Childhood Can being spanked or beaten with a belt as a child cause problems in adulthood

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I posted something on myptsd a while back that included me mentioning getting belted alot as a child and some people commented that what I experienced was actually abuse. The reason I ask if it actually is, is because I kind of believe that maybe it could've been. I'll explain. My childhood was okay for the most part minus the memories that I prefer to lock away in a safe of my mind. Please no rude comments and if you think I'm exaggerating or overreacting I would appreciate it that you state your opinions nicely. Anyways, I'm starting to think that the multitude of spankings and beatings with a belt that I got really screwed with me. This is because after a certain number of times getting beaten with belts and spanked bare as a child I actually started liking it. I hate hate hate to admit this because i know it sounds sick and I'm probably one of the only people who felt this way.. I would obsess over BDSM thoughts at a really young age like 5 years old and would fantasize about getting whipped with belts or being spanked and would frequently act it out on myself, draw pictures of people getting spanked/whipped, and search through the dictionary for words like spank, beat, whip, etc. Which I feel for a kid is kind of weird. Anyways, acting it out on myself continued until I turned about 12 years old when I swore to myself that I would stop due to my intense feelings of shame and embarassment; however the fantasies didn't stop and instead I would just self harm by cutting to keep feeling pain with less embarrassment. All of this wouldn't be a problem at all and could easily be coped with except for all of the problems that it's causing in my life currently.

Intimacy with my mate, my relationship with a family member, and even religion is at stake. I'll start with the family member, this person makes me uncomfortable and is mentioned in my last post as well. I absolutely feel nothing but disgust for this person but I have no idea why. I thought it was because I was maybe sexually abused by them and couldn't remember but people in the last post mentioned that it could be the other dysfunction caused by them that makes me feel like I want nothing but to get away from them whenever I'm near them. I can't even look at them without feeling an intense amount of anger towards them, and just want to cut them out of my life entirely because my body seems to be telling me that they're dangerous. If you want to hear more about this person I would check out my other previous post.

Another problem that my childhood I'd causing is a problem with my religion. Along with getting hit as a punishment my parents made it clear that it was god that made them do it not them. They supported what they were doing with the Bible which in turn has resulted me in hating religion and religious people. I swore off everything religious up until I recently met a mate who loves god. I want to be like my mate and love god however, everytime we step foot in a church i can't help but remember all the punishments I received as a child. When thinking about god all I can think about is getting beaten with a belt or spanked. I usually turn to self harming or get really depressed/sick after participating in anything religious related and I think my mate is noticing my depressed mood after reading the Bible or going to church.

The other thing that is being affected is intimacy. I don't really get aroused unless Im fantasizing about my mate hurting me. We've been together for a while and I have extreme difficulty being intimate with them Not to mention whenever they take of their belt (to take off their pants) I literally go cold (I start shaking, face turns red, lose train of thought etc.) and freeze. I think they've noticed but never mention it.

I just want to be normal and feel like most people handled this well as children and I'm the crazy one that couldn't cope. Can getting hit like that really be the cause of my earlier mentioned problems? If so at least I know so I can start healing and if not I might just consider a therapist at this point. Especially to figure out my confusing "body memories" and self harm triggers. Sorry if this was jumbled, it was really hard to write as it's hard for me to talk about my past. I've never shared it with anyone for fear of being mocked or shamed.
 
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bailee123

Policy Enforcement
Aww. I just want to hug you, I'm sorry you're going through this :c Parents hurting their children - with varying degrees of intensity - leaves a mark. My grandpa hit me with a shoe once while I was laying on the couch around 8 years old. It didn't hurt. But it scarred me for life. My parents put hot sauce and soup in my mouth, but that didn't scar me.

There is no "normal" in responses to trauma in childhood. Freud had his "psychosexual stages of development theory," and it might give you more of a sense of normalcy to know that children do have sexual thoughts, they just have them in different ways. However, in your case, that development seems to have been interfered with.

I'm sorry, I didn't read your other posts, but in regards to the family member paragraph, it seems like you've been influenced by things online. I might be wrong. But the line, for example, about your body telling you they are dangerous sounds like it came from a research paper or something. It's very easy to convince ourselves of things if we read them online. This is kind of gross, but one time I was convinced I had pin worms. I was up at 4 am constantly checking and saw a white little worm wriggling on my...area...back there. Turns out I didn't have pin worms at all. A week of hell, sleepless nights, telling the guy I've been sleeping with that I had parasites, scrubbing my hands till they bled... just to find out I had hallucinated because I was so freaked out. It was actually birth control side effects, which I found out on my own, thanks to ZERO doctors. Just like some women who think they're pregnant. They'll start noticing nausea. But they're really just freaking themselves out sometimes.

