Can't Stop Crying

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
The last couple of weeks have been bad. Lots of "little" stressors, but I don't experience them as little; each has involved something very important and central to my daily life, and they have built up to the point of extreme overwhelm at this point. I don't want to do this anymore. Anything. I just want to be gone.

I've had a birdfeeder (pole and feeders) in my backyard for a couple of years now, and I get immense pleasure (and peace) out of knowing I can do something for the birds (and other critters that visit) and watching and photographing them. The ground underneath the feeder was all torn up (wasn't sure why, but the pole got higher and harder to reach over time), so I decided to move it over a bit and put down fresh dirt.

I have arthritis in both hands and had surgery on the left about a month ago, so my hands are not very strong. It's taken me a long while, but I finally hired someone locally (a young guy, just trying to get his business going) to come and take care of it. He came. Took him an hour to take it apart and down, and in the process, he lost a screw (didn't remember what he does with it). I was livid, because I was going to have to go out and get another screw and finish it all myself. This kid got snippy with me, saying I was mad over a mistake, a silly .36 screw. I actually did not express my anger AT ALL except to pay him and ask him to leave.

I can't put it up myself. I hate not having it up. I miss the birds. My cats miss the birds.

This is after a number of other serious stressors this week. I edit a newsletter for a non-profit, and I'm not getting the support or the answers I need to finish it. Everytime I send an email with questions to my co-editor (in name only), she replies the next day with "is it finished yet?" Now, it's due tomorrow, and she hasn't emailed or texted me in two days. If I thought she was being deliberately difficult, I'd say she would meet the definition of gaslighting perfectly. I'm thinking this is "unconscious gaslighting." I've been trying to stick around in this group; I really don't want to leave, but I can't handle being treated with such disregard and dismissiveness.

I have to deliver the sermon next week (lay leader, only not really), I have an event I have to work at tomorrow all day, I'm in a lot of pain after working to prep for that event today, and I've started having headaches again.

Sorry. I just feel so alone and with no support.
 

Roland

Confident
I'm sorry it's been rough for you.

Rough week for me too, and I can't even figure out why. I feel confused, disoriented, and depressed as f*ck.

Fun times o'clock
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i think of tears as a shower for the soul. i am frequently amazed at how often clear, compassionate answers come to me after i've had a good, hot shower. i think better without all the spiritual grime the tears wash away.

shower freely. shower often. shower with a friend.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sorry @whiteraven

I, too, often find that the accumulation of smaller stressors push me over the edge. Maybe do a few nice things for yourself and your body tonight. And then when you feel more calm you can manage those stressors just one little step at a time. I also have to remind myself often that all feelings/emotions have a beginning, middle, and end.

If you aren’t looking for solutions…just know I am sending love and support your way. I hear you and I am sorry 💜
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not managing LIFE well right now. I don't know how. Every damn time I get up in the morning it's one more thing.

There was the birdfeeder (which is still not back up, and all the birds are gone)
There is the newsletter. I thought we had it squared away, and then someone comes behind me today and changes everything on my working document (and I'd already moved everything to the template). I have no idea if she rewrote anything, and I don't have the time to figure it out.
There's church. The choir director asked me to email him, which I did--three weeks ago--about the upcoming services, and he never got back with me. Today the pianist tells me he's picked out an 8 (EIGHT) minute piece for the offertory--I asked for short and I asked for something not classical. He's playing a classical piece.
My worship associate backed out after we put a shitload of stuff for him to do. Now, I have to do it.
And today--my neighbor (I try so very hard to use careful and sensitive language, but she is a f*cking lunatic) dug up all the flowers just outside my patio door. She also planted them there without asking me over the summer. And trimmed bushes in the back I asked her to leave alone.

I am sooo mad. And sooo upset. And the depression is so much worse.

I don't know how to manage this. And my stupid T replied to my email that I cancelled Monday and told me to have a peaceful weekend.

I feel like, in everything I've tried to do, I am being dismissed, disregarded, and ignored.

I don't know how to manage this.
 

Friday

Moderator
I feel like, in everything I've tried to do, I am being dismissed, disregarded, and ignored.
You may be.

That happens sometimes.

It also may be that you’re just expecting the worst and filling in other people’s motivations / Mindreading to suit what you expect. IDFK where reality falls on that spectrum.

I used to have Sam to always set me midline, be my bright spark in the dark, get where I’m coming from / laugh me back to reality. He’s a ghost now, so at best all I have is the memory of him, setting me to rights. Do you have anyone in your life, or your memories, who can set you right?
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like a lot of stressors being dumped into the cup! I am not surprised it's starting to overflow.

There was the birdfeeder (which is still not back up, and all the birds are gone)

They'll be back! And birds are real smart, so they'll still remember you.

my working document (and I'd already moved everything to the template). I have no idea if she rewrote anything, and I don't have the time to figure it out.

Sounds like there is nothing you can do about it, so that's a problem for them to figure out amongst themselves. Obviously them changing your document is unprofessional but I'd dump all that stress right back onto them!

I asked for short and I asked for something not classical. He's playing a classical piece.

Maybe he has an easier time with the classical piece. Have you spoken to him about why he disregarded your instructions? Swish, dump that stress back where it belongs. He can do his piano things, music is music.

My worship associate backed out after we put a shitload of stuff for him to do. Now, I have to do it.

That sucks majorly. What kind of stuff do you have to do?
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
They'll be back! And birds are real smart, so they'll still remember you.
Oh yeah. I wasn't worried about them not coming back. I create a relationship with animals I meet--a kind of energetic connection. I know they can go elsewhere to get food, but I believe I have an obligation (a happy obligation!) to continue to feed them. And I just miss them being here, as do my cats.
Sounds like there is nothing you can do about it, so that's a problem for them to figure out amongst themselves. Obviously them changing your document is unprofessional but I'd dump all that stress right back onto them!
Yeah, except I really liked doing it. And it feels a bit like gaslighting, the way she talks to me and treats me.
Maybe he has an easier time with the classical piece. Have you spoken to him about why he disregarded your instructions? Swish, dump that stress back where it belongs. He can do his piano things, music is music.
Feels a little dismissive. He is a classical pianist, but that's beside the point. When I put something like an entire service together, I want everything to go together. This was a pagan service, and the classical pieces did NOT fit. It's like going to a high mass or a service in a synagogue, with heavy metal music playing on and on for aspects of the service.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
This was a pagan service, and the classical pieces did NOT fit. It's like going to a high mass or a service in a synagogue, with heavy metal music playing on and on for aspects of the service.

He did wrong & am not disputing that. But it sounds like u are upset because u have to deal with this situation, yah? Do you actually have to deal with it? Or are u taking it on? Bc PTSD stress cuppy needs managing, yeh?

Either way -> yah, sounds like maybe he could use the talking-to if you're up for that shtuff. But if not, that's OK too! On the one hand you could potentially resolve the situation (or he is just an idiot && you can boot him out)

But on the other hand "what will be, will be", yah know? Not trying to dismiss it, just giving u options.

Yeah, except I really liked doing it. And it feels a bit like gaslighting, the way she talks to me and treats me.

Is there anyone u can talk to about the behavior/dynamics that are going on in this group at a higher level?
 
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