Challenging Someone Else's Assertions About Me

helbredelse

New Here
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this.

I had actually joined this site about eight years ago when I was first diagnosed with PTSD under a different account. I hadn't been on in years due to a high conflict divorce and so on. I had a lot on my plate. Recently I decided to come back after being retraumatized. I made the decision to create a new account because my ex husband had created an account for himself as a supporter back then. I didn't want to risk him finding me here again because over the last eight years I realized he is not a safe person for me. Per my therapist and different marriage counselors, he is emotionally abusive to me. That is one of the reasons why I divorced him. We do have children together. Per the divorce decree, he does have time with them. It's been rough over the years but I've managed to parallel parent instead of co-parenting since he's very controlling, manipulative, and still emotionally abusive to me.

He learned of the recent event that retraumatized me. Thankfully, I don't think he realized how bad it was for me and that the stress triggered my PTSD in a really bad way. We use a parenting app to discuss things about the children when necessary. However, over the years he also uses it to attack me as a person. I have someone I trust that does intercept all of his messages for me so he doesn't trigger me. My friend told me this. My ex wrote to me that he was sorry to hear what happened and that if I need to talk, he would listen because he cares. A giant red flag went up instantly in my head. So we decided to ignore it. Unfortunately, a few days later when I was triggered and in a self destructive mode, I read some of his recent messages and he got inside my head again. It took me a few days to reframe (not sure that's the right word) what he was saying to me.

I'm paraphrasing here. He "yelled" at me for kicking him in the face because he was being nice and I ignored him. He tried to shame me for having PTSD and told me that my attorney (long story) shouldn't believe anything I say because I'm the one with PTSD, not him. He told me that what happened to me was my fault and that if I had just listened to him on what I need to do to fix myself, then it wouldn't have happened to me. That I am a horrible person and that I deserved everything that happened to me. That I'm so horrible that when the kids move out, they will never want to have anything to do with me ever again. That this is karma and I deserve it. That I always need to be right and I never take his advice (its all unsolicited). That I use the kids as pawns. That I always play the victim and refuse to take any responsibility for anything. That I will end up alone and miserable because I brought it all on myself. He also throws in things like he's glad I'm in therapy but to make sure I tell them that I lied about my entire life. That I was never abused by anyone. And he says he's telling me all of this because he "cares" and it's "tough love".

A friend of mine had to help show me that none of that is caring or "tough love". There is nothing in there that shows compassion or care for someone. That he's likely projecting his own insecurities onto me and making himself feel better by kicking me when I'm down. That I should most definitely not listen to him. That I know myself better than anyone. That it's up to me to determine what I need to work on for my own healing, not him or anyone else except maybe my therapist.

I'm working on journaling and challenging his assertions about me. Does anyone have any ideas how I can work on this as well? I've been trying to take a good look at myself and trying to ask myself if any of those things are honestly true about me. I know I'm not perfect and that is okay. I know what happened to me happened. That he's likely trying to rewrite my own history and gaslight me. It really makes my head spin at times. Any ideas are much appreciated.

I also caught myself looking up his posts from years ago as a supporter. Back then he portrayed himself as a loving, caring husband supporting his wife. Behind closed doors, it was completely different. It felt like he used what he learned as ammo against me and why I was a horrible person and that I would always be broken unless I did what he told me to do. That he knew me better than I knew myself. So I've been trying to tell myself that reading those old posts does not serve any good purpose. That it won't help me now and the last thing I want to do is trigger myself again.

Thank you for reading all of this.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Be very, very careful. Get an excellent therapist who knows about abuse. This shit is not for the faint of heart.

Oh, and never walk towards a predator when you are feeling vulnerable. They will go right for the jugular.
 

helbredelse

New Here
Be very, very careful. Get an excellent therapist who knows about abuse. This shit is not for the faint of heart.

Oh, and never walk towards a predator when you are feeling vulnerable. They will go right for the jugular.
Thank you. Yes, my trauma therapist knows all about the abuse and has been helping me with this over the years. I also have been working hard to not respond to anything he writes that isn't about the kids. Sometimes I slip up but for the most part I can catch myself.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I would put your ex's old account on ignore. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of looking at his messages on here. If you're tempted, can you find something to distract yourself?

Sounds like you have lots of good tools to help interaction with him: a good solid friend to intercept the messages. What a great plan. And what great relationships you have fostered to have that support. All really healthy of you and for you.

His messages are his. Press ignore in life too, aswell as on this site.
My T often asks why I put other people's (abusers) values before my own? And why do I believe their narrative rather than mine? Just remember you know you and you know what you experienced. No one else's opinion matters.
 

helbredelse

New Here
I would put your ex's old account on ignore. Don't fall down that rabbit hole of looking at his messages on here. If you're tempted, can you find something to distract yourself?

