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Can of Worms? Do I Wait? Don't I?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by hannah, Jan 23, 2007.

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  1. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    Oh well guys I have tried to take on board what you all have said and since Christmas I have implemented it.

    hubby is not so angry - he talks about his job and is relaxed and content in his present surroundings. with ex military guys and is near the "action". He is where he feels comfortable -

    I have tried my damndest to be supportive and patient even running him to catch his transport to the other side of the world. I recognise that he was once a soldier always a soldier in his blood!

    I have tried to ask ONE question and tried to clarify what he feels - at which point he still says I am wrong and I read into things! Even when i give him the alternative Im wrong oh my god -to what he is saying !!!!

    We are separated and there are inevitable worries, house finances etc etc.
    He tells me not to worry ! (he is paying bills love him)
    We are mostly very polite on the phone and aware that we dont want it to arouse anger.

    OK. - but when I need to know if he has any idea of where we are going with this? he says I cause him pressure , But there are sufferers on here that know they want/dont want the support of the spouse.
    I learnt by that but he says there is nothing wrong with him although he has agreed for nearly three months that he would see a doctor and hasnt! He cant see one over there now. So it will be when he returns (dont know when)

    He is doing a good job but is always complaining of tiredness, not sleeping tossing and turning sniffles and is recently recovering from a chest infection/flu.

    I am calm with him now and listen to what he has to say. I just calmed him and we have agreed to just chat about ordinary things on the phone and email other stuff im hoping he will be able to read without anger and have time and space to justify his answers if he can figure them. Any way the bottom line is I have told him I am convinced he is not himself and that I am pointing him to this forum - to read the resources if nothing else. I am willing
    to take the flack as I can practically hear what he is going to say and it wont be complimentary!

    The last thing I want to do is upset him but he has to start to do something for himself. recognise the fact people love and care cant stand by and watch him do nothing while he turns his back on his family and pretends there is nothing wrong. (three years since he first emotinally detatced) i hope this doesnt backfire but what the hell have I got to lose. No relationship........
    for those of you have read my posts I have not denied that I wasnt sure if this was another relationship breakdown. But listening to his voice and reading other posts I am convinced he is suffering!
    Gut instincts and all that.
    :tongue: heres hoping he will slowly take my hand......
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  3. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

    :smile: Hi Hanna,

    Started reading your "can of worms" and finished it, understanding the limbo u feel. Even tho ranger & I work at this relationship, it isn't always easy.

    ranger signed up for school yesterday (he hates going to school) but we get money while he going. So he did it for the money. Any way on the way home I was talking about finances in general terms. We have already shut off the TV, we are going to turn off one cell phone and lower the minutes on the one we do keep. Should save $60 to $70 a month. OH back on topic, sorry. He started getting a tad grumpie. Then a deer ran across the road in front of us (which I expected & had slowed down for). He got grumpier over that. By the time we got home, he had work himself up into a pretty good pissy mood. Then my daughter's (firefighter chic) jeep was parked in our spot (no big deal, plenty of other area to park). He just said she hadn't planned on being here when we got home and seemed to get more upset.
    She asked me why he was upset.....?????My answer ????? well, which one of these things or all of the things was it? Darned if I know. He came in put the chicken in the oven, then went to play guitar (his stress relief).
    Needless to say, she says to me, "he's upset if I am home, he's upset if I'm not, so if I'm not here I don't have to deal with it." She had been to San Francisco and gotten us some chocolate, made some pictures on a cd for us of Alcatraz Island. She shared a little about her trip. Then left!

    :wall: I still don't really know if it was one of things that pissed him off or all of them added together.

    Being patient and understanding of PTSD is sometimes VERY difficult.
    I don't know what to say to u about yr hubby and his PTSD. Being here on this forum and getting imput from the sufferers is the best thing for u. I sure can't help other than to say "I'm not always having an easy time of things either, so you aren't alone!"

