Caged: Trapped in a Haze of Confusion

Ash_3

New Here
Lots of feelings that reside inside my mind these days. Mainly I just feel like I am on auto pilot, not really sure why I keep going but I just innately do. My passions, motivations and hobbies have all ceased to exist and even if I can muster up the intent and energy to partake in something that used to bring me joy I remain unfazed by the activities. I used to swim all the time. Doing laps was the one thing in my life that brought me joy, I felt like I discovered who I was in the water. But now reflecting on who I was at that time and the things I thought I knew about my life (oh so lost and oh so innocent) I feel sadly for her because her happiness was a fantasy. I miss her and her aspirations and her drive, and everyday I hope to regain those attributes again but I don't envy her. She lived in denial and a darkness that would ever so slowly creep up on her but she never knew why. I know why know and sometimes I just want to go back in time and slap some sense into that girl, or just yell at her to stop making excuses for others behavior to just be able to acknowledge that the experiences I had, the parents I had, the family I had was a lie. It is better it didn't happen then, I probably would be worse off then I am now, but my heart still yearns for that false sense of happiness. When I get to taste it again it will be that much sweeter. It will all be worth it....one day.
 
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