Relationship Can spouse let me in even after argument after therapy session?

MalloryJ

New Here
My husband with complex PTSD let me in to a seperate therapy session with his therapist the other day which I told him I appreciated him allowing me to be a part of that.
Everything was great after the session, we went to the gym and I didn't want to bring it up because I felt it was a big deal and maybe we'd sit with it for awhile and talk the next day. He asked me how it went in the car ride home and said he didn't think I stated what I was looking for. I answered, and said vulnerability and being more open in general and in the future because I know that's a hard thing to do. He cut me off and said he was doing that by me being part of the session and I wanted to finish what I was saying.

I think he took how I answered the wrong way and felt like I was trying to get him to tell me things which I was 150% not doing. He shut me down at that point and I was frantic to make sure he knew that's not what I was doing but I think I did more harm than good by trying to do that, instead of leaving it alone and talking later after emotions settled down.

I was frustrated all day yesterday and let my emotions get the best of me thinking about how he shut me down. I wrote him a letter to compile my thoughts but now realize in the midst of writing, I was stewing in negative emotions and wrote some things I didn't necessarily mean. I came home pissed after being pissed all day and didn't handle things the way I should have and I really hurt him with some things I wrote. After thinking about things while he went for a run, I realized I was hurtful in what I said.

I sincerely apologized last night and again this morning and told him I reacted emotionally instead of taking the time and space to think things through and respond with my love and care for him in mind to help us move forward and grow. I'm sure I won't be a part of any sessions going forward but did tell him all I can do is show him the work I want to put in and hope in the future there's hope of openness with me in those sensitive areas.

I feel awful, like I shot myself in the foot with this one and I couldn't be more frustrated with myself. Any suggestions where I could try to make this better or would it just be time and patience and trying to better myself about things I need to work on.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello mallory. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

if you are taking votes, i vote you go for the time, patience and self-focus. my husband helps me best through my cptsd nightmares when he has done that and only that. well. . . it seriously rocks when he listens with little more commentary than votes of confidence and trust that i can find my way out of the psychic fog --again. when the love of my life assures me i can, it gives me the self-confidence to move mountains.

i hope you can forgive and be gentle with yourself for your human limitations. recovery is a very confusing journey for all. it's okay to be human in the face of it.

for what it's worth
i've been on both sides of the ptsd help desk. when i am on the supporter side of the desk, my most supportive mantra is, "ears open. mouth shut." whatever the sufferer is telling me, it is theirs to sort. i figure my job is to just listen until they connect the dots on their own.
 

MalloryJ

New Here
hello mallory. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

if you are taking votes, i vote you go for the time, patience and self-focus. my husband helps me best through my cptsd nightmares when he has done that and only that. well. . . it seriously rocks when he listens with little more commentary than votes of confidence and trust that i can find my way out of the psychic fog --again. when the love of my life assures me i can, it gives me the self-confidence to move mountains.

i hope you can forgive and be gentle with yourself for your human limitations. recovery is a very confusing journey for all. it's okay to be human in the face of it.

for what it's worth
i've been on both sides of the ptsd help desk. when i am on the supporter side of the desk, my most supportive mantra is, "ears open. mouth shut." whatever the sufferer is telling me, it is theirs to sort. i figure my job is to just listen until they connect the dots on their own.
Hi Arfie, Thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate it. I have helped him through night sweats as well just by wiping him down and stroking his hair which tends to make him feel better. It's a simple act like that which helps I think at least in that situation. I definitely need to practice the "Ears open. mouth shut" mantra. I think that will really help.

He hasn't opened up to me about his PTSD much and hasn't gone into detail but I understand that's normal. It's hard enough to get to the point of even going to a therapist. I just want to be supportive as possible for him and I feel like I royally f*cked up and he won't ever want to open up in any way shape or form regarding his PTSD. I do think you a right and I think time, patience and self-focus is the best thing I can do for him and for us right now. I'm hoping with practicing this, maybe things will get better in the future.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I royally f*cked up and he won't ever want to open up in any way shape or form regarding his PTSD.

this could be a direct quote from an uncounted number of the rounds hubby has ridden with me in our 42 years together. it is true, but far from tragic. f*ck ups happen when dealing with f*cked up situations and not even i really understand the reasons i don't want to open up to him, or anybody else for that matter. my easiest to say excuse is that spouses make notoriously lousy therapists, even when they are qualified to treat john q. public. please, my love, support me **as** a husband. i don't believe my trauma tales will ever qualify as nostalgic social banter or romantic sweet nothings.

I'm hoping with practicing this, maybe things will get better in the future.

i'm hoping with you. my hubs and i think we might need another 42 years of practice.
good loving takes time to learn.
practice, practice, practice. . .
 

MalloryJ

New Here
this could be a direct quote from an uncounted number of the rounds hubby has ridden with me in our 42 years together. it is true, but far from tragic. f*ck ups happen when dealing with f*cked up situations and not even i really understand the reasons i don't want to open up to him, or anybody else for that matter. my easiest to say excuse is that spouses make notoriously lousy therapists, even when they are qualified to treat john q. public. please, my love, support me **as** a husband. i don't believe my trauma tales will ever qualify as nostalgic social banter or romantic sweet nothings.



i'm hoping with you. my hubs and i think we might need another 42 years of practice.
good loving takes time to learn.
practice, practice, practice. . .
It eases my brain a little bit to know that it's ok that f*ck ups happen. I just have to be ok with knowing that something like this takes time and I just need to keep loving him with all that I have. I think that helps right? Congratulations on 42 years btw. I know I have years and year to learn, practice and be graceful with this.
 
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