Cant stop ruining my life

Anyone else experience severe abuse within a family and then wonder why you seem to push absolutely anyone and everything beneficial to yourself away, majority of the time I cant help destroying anything good as more excuse to kill myself but in the small pieces of respite in my self destruction I hate what I've done and my distrust for my partner when they've proved themselves more than enough, hate myself more just being this way, feel so doomed!?!? Most of all, my partner had enough stress and I just cause him to snap, and he tries so hard but I've been suicidal everyday for 14 years and he takes it personally when I self harm, the last time I ripped out chunks and chunks of hair and discussed how pointless everything felt, how sure I was that everyone was laughing at me, he reacted shouting calling me a selfish git, and often is that way when I've been super down for a long time. Think I should live by myself really but he wouldnt accept that because he says he can barely leave the house for fear I'll succeed in ny attempts. Convinced death is my fate and that I was supposed to die in one of my attempts growing up, feel like I'm a walking curse for ppl and myself, stuck in a vicious cycle of self-loathing, certain my death is the only way, certain me being born is an error and hating myself evermore for being so submissive and terrified
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I experience. Sorry you have it too. How are you battling this what you don’t like about your self? Sending some gentle relief your way.
 
I'm sorry you always know this pain and frustration, I try to take peaceful time out to try and reconstruct my way of thinking on something by painting, yoga, ted talks, colouring in, walks in nature, I just cant get over the perception of myself distilled by PTSD of severe abuse and CPTSD of highly controlling narcissistic family
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
just cant get over the perception of myself
I understand this fear. For me, I noticed that with the help of my therapist I get better at coping with life in general which makes it less complicated to face my perceptions of myself.

Now that I’m no longer in an abusive marriage and no contact with my dad I can practice self-forgiveness without them messing with me. It’s still very hard but I can focus on it easier.

And even though I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels sometimes, I have people here to remind me of how far I’ve come and not to discount what happened.
 
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