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Cannot accept love, still.

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Firstly, thanks for giving me a little bit of space on the net to just let it out. I appreciate the community.

I’m having emdr for c-ptsd. There was a lot of neglect, violence, s-abuse (from more than one) and through all of the healing, the neglect is the hardest to face. More so on how it set me up to believe that love isn’t a real thing, not really. I suppressed all parts of myself to get by, married really young (even though deep down I didn’t want to) because I already had it in my head that if I didn’t meet anyone by 30, I’d take my own life. What’s the point of it all if you’re rejected from day one.

So the last 3 years post divorce and I am 34 has had me creating all sorts of havoc on my already fragile sense of self. I have mainly had relationships with drug addicts. Men who are socially lower class because I feel like safer with them? But the kicker is, I am constantly praised for my looks, intellect and charm. But deep down I feel like a piece of shit. Which triggers me into being submissive and lacking my own choices. I have slept with men who I haven’t wanted to, because years of being groomed and abused via family members kindof created this sense that sex, love and trust isn’t for me.. I am just a sexual thing for others. Which I loathe myself for, and at the same time I am desperate for connection.

I dissociate etc so feeling my feelings is like f*cking impossible and I am so exhausted from being perceived as a beautiful women who’s got a great life.

Anyway, there’s this guy who’s flying across the world to come see me. He is kind and securely attached. He says crazy shit like I am the one for him ect. But he doesn’t understand how crazy that is to comprehend for me. Not to mention his personal feelings about things being clean and nice. I never had a tooth brush as a child.. I feel so physically and spiritually damaged. I have had so much dental work, what is he going to think of me when he sees me let go and laugh loud and sees the extent of what happen? For someone like him, it’s no big deal- he’ll move on and shrug it off like “we didn’t match” but for me? I litterally feel like I would rather die than be rejected, again.

This is why I stay away from men now. I can’t bare it. But then again, am I even living?

I’m not sure what my point is here, I just want to air my darkened heart a little so I feel less ashamed. It’s such a joke that people view me as this lovely person, when I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

Sometimes I wish that people wouldn’t declare love because it feels so good (to them) when they don’t even know you. It’s so stressful.
Welcome to the community.

Sounds pretty tough for you right now. That's very consistent with being in the thick of EMDR.

In terms of receiving love from others - how well do you feel that you love and accept yourself?
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