Finally, the religion thing. I can understand you are feeling that way about walking into a church. It's a trigger. But think about this: you are just one person who has been traumatized in part in the name of God. Think about how many others there are with similar stories. How many women and children were raped by supposed "Christians" and "priests," how many people have died in the name of "God," how many people have killed, tortured, murdered, in the name of God, how many have been burned at the stake, crucified, beaten, shunned from their families, persecuted by their governments, discriminated against by their neighbors. How many wars have been started in the name of God and religion, how many battles have left a trail of lost lives and ashes scattered throughout every corner of this earth. The Bible IS depressing, considering how sexist, homophobic, backwards, racist, and flawed it is. Once you let go of the chains of religion, you learn to think for yourself, live life instead of living it in fear. You don't get frustrated anymore when your prayers don't get answered. They say "seeing the light" is a good thing cuz you've found God and are set on a good path of brainwashing and ignorance. But I feel like I've only seen the light upon becoming an atheist and accepting it. I honestly feel like I've broken out of chains lol as weird as that sounds. I feel free.
 

She Cat

Policy Enforcement
I was beaten with a belt as a child (among other items) so I get what you’re saying. I don’t have triggers about belts but do fantasize about being hurt by them. Our minds are truly different.

As a kid, to get attention, because we didn’t get any, we did act out. Knowing the belt was coming. It didn’t matter, as long as we got attention.

If you’re not in therapy with a therapist, I suggest that you find one and start working on your issues. You’re not crazy, you suffered abuse and are now living the affects of it.
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
Aww. I just want to hug you, I'm sorry you're going through this :c Parents hurting their children -...
Oh please. I was spanked as a child and am fine. Beatings are not the same as a spanking. As far as your explanation of church...I have been going to church nmy entire life and my experience is the entire opposite of what you just laid out. I have had many prayers answered. I have never been abused by anybody and those that actually understand the Bible knows it's NOT depressing it's full of hope. So don't speak on things you don't fully understand.

I'm sorry if that seemed harsh but I am so tired if people bashing Christianity based on a few bad people it makes me so angry. It's no better than saying the entire police department is terrible because there are some that overstep their authority.
 
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Nessa7

MyPTSD Pro
I can't find your older post, but I'd be happy to go back and read it for more context. Does anyone know if there is a trick for finding a guest's posts?

Something difficult about spanking is that I think there is absolutely a point where things definitely go too far and becomes abuse even if you do support parents spanking their children but it is really hard to define that line. I think that you can recognize it as an outsider when you see it, but it is something that is hard to put into words. Either way, I do think that a therapist would be able to help with these issues.

What about trying a different church? There is a wide variety even within Christianity. The association might not be as strong. It also seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to go from having no relationship with religion to loving god. That's a huge change. You might be able to break it down into smaller goals that you could set for yourself that would still have a big impact on your life.
 

Rain

Policy Enforcement
Along with getting hit as a punishment my parents made it clear that it was god that made them do it not them. They supported what they were doing with the Bible which in turn has resulted me in hating religion and religious people. I swore off everything religious up until I recently met a mate who loves god. I want to be like my mate and love god however, everytime we step foot in a church i can't help but remember all the punishments I received as a child. When thinking about god all I can think about is getting beaten with a belt or spanked. I usually turn to self harming or get really depressed/sick after participating in anything religious related and I think my mate is noticing my depressed mood after reading the Bible or going to church.

There is real name for this and it is called spiritual abuse and there are many sick and toxic churches who do this kind of thing and it is totally understandble why you feel the way you do as your parents were lying to you.

I believe that evil choices are made by people and God often gets the blame and your parents were lying to you and that somehow you became sexualized through the beatings. The physical abuse compounded with the Spiritual Abuse was evil choices made freely by your sick and toxic parents.

I hope that you are in therapy and If I were you I would begin by taking care of you and staying out of churches until you have been able to heal sufficiently to be able to face those reasonable fears based on your abuse and trauma. I was both beaten and spiritually abused by a group of ignorant church going folk who were very unhealthy and although they were convinced in what they were doing to me and to my family they were very mistaken and decieved and freely chose to do and to say the things they did that scarred me and I too am unable to go to a church.

Also I am just now beginning to get in touch with my revulsion of my sick and sadistic father who would line us up from the eldest to the youngest and beat us almost every day after he came home from work using whatever as an excuse to take his frustrations out on us. and yes he used a belt something I hate.