    Hugs to you Hannah. (we really need a smiley face that sends hugs!) HEY ANTHONY CAN U TAKE CARE OF THAT) LOL
    It would get worn out...........LOL

    Take Care

    D (wildcritter)
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    My opinion... he is stringing you along until something better comes along for him at this time, then he will make up more excuses, and it will continue. Why does he need to help himself, when you are sitting their patiently waiting for him? Hannah, the best thing you can do to a sufferer of PTSD, is cut them loose and see what eventuates. Don't take any of their shit either. After that, he is either coming back, or he's not, but atleast you will know.
  5. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    You are in such a difficult situation....
    I read this thread earlier and did not know how to respond... im sure other people feel the same....
    Its a scary subject to touch in a way... I understand how much you are suffering by waiting.... and waiting..... now i undertsand what you mean when you say you and i have alot in common...you have no idea whats going to happen tomorrow, how hes going to feel, what hes going to decide to do! I have been there and its not fun.... while i can agree with Anthony...its still hard to let someone you love go just like that... there are times where i wish it were easier to just leave out of being so desperate, but its not. You cannot stop loving/caring about someone from one day to the next.
    wow have i heard that one before....doesnt it suck to hear that when you are trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life and where it is going with him?? you get no answers at all :( Ive been there, asked that and have gotten the same answer... and it was hard as heck when we were seperated to listen to the damn excuses because he was going through crap and was confused....but fortunately for me now, we are back together and i am starting to learn that my husband doesnt have (say) all the answers but he shows me how he wants things to be. Its hard for alot of men to communicate verbally...very hard....just wish he was closer to you so that you can see whether there is still something there or if it is time for you to move on... at the same time you cannot pause your life for him until he decides to get help and think about his family...thats not right... hell maybe a lil tough love will make him realize that he needs to do better for himself in order to make things work.... or hes going to lose someone who truely loves him :(

    Im a few years older than my husband...so when i was getting all these "i dont know's" and that i was pressuring him...i was going insane because i want to spend my life with him and have a house with a couple of beagles :) and kids!! so when you head that there might not even be a future, its scary as shit :(
  6. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    worms all over the god damn place !

    Thanks again guys - yes it has been said "he is stringing me along" my own kids see that too.

    This separation has given me space i really needed too. I am getting stronger each day but I just cant get my head around the fact this once very calm gentle guy is uncaring and selfish enough to put us through this.

    I am taking "firmer" steps as Anthony says "he will either come back or not"

    I am going away for a few days with a girlfriend to forget this crap and have a laugh. He needs to make a choice - He even said yesterday "why do I have to make all the decisions" ! Is that a cop out or what - Im sure if I sold up packed up and didnt contact him it would go right over his head!

    I know you guys have no magic answers - but at the moment I need to get a little stronger in myself in order to make a decision. Take care and thanks for your thoughts. :kiss:
  7. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

    Hi Hannah. When I was at my worst with the Combat Stress, which was last April, I still imagined that I was in my regiment. My head was so screwed up that the little girl that was shot in front of me in Bosnia, was actually grown-up. Let me explain: I was on this fan club forum for Judas Priest and I got talking on the net to this Polish Kid, who was nearly 17, now it was all very innocent and such, but in my head this was the little girl who had grown up and it was if I was trying to say sorry about what happened to her and to make amends. Does that make any sense to you.
    You stay in the UK. Why don't you get your husband to a Combat Stress Rehabilitation Centre, there is 3 in the UK, one in Surrey, one in Shropshire, and one in Ayrshire in Scotland, which is the one that I go to. Get him to see a psycologist and they will put him in contact with the Combat Stress people and a Liason Officer will come out and see him and yourself as well.
    Remember I told you about my friend Taff, well he came back at Xmas, he is a lot better now, but his head is still screwed up. Taff was so suicidal that he thought that he was Superman and thought that he could fly. So the folk at Combat Stress had to cover the window to stop him getting out. He is beter now like I said.
    So get your Hubby the help that is there, he is entitled to it.
    Best of Luck
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Hannah, I think taking time out for yourself with your girlfreinds is a wonderful idea! Even though I'm a sufferer, I relate to needing that inner strength to make and stick to a decision. In relationships it takes me around a year of wrangling with myself to get to that point.. (LOL, Keep in mind I do have a PTSD brain... ) I'm glad to hear your looking after yourself and trying to get some good ol' R&R. Have a lot of fun and relax some!