Sounds like you have lots of good tools to help interaction with him: a good solid friend to intercept the messages. What a great plan. And what great relationships you have fostered to have that support. All really healthy of you and for you.

His messages are his. Press ignore in life too, aswell as on this site.
My T often asks why I put other people's (abusers) values before my own? And why do I believe their narrative rather than mine? Just remember you know you and you know what you experienced. No one else's opinion matters.
Thank you!
 

FlyingDove

Learning
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this.

I had actually joined this site about eight years ago when I was first diagnosed with PTSD under a different account. I hadn't been on in years due to a high conflict divorce and so on. I had a lot on my plate. Recently I decided to come back after being retraumatized. I made the decision to create a new account because my ex husband had created an account for himself as a supporter back then. I didn't want to risk him finding me here again because over the last eight years I realized he is not a safe person for me. Per my therapist and different marriage counselors, he is emotionally abusive to me. That is one of the reasons why I divorced him. We do have children together. Per the divorce decree, he does have time with them. It's been rough over the years but I've managed to parallel parent instead of co-parenting since he's very controlling, manipulative, and still emotionally abusive to me.

He learned of the recent event that retraumatized me. Thankfully, I don't think he realized how bad it was for me and that the stress triggered my PTSD in a really bad way. We use a parenting app to discuss things about the children when necessary. However, over the years he also uses it to attack me as a person. I have someone I trust that does intercept all of his messages for me so he doesn't trigger me. My friend told me this. My ex wrote to me that he was sorry to hear what happened and that if I need to talk, he would listen because he cares. A giant red flag went up instantly in my head. So we decided to ignore it. Unfortunately, a few days later when I was triggered and in a self destructive mode, I read some of his recent messages and he got inside my head again. It took me a few days to reframe (not sure that's the right word) what he was saying to me.

I'm paraphrasing here. He "yelled" at me for kicking him in the face because he was being nice and I ignored him. He tried to shame me for having PTSD and told me that my attorney (long story) shouldn't believe anything I say because I'm the one with PTSD, not him. He told me that what happened to me was my fault and that if I had just listened to him on what I need to do to fix myself, then it wouldn't have happened to me. That I am a horrible person and that I deserved everything that happened to me. That I'm so horrible that when the kids move out, they will never want to have anything to do with me ever again. That this is karma and I deserve it. That I always need to be right and I never take his advice (its all unsolicited). That I use the kids as pawns. That I always play the victim and refuse to take any responsibility for anything. That I will end up alone and miserable because I brought it all on myself. He also throws in things like he's glad I'm in therapy but to make sure I tell them that I lied about my entire life. That I was never abused by anyone. And he says he's telling me all of this because he "cares" and it's "tough love".

A friend of mine had to help show me that none of that is caring or "tough love". There is nothing in there that shows compassion or care for someone. That he's likely projecting his own insecurities onto me and making himself feel better by kicking me when I'm down. That I should most definitely not listen to him. That I know myself better than anyone. That it's up to me to determine what I need to work on for my own healing, not him or anyone else except maybe my therapist.

I'm working on journaling and challenging his assertions about me. Does anyone have any ideas how I can work on this as well? I've been trying to take a good look at myself and trying to ask myself if any of those things are honestly true about me. I know I'm not perfect and that is okay. I know what happened to me happened. That he's likely trying to rewrite my own history and gaslight me. It really makes my head spin at times. Any ideas are much appreciated.

I also caught myself looking up his posts from years ago as a supporter. Back then he portrayed himself as a loving, caring husband supporting his wife. Behind closed doors, it was completely different. It felt like he used what he learned as ammo against me and why I was a horrible person and that I would always be broken unless I did what he told me to do. That he knew me better than I knew myself. So I've been trying to tell myself that reading those old posts does not serve any good purpose. That it won't help me now and the last thing I want to do is trigger myself again.

Thank you for reading all of this.
We are not defined by our abusers words etc. No one deserves what they get , being told it is all your fault etc. I do not define myself by abusive words of my past abusers. Be safe and continue your healing. Toxic people are very good at manipulating. Advice from my domestic abuse treatment- stay in your own yard. Tough boundaries. These individuals self destruct one way or another. I get out of the way and let them do it.
 

Friday

Moderator
Whom anyone else believes you to be, and who you are? Are two totally different people. Sometimes that’s for be better, and we want to be better; sometimes that’s for the worse & we either need the self confidence to blow them off, or friends who remind us of who they believe us to be.
 
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