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Can I Avoid Anger?

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Esther

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Sorry if this is a stupid question. I've searched through a lot of the old threads on anger, and I found the iceberg of emotions by Anthony.

If anger is a reaction to other emotions, then is there a way I can just skip being angry and feel the 'real' emotion? My therapist says I am uncomfortable with anger and need to let go a little (I told her I never get angry, ever:think:).

Until lately I never outwardly express anger, but lately I have been feeling angry and I get this urge to hit myself or cause pain to myself. Is my therapist right or not?
 
If you can figure out what emotions are causing you to get to the angry stage, then you may be able to stop feeling angry.

We tend to act/feel in the moment, instead of taking a step back and trying to figure out what just hit us, and we go from 0 to bitch in 1.2 seconds.

Stepping back for even a moment, and feel/listen to your thoughts and feelings. It will help you to figure out exactly WHAT emotion is going on at the moment.
 
I spent 30 years trying to avoid anger and denying it when it did come up. By the time I got to therapy, I didn't know when I was feeling anger. I couldn't recognize it in myself. My counselor had to point out the physical manifestations that indicated I was angry, like clenched fists.

My advice is to go slow. It took me a long time to feel safe enough to experience anger with my counselor, let alone on my own! A big part of handling these strong emotions is learning how to titrate them so they don't overwhelm you (and lead to self-harm or other destructive behavior).

I urge you to tell your T about these urges to hurt yourself. Not because they are a problem per se, but because they provide insight into what's going on with you and how much feeling is too much. It sounds like your anger is very internalized (mine is, too!) so that you feel you have to take it out on yourself--you get mad at yourself before you get mad at anyone else.
 
I used to hit myself when I was angry with my partner. It might still be a temptation.....I don't know, I've been by myself for two years.

I was incredably angry for decades and did all the things the books say to do, punching bags, etc. Then when I got into therapy......the rages started. I've never had a problem feeling anger.......I've been perpetually angry.

I must say, after 3 years of therapy and some intense rages during my break up........My body feels lighter......I'm not feeling like a big ball of anger anymore. In fact, I'm restructuring within to figure out exactly who I am without all that anger.

Good luck in feeling your anger........for me, I know I might still have anger issues and I have to be on top of it in order not to harm myself or others.........Hopefully I can stop myself and feel the pain instead..........
I wonder what that can possibly be like, not being angry, as I read other's posts and their difficulty with feeling anger..........boy, I've been a red hot balloon ever since I can remember. Must be the Romanian blood.
 
Esther,

I have the same issue in terms of feeling anger or even recognizing it for that matter. I was taught (by my abuser) that feelings were wrong and that anything I was feeling was wrong and I should be ashamed of it. He wanted me emotionless and suceeded for quite some time.

I am happy that you brought this up. While I know now that feelings aren't "wrong" I too don't know how to express my anger or feel ashamed when i do get angry. But I think their advice is right, its a go slow process. I think its something you have to do with people your comfortable with as well. feelings safe to feel is a key I think
 
Esther

Feeling no anger at all for anything, would be considered to be unhealthy.

Having an abundance of anger would be unheathy.

Taking anger out on yourself, like selfharm,is unhealthy and something i used to do, because i was so angry and had no healthy outlet, also wanted to punish myself and others, leading to selfharm.

To be to passive and not feel anger at all, especially when you should have some anger, could mean youve lost some self respect and Self worth and might need looking at.

Which im at - at the moment, and to not feel when you should might also mean you building up anger, and ending in an 'outburst' which happens to me, because i do not say how i feel at the time when something is irritating my boundries.

Avoidance of anger is a bit unhealthy, because it is ok to be angry, and your therapist saying you need to let go - would indicate she thinks you are building up anger, rather tha dealing with it, maybe try looking at venting and anger release in a healthy way. I do this by physical sport to release negative energy, or venting to someone o trust ,,, when i am angry and holding it when i should be saying it,,,, i am practising taking a step back in the given situation, giving myself a minite to think, ' or breath of fresh air', coming back and saying to the person, ' i feel that,,,,,,,' whatever the given situation is that is upsetting me.

Alot of the time, self harm is a progressive step of a person that has anger towards a person, and cannot/is not able to express it, frustration,, is alot of the time what children do,,,, and adults so starts they taking it out on themselves.

If it is however, a genuine hate and anger at oneself for an action or inaction or perseption, then this has to be taken to a therapist/ trusted wise person, and talked about.

Anger does have to be avoided, just understood and dealt with in a healthy way.

Im on my journey to understand that and just passing on what ive been told.
 
It is actually quite normal to get angry at times when that anger is appropriate. When you feel angry and exerting that anger is not necessarily warranted, then you should look at the emotion and assert what you feel, instead of moving into the aggressive spectrum. Passive - Assertive - Aggressive. Never being angry is passive. Never asserting your feelings is aggressive. Assertive is what you aim for. Passive aggressive is definitely not healthy.
 
I can respect myself, and be assertive when I need too.
I think Kers and Kunoichi are wise in saying to take it slow. It's more anger that comes out of nowhere- I'm so used to just shoving down and numbing any emotion that now it's really scary to feel anything.

I have come a long way, I can feel sadness and fear, but anger is a harder one. Especially the trauma-specific anger. I think my therapist means I need to be angry about that, because it is appropriate, instead of internalizing it and hurting myself.

I guess there isn't any way but through!
 
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