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Can you feel empathy?

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Bananamango

Learning
I have a friend with probable combat PTSD and I've noticed that if I text him/email him about something that has gone wrong in my life he doesn't acknowledge it, may get a bit perturbed by it and rarely says anything like 'I'm sorry that happened to you.'

For example year I got injured and needed major surgery and a year of rehab and I had some complications a few months after surgery. His first reaction when I told him about my injury was almost angry, and he actually tried to reprimand me for getting injured (it wasn't my fault--it was purely an accident). When I called him on that he apologized and then seemed to have a more appropriate reaction--said, sorry that happened. Later, when I had some complications, I mentioned what was going on in a text and he didn't acknowledge it at all. A few weeks later, I briefly mentioned something about it again, and again, no response, like what I typically would expect, like 'I'm sorry', or 'that sucks.'

I asked him in person about it and whether it bothers him when I tell him something like that (I really don't feel I'm bombarding him with lots of negative stuff) and he said he's just not very good with empathy.

I started wondering if someone is dealing with his/her own trauma, maybe he/she doesn't have the energy or time to deal with others' stuff too. If he/she is already in pain, taking on others' pain might be overwhelming.... So maybe I should try not share things like that with him if he's already got his own struggles. Or maybe my stuff seems kind of trivial if he's just struggling to get through the day....

Do you have trouble feeling empathy?

If you do have trouble, do you have another explanation for why you can't feel it? And I'm assuming, it would be helpful, as I suggested, for me to minimize sharing these things, so I don't burden him more? Thoughts?
 
I think that if he was numb, he wouldn’t say he isn’t good with empathy. That is, in my mind, when we are numb or symptomatic, we wouldn’t say “I’m not good with empathy”.

That is, someone who says they aren’t good with empathy has this as a character trait IMHO. That is, this is him, not ptsd.

If it was ptsd, we’d say “I can’t feel anything”. Does this make sense?

Ptsd doesn’t take away our sense of empathy in Toto. It does make us numb. No empathy means even without ptsd, he’s just not an empathetic guy.
 
Empathy? Sure.
Sympathy? Not so much.

If someone texted me they broke their leg? I wouldn’t say -or think- Sorry, how awful, blah blah blah. I’d make note of it for future planning purposes (hiking is out, need to go to places without 50 zillion stairs; they’re likely to be cranky & or stoned for the next week or two; fetch markers from the store for signing shit, also fetch food & beer to bring over with a movie), and then usually give them a hard time about it. :sneaky:

Shrug. That’s just who I am. Solution based + illness/injury are for poking fun at and making people laugh about.

Someone wants tea and sympathy? They need to reach out to someone else. That’s not me.
 
What you’re describing isn’t empathy, it’s sympathy - “I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time” is a sympathetic response and in lots of situations feels like a social convention rather than a meaningful expression of care. You may need that kind of response but he may just not be the kind of person to give it - nothing to do with PTSD, he might just not care for what could be considered meaningless platitudes.

He just not know how to respond, may not want to respond, might be dealing with his own stuff. I wouldn’t stop sharing stuff with him - he’s your friend and presumably interested in what’s happening in your life - but maybe adjust your expectation of how he’ll respond.
 
I get annoyed when my bf wants sympathy from me. Only when I'm really struggling with my own things. Sounds selfish, but I just can't deal with other peoples problems when I'm drowning in my own negative emotions and pain about my abuses. If I'm in a better mental and emotional state i respond better.

Plus if hes a combat vet he's probably not too sympathetic to first world issues. If I saw war and atrocities that occurred and no one around me cared about because it was so common place (e.g. child strapped with a bomb and told to run toward me, who had to be "taken out", as an example), I'd struggle with caring about someones surgery too, because there are so much more darker things out there...

An example of a "lack of empathy" in my case:

My bfs grandma died. She had Alzheimer's and passed away in her sleep at an upscale senior independent apartment place where she was able to live in her own space with nurses who frequently checked on her. She got her hair done regularly at the salon on site and meals delivered to her.

I felt her death was a blessing in that she died in her sleep (we would all want that, no?), and that her life was blessed. Ive known elderly people who have absolutely no one to come check on them, to take them to drs appts, who live alone and struggle tremendously financially and emotionally because they have very limited resources. I knew an 80 some year old woman who had to work because she and her husband couldn't afford their medication otherwise. I worked with her and she shared her struggles with me... THAT i can feel sympathetic toward.

So... do i really feel sad about my bfs grandmas death? Sounds terrible, but no. She had it great. Never had to work. Taken care of by her husbands estate. Able to die with dignity and comfort. I just couldn't have sympathy past "sorry for your loss". I've heard of elderly people who freeze to death in winter because they couldnt manage their heat bill. Two elderly women died outside on steps because they were homeless and turned away from a shelter for overcrowding; they froze to death.

Do i have sympathy for his grandma? Nope
 
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I spent a lot of my adult life working on feeling empathic. I wouldn’t say I am naturally empathetic ( I notice a lot of people boast about being empaths nowadays yet I do not feel they gauge my feelings well ) but that its a skill.

I also feel my sympathy is real and I am better delivering my take on a situation kindly and gently than platitudes and lies.

If some one had hurt them selves I have to contain nervous laughter ; a hideous thing. I would want to know if they were ok. What I would not be saying if I were not saying ’i’m sorry that hapoened’ would be the things I thought but I had no business or benefit to the person in saying like: you know stilettos are always going to be precarious on cobbles, only the very young girls can skip like goats safely, we oldies are going to fall and hurt our selves... ) my empathy would be at capacity not voicing what was not wanted, my sympathy would be in asking if anything was needed and my hope would Be I could contain/ wasn’t asked my opinion which would be truth deliver compassionately

Ptsd people aren’t paper cut outs. We have similarities born of similar experiences and our pts reactions; but we are different.
 
I do not know your friend but maybe he feels less than he shows. Men often are like that and do not carry their hearts on their sleeves... especially soldier’s. They rather crack a joke but it does not mean they do not care. It is just how they cope with things.
My vet always jokes about it when he or somebody else is hurt... in order to cheer people up... that or he gets megastressed about small stuff...

For me that gives me reassurance cause I think he wants to cheer me up... and that‘s nice.

My BIL cracks a lot of horrible jokes about disabilities and so on. I sometimes do wonder if it is ptsd, how he copes with that.

However I think men do feel more empathy than they show. We (especially us Germans but also people from other countries) just do not live in a culture where men are expected to be very sensitive and touchy-feely and I guess if they were other men would make fun of them.

BTW I like what @Friday says very much... help is far more.... well „helpful“ than sympathy.

@Supervixn I think you are wrong to believe that well-off persons cannot possible have any problems. As if lack of money was the only problem which existed on this earth. I think having Alzheimer’s, seeing a loved one die from Alzheimer’s is always bad no matter how rich the person in question is.
 
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To be totally honest and fair. Dying of Alzheimer's and dignity, don't really go hand in hand.

When someone forgets that shit isn't a good medium for wall art, clothing, food, and or substitute for snowball fights. Dignity goes out the window. Sometimes with the bedpan...
Money doesn't buy a dementia patient dignity, just tighter lipped staff in a more private facility.... hopefully.
 
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