  9. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

    Hi Hannah

    Hope you have a fantastic time away! Let your hair down & have some FUN!
  10. Lee

    Lee Member

    Ohmigod....you girls could be me writing...everything you are saying is exactly what I have/am going through with W. I am so glad....and also so sad that there are others out there...not just me on my own. I SO know what you mean about the once loving/caring man turning into an angry/nasty uncaring person......you just think WHAT HAPPENED !! I get SO angry myself...I feel so ripped off. I always envisaged huge family Christmasses when the kids grow up with W playing ames with the grandkids and then coming in to have a beer and laugh with the sons-in-law. All I can see now is a grumpy old man telling the kids to F off and going to hide out on his own somewhere, while we all try to pretend life is happy and normal. I turn 40 this year....is this what I want?
  11. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    thanks - had a great time!!! feeling much better

    :jerk: :tongue: Hi - Lee yep The milion dollar question IS THIS WHAT I WANT - nobody wants this crap - when everything you say ord do is either misinterperated or mistrusted or just invalidated. We love the people they once were. Shock and horror of the change is frightening. I love my husband dearly but did not understand what happened to him. I have read and read and read looking for answers I emotionally exhausted myself though fighting and worrying and caring. Dreams are gone - perhaps thats our fault for putting too much hope and faith in another person. I tried to send my husband here and I was told it was a load of old rubbish!!!!! God he is infuriating. I then began to question myself was I doing wrong???? But no I have had witnesses to his behavior and so many people cant be wrong ....

    I might never know what is the cause for the change in my husband as I havent had real communication since he left the family home in November!!!

    He has turned his back on me, and his family.
    I have also researched MLC but all in all all I really know is that his actions speak louder than words --- he has no time for loved ones - just is military colleages and the war torn states!!!! He is happy - perhaps that is gods plan!? Ive stopped trying to get him back - I love him always will - I speak to him sporadically - but he is not who he was and I find that hard to deal with. I have even thought that years ago he had the energy to be the "tuffy" at his job and the "gentle" guy when he took his uniform off.....now he just stays with the Tuffy and we dont know that side of him.

    On a lighter note - I would again like to thank all for supporting me i the previous few months ........ cheers guys ...

    I have been away as I said -- had a fab time and realised the world is my oyster too. I have been sad long enough. I need to keep picking myself up.
    There is a chosen path for us we cannot fight it. Have a nice day..
  12. Lee

    Lee Member

    Hannah, your life is so much like mine. I too have decided to take back my life before it is too late. I am thinking ahead now to where and how I want to be in 10 years time, on my 50th birthday, and I look back to my 30th and so much has happened since then, it seems forever ago.......so if I take back my life now I just MAY get those 10 years of peace ad joy....but I certainly know that if I don't take back my life from him and ontinue to let him abuse me, I will certainly end up with 13 years of hell, not just 3.
    Thank you for your support
  13. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

    "Once a soldier, Always a soldier"


    This is your quote in the first post of this thread. It is truer, than most anything --- to become a soldier -- they eat, sleep, breath, doing the things soldiers do. They train so hard at being a soldier it becomes ALL they know, so that they may survive....:gunem-dow

    When they come home -- they are NOT re-trained to be a civilian again or how to cope with NOT being a soldier...:think: I truly believe they need to be "de-programmed to come home to their families" --as sad as it is to say...

    As a result we (spouses) get back the mixed up version of our spouses that left to become a soldier...(They literally don't know who they are sometimes),
    which is scarey at H LL, if u know what I mean!

    What can we do? Is that the Hardest question ever to have answered or what? On good days :cool: , on bad days:cuckoo: for all of us involved....No, it isn't funny even if sometimes we try to make light of the things we have to deal with day to day. Some times the things we say or do "set them off" and other times "it won't set them off" -- I know there are days when I truly have felt like I am playing Russian rulet --IT SUCKS !!

    Ranger can be sweet/loving/caring wonderful man --"Soldier" Ranger, should be feared by anyone/anything in his path that is an "unfriendly." Am "I" afraid of him, no. But there are many times when "I am afraid for him."

    I am sure you already know all this, I guess I am hoping that this will help someone reading this to understand -- how come our guys are so mixed up/confused/conflicted, etc.

    Take Care & God Bless
    I truly hope everything works out for you to be HAPPY !:smile:

    D (wildcritter)
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