Hello, y'all, I hope you're well :) I wouldn't necessarily recommend reading this post if you're not lol, up to you obviously.
Anyway -- I was going to say something about this in my trauma diary or just keep it to myself. But decided I want extra feedback. This is a cognitive distortion of some kind, though it doesn't FEEL like one.
Just stalling because I feel embarrassed to be having "emo" thoughts.
I'm starting to worry that nothing will ever be okay ever again.
Context being, well, everything. I suppose it mainly started in 2016, where we all collectively had a bad year (it feels like) and then nothing got better and just kept getting worse. My best friend ("Bestie") and I joke that we can't wait for "things to stop happening," as in we get a little time to just sit and relax and have nothing go wrong for five minutes. Just five minutes of getting away from the chronic stresses of life.
But it's just been one thing after another for so long now. I feel like Job with everything going wrong, except obviously there isn't a humanlike god standing over me to test if I still love her lol -- I'm no bible figure. From starting out life in a rabbit cage, to being bullied constantly by parents, to getting trafficked, to having to be in that same neighborhood now with intense fear that I won't be able to move out again and that I'm being watched by the neighbors who participated in said abuses, etc. Things WERE going better, briefly, but I've been through more trauma trying to get away from this place, got diagnosed with a new disorder that has a high rate of homelessness, thought I was about to be trafficked again and ended up in a lawsuit with a corporation about it, now just lost a very important grandparent in a way that showed me that my relationship with her was heavily interfered with by my family making me keep secrets from her and trying to convince me she was secretly evil. And now she's just gone and I can't redo anything.
I'm genuinely worse off from when I started, which sounds dramatic, but it feels this way because I feel like most people have some kind of childhood to base things off of, to gain friends and support, and meanwhile I had. Just trauma after trauma. I'm in a country that couldn't care less about me and actively wants me dead; not an exaggeration, been getting sent videos of people decapitating Jews and raping trans men -- trying to just stay away from it but often when I'm triggered this way I end up seeking out similar content as some sort of? internal practice to help make sure I'm prepared for when I get murdered, if I don't kill myself first? I do find myself actively watching others' suicides in preparation for my own to avoid some of the fates I've been threatened with by kidnapper/pedophile and others.
I'm hearing other people live sheltered lives in college if they go, which my college career was heavily marked by having to go to the hospital several times due to being afraid of the world and also being out of the traumatic situations of home while getting brand new traumatic experiences.
I just feel like I can't get away from anything. Other people get head starts in life, or support for their singular traumas, and some people get to live a life that isn't dangerous, and meanwhile I'm just.... here. Couldn't even get a break in therapy. Got kicked out of one office for being disabled and my therapist retiring and forgetting to help me get another therapist. Long story short.
Are any of you getting breaks where things are "okay" enough? Or is the struggle of life just that all of us have one thing happen after another, become more vulnerable, and then get diagnosed with some kind of illness that kills us? I hate to ask it that way, I really view myself as a optimist, but it's been so difficult lately and most of my friends are dying and I'm struggling to make it to the next major stressors or trauma. Does that make sense/do I make sense? Really not sure I'm even wording this right -- just, will anything ever be okay again?
I'm genuinely worried this sounds self centered and dramatic but, like, anything good going on in your lives that you don't feel like you have to lie about to cheer other people up? Anything at all make you not feel like your just surviving one bad thing after another?
What would you say to someone with the quoted problem in the quote?