I really hope that you can discuss this more to just be able to get in touch with your true and honest feelings. I could wring your parents necks for telling you these lies because they knew what they were doing at the time and did not care about you at all in order to be able to do this to you. Yes you have deep scars from the abuses. I would look up Spiritual abuse and learn all you can about this very sadly too common of things that do happen in sick unhealthy churches. Dr James Dobson has been a leader in the movement and needs so much help I am afraid and I cannot stand him. He is mistaken and does not know it or he is aware and does not care. There are many life him, false shepherds leading people astray in my opinion. Your parents chose freely to do and to say those things to you and I think they are sick and toxic and I hope that you will begin to seriously consider going no contace with them. Your feelings are normal for what you have been through and I am so glad you are here on the forum. Many, many people have been so cruelly hurt by these false cults in churches today. God gets the blame for what people chose to do in his name. I have faith in God outside of the church and he is the God of all comfort. What your parents did is sickening. Yes you have many, many scars and issues to sort through. I hope you know that you are not alone and there are many many victims of spiritual abuse and also physical abuse. Just please know that your parents were lying to about everything. It is confusing to sort through to find your own truth and faith if you have it or develop it later on. I sure hope that this makes sense to you and offers you some truth and real answers and some hope that you are perfectly normal for what you have suffered for so many years of your life. Your anger is healthy and it needs to come out. What happened to you was evil.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
Oh please. I was spanked as a child and am fine. Beatings are not the same as a spanking. As far as your...
You seem the most harsh out of all the comments yet, you're the Christian..

Also I wasn't bashing Christianity I was talking about my experience and how it shaped my feelings towards religion. If it isn't clear I want a relationship with God it's just more difficult for me now with triggers. And it's great that you turned out fine, my dad smoked all his life and turned out fine too..it doesn't effect everyone the same but I appreciate your understanding
 
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There is real name for this and it is called spiritual abuse and there are many sick and toxic churches wh...
I'm starting to realize this the more I go to my mates church, and it is beginning to make me more and more sick to my stomach thinking about my childhood. I use self harm to escape the thoughts but I don't want to anymore so I'm considering a therapist. Thank you for your kind words and validation. I've always had issues like low self esteem, anger issues, Attraction to seemingly abusive people,.. etc. I found out that I had been "abused" while my friends and I were joking about our punishments we got as a child. Its really hurftul to realize the reality of my parents parenting, I can say that they only did what they knew to do... Regarding religion, growing up I was surrounded by toxic churches and overly religious people who twist everything into something abusive. But thankfully I am on the way to learning who Christ truly is thanks to my mates loving and beautiful church and hopefully I can forget or learn to accept my childhood.

I can't find your older post, but I'd be happy to go back and read it for more context. Does anyone kno...

Sorry I'm new to the website and I suck at technology, my username is BohemianPrincess. In the first post i made someone mentioned me basically ignoring a big part of my childhood which was getting beaten, while also trying to find a reason for why I am the way I am. Which I guess can explain why I went to such a conclusion. I'm not sure if what I said really happened or not since I can't remember anything. But the person that I was talking about was the main parent that belted me and my siblings. That's what I can remember and what I'll focus on healing for now when I see a therapist.
 
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Tornadic Thoughts

MyPTSD Pro
It definitely rewired my brain in many ways, along with the other stuff that got served right alongside it.

I was beaten with belts and the belt buckles, among other objects, yet it was always referred to as simply "spanking", until I was bruised and sometimes bleeding by folks who claimed to be strongly devout god-fearing, god-loving, do-good-for-all-mankind christian folks who smiled kindly from one side of their neck yet cursed and continually belittled the ones they harshly judged out of the other side, all in the name of the lord/god/jesus/holy ghost/higher power/etc.....all the while working really hard to convince me if I'd only love their god more and better than what I was currently doing, I wouldn't have to suffer the punishments being delivered to my little sinful self, while trying to convince me it was all for my own good.

The same god who was supposedly also there to help anyone who'd simply ask for it through prayer, etc., yet never seemed to be there when I needed help the most.

It leaves marks and effects that come back and bite us in the ass in ways we'd never dream of, both inside and out, even well after finding healing techniques to ease the inner chaos, as I've experienced.

I spent a few decades trying to re-learn that I was actually worthy of not allowing others to continue to beat on me and use me however they pleased in their sick twisted shit as my so-called upstanding and highly respected religious/christian family and their religious friends/acquaintances had done....lessons I barely lived through to tell about.

Wishing you wellness, clarity, and healing support in your ongoing pursuit to sort through the mindf*ckery that it all is/was.
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
Isn’t this pretty much exactly the kind of response the OP got from her church...???:confused:...
Also I wasn't bashing Christianity I was talking about my experience and how it shaped my feel...
If you go back and read my post again u wasn't responding to you.

I was not responding to the OP I was responding to another poster.
 
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