Can't Talk About Positive Experiences

FreeSoul

Learning
There is something strange and odd that I discovered couple of years back about my conversations with others.
I was once talking with 2 guys from my college about a car accident that I had been involved in, and one of them was trying to cut me off. I didn't let him cut me off, and was determined to tell them about another car accident I had been involved in (quite a few car accidents). I went on to tell them about both the accidents.
However, if I had to talk about a positive experience with someone, I couldn't talk about a single experience even though I know I have many. Most of my conversations with people are filled with complaints, and I hate it.
I don't understand why I have this. I have often thought that I am terrified of my father criticizing me were I to talk about my positive experiences with someone, even though my family wasn't around.
I have tried to persuade myself to talk about positive experiences, but I am unable to do it even if I have to think about them.
The strangest thing is I feel really lively and alert when I am in negative incidents such as car accidents; but when it comes to sky diving, jet skiing, or travelling, I am half asleep, emotionally dead.
Could it be that I am ashamed to have good experiences and I feel I cannot be worthy of being in situations that causes me to feel satisfied?
As a child, I was shamed a lot by my family for showing emotions.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Could it be that I am ashamed to have good experiences and I feel I cannot be worthy of being in situations that causes me to feel satisfied?
As a child, I was shamed a lot by my family for showing emotions.
That might be.

The strangest thing is I feel really lively and alert when I am in negative incidents such as car accidents; but when it comes to sky diving, jet skiing, or travelling, I am half asleep, emotionally dead.
Two things: in very negative incidents (here life threatening), obviously you feel very lively and alert. You’re fighting for your life. Speaking about it reactivates it. However it’s also possible to have the reverse and dissociate when exposed to similar, not identical conditions. It varies from person to person and to situation to situation.

So when you’re talking about it, actually you’re probably trying to share something. But trough facts. I have a bit of that too. It’s very difficult for me to talk about anything positive regarding myself. That’s why I ask questions or get on topics. Or make stuff stories. I don’t have many memories that I can call without it having some kind of problem associated. All my nice memories have some cloudy background and perhaps it’s me finding it vaguely upsetting that I try to avoid them. While trauma brain makes me repeat, over and over, all the stuff that I went through. In the details but also in haze and in nothingness.

I also have GAD and talking for me more or less is sort of worrying aloud. Not all time. Not if I f*cking watch myself. But I’m this worrying machine. And this looks like rants. I used to be a very terrible ranter, until recently. I knew it so I would made the rant a funny story at least. So I could rant while still making jokes. Not about people, that, very forbidden. Just about stuff.

I think the real thing is to find the stuff that bring us joy. Feel the joy. And share it. I have dysphoria so it’s rare for me to feel it or if I feel it I feel bad just afterwards. So sharing stuff that makes me happy is actually hard to find, at least at the moment. But I’m trying to work on it so at least a have a few nice things to share, apart from weird facts and ideas. I can feel happy when I share ideas or funny stuff. I like to see people laughing at my silly jokes. At least this. So if I’m not directly calling anything specifically agreeable to share, I can at least have a good moment of shared joy/laughter by making ideas or observations fun. So I’m having the life in the present and not in a reiteration of the past. If it makes sense.

I don’t know if it helps I hope it does. If it isn’t just set it away!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yes this isn’t unusual at all. I make everything negative. I’ve been workin on it this week. I used to call it grinding like my teeth or chewing a bone. I’d get something in my head and just gnaw on it. The negativity is exhausting. It spins out onto everything else . It’s a fore runner of chronic physical pain IMO. I have that now and I think they’re connected. Nothing was ever any good. So I’d try and do things to make me feel better then I’d feel bad about that. Never could enjoy anything.

I do feel better and that condition was depression or it led to depression. It was truly a horrible state punctuated with pain management experiences that usually were less than good, drinking and drugs .

So I consciously manage as much as possible. I find I slip into chronic negativity and then i notice and start trying to counter it again. It works because I’m out of major depression. I think you have to get out of major depression first, then you can get a little control with practice and therapy so you understand why you feel bad.
 

Daoloth

New Here
I worry that I'm bragging if I discuss positive experiences, but that I'm fishing for pity if I discuss negative experiences. So, for me, I would actually say it's shame. This is probably part of the reason that I'm pretty isolated, outside of my marriage and the social aspects of my job.
 
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