in a Haze of Confusion

Ash_3

Learning
Lots of feelings that reside inside my mind these days. Mainly I just feel like I am on auto pilot, not really sure why I keep going but I just innately do. My passions, motivations and hobbies have all ceased to exist and even if I can muster up the intent and energy to partake in something that used to bring me joy I remain unfazed by the activities. I used to swim all the time. Doing laps was the one thing in my life that brought me joy, I felt like I discovered who I was in the water. But now reflecting on who I was at that time and the things I thought I knew about my life (oh so lost and oh so innocent) I feel sadly for her because her happiness was a fantasy. I miss her and her aspirations and her drive, and everyday I hope to regain those attributes again but I don't envy her. She lived in denial and a darkness that would ever so slowly creep up on her but she never knew why. I know why know and sometimes I just want to go back in time and slap some sense into that girl, or just yell at her to stop making excuses for others behavior to just be able to acknowledge that the experiences I had, the parents I had, the family I had was a lie. It is better it didn't happen then, I probably would be worse off then I am now, but my heart still yearns for that false sense of happiness. When I get to taste it again it will be that much sweeter. It will all be worth it....one day.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
I feel you (virtual 🤗). I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to find the bold, ambitious woman I used to be who slowly faded like an apparition. I understand getting back what we once had may not be possible, but wanting to be better could bring something even more amazing than we can imagine.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
H
Lots of feelings that reside inside my mind these days. Mainly I just feel like I am on auto pilot, not really sure why I keep going but I just innately do. My passions, motivations and hobbies have all ceased to exist and even if I can muster up the intent and energy to partake in something that used to bring me joy I remain unfazed by the activities. I used to swim all the time. Doing laps was the one thing in my life that brought me joy, I felt like I discovered who I was in the water. But now reflecting on who I was at that time and the things I thought I knew about my life (oh so lost and oh so innocent) I feel sadly for her because her happiness was a fantasy. I miss her and her aspirations and her drive, and everyday I hope to regain those attributes again but I don't envy her. She lived in denial and a darkness that would ever so slowly creep up on her but she never knew why. I know why know and sometimes I just want to go back in time and slap some sense into that girl, or just yell at her to stop making excuses for others behavior to just be able to acknowledge that the experiences I had, the parents I had, the family I had was a lie. It is better it didn't happen then, I probably would be worse off then I am now, but my heart still yearns for that false sense of happiness. When I get to taste it again it will be that much sweeter. It will all be worth it....one day.
Hello @Ash_3,

I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. It sucks when life just seems like one monotonous, grey, numb day playing over and over again on repeat.

I struggled through six entire years not really sure why I was even bothering to get out of bed each day. The only thing I was white-knuckling it through each slow tormented day for was to be able to go to bed and escape life again for another all too short restless night of sleep.

You've got the right attitude though...one day. One day things will improve, at least to some degree. One day you will have a satisfying taste of happiness and feeling and some peace. One day.

I waited 6 long hellish years for my one day. It did come. It is at least partially here. I now live for more than just going to bed again tonight.

Life is not like it was before. I'm not who I was before. I like how you talk about yourself as that person you once knew. I relate to that. Life is different, but it's life. And it's better than it was for 6 miserable years. I'll take it!

Hang in there fellow survivor! You are not alone. Change will come. It has for so many of us who are the same flesh and blood as you are. It will come for you.

I understand you are feeling miserable now, but I hope you have as good a day as possible today given the condition you are currently in.

Woodsy1
 

Ash_3

Learning
2 weeks ago after talking with my psychologist I discovered that my mother sexually abused me and my siblings. I don't remember the extent of it because my childhood memory is faulty from the many times I dissociated being raised by an alcoholic/narcissistic father and a borderline/opioid addicted mother.

My parents divorced when I was 11. "Mother dearest" turned me and my siblings against our father. My mother used to tell us sexually explicit things about him. Among other things, she told us that he was a pedophile. She would say that other parents were creeped out by the comments he would make about our friends and their bodies. I've now come to understand that these were all blatant lies. He is a deeply deeply troubled man but not even he deserves that kind of slander.

I had a panic attack the other week, the first one in awhile, and my avoidance/isolation skyrocketed afterwards. I spent about a week trying to pull myself out of a deep hole. I had planned on telling my psychologist how I was feeling in regards to learning about the sexual abuse, but I felt afraid of opening that door again and repressed it. I just don't want to accept it, but I don't want to deny it either. Sigh. 😞
 
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