Change in Identity During Depersonalization

Renaissance

New Here
During the height of my PTSD symptoms, I would experience profound depersonalization. During these times, it seemed like my eyes would take on a distinct look. They would be kind of still, and wide open, when I looked in the mirror.

During these episodes, something very strange would happen. I would have alterations in what I call my identity. When I say identity, I mean how I see myself.

I would retain my same name. During these times, I am not a person other than me. However, I would sense myself as evil in some grand way, and also powerful. I would not have delusions or anything like that. I never perceived myself as having any sort of supernatural or paranormal abilities. I just saw myself as capable of causing great harm to others.

I was sending the news media messages during the general time period that I was having these symptoms, wanting them to publish my story. I remember one occasion where I had a depersonalization episode, and I told the media about a person who had offended me, and that this person would have a special experience of hell, and that this person would know a secret about me that others do not know.

During these episodes of depersonalization, I will realize that I am depersonalizing. I will recall previous episodes, and I will recall how previous episodes caused me to think in ways that are “dark.”

During an active episode, I will be conscious of how my thoughts are distorted to be dark when I have episodes, but I will have trouble understanding if my current thoughts are distorted or if they are genuine feelings that I have. It will be after the episode is over that I am able to tell that my thoughts during the episode are not my normal, genuine thoughts.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, solely from PTSD? I cannot find a thing about this on google. To me it is suggestive of a profound traumatic stress brain injury. It is so bizarre and it seems to be almost an anomaly.

If not from PTSD, what caused this for you? I know for a fact that it is my PTSD, but any other experiences might give a hint as to what drives this in my specific case.

Also, this thing that my eyes do, is this normal and/or documented to occur during depersonalization, at least some of the time? It may just be that I’m looking in the mirror in some funny way, and that is what causes my eyes to look different.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I have an ongoing belief from my trauma that my mere presence can make good men want to do bad things.

Psychiatrically? That's me being borderline delusional, and totally consistent with my complex ptsd diagnosis, and damaged self concept from my trauma.

I have DID. I experience periods of derealisation. They're a separate thing altogether for me.
 

Renaissance

New Here
I have an ongoing belief from my trauma that my mere presence can make good men want to do bad things.

Psychiatrically? That's me being borderline delusional, and totally consistent with my complex ptsd diagnosis, and damaged self concept from my trauma.

I have DID. I experience periods of derealisation. They're a separate thing altogether for me.
Interesting. I’m not extremely versed in DID. In that condition, when your identity shifts, you also sense yourself to be someone different, correct? Meaning you have a different name, may be a different age, etc.
 

internal

Sponsor
i have different "parts" of my self which are not destint enough to have different names or persenaleties but that which they have different types of functions that they do.

for example that i have parts that can do different things that i am not able to do. like be very calm in a crisis and commit certan actions and be a leader and be comforting and be manipuleteve or sexy or what ever.

some of them are very evil. some of them have no purpose or they were just made to entertain me (like different creatures and odds and ends. there's different environments. where all these different things live and there are monsters and things in there.)

and some of them i think are children. but they look like creatures. not humans.

i have not had an incedence of being within a part other than what i am normelly like for a long time (although i have read through my diary on this site a few times. and seen it happen: i did not have the conscious experience of experiencing it that way.

it seemed like i was being me.)

i think this is more likely a common thing with trama that occurs with the childhood the earlier you are. but depersenlization is a symptom of other disorders than ptsd-and also is a symptom of ptsd.

and as an adult with that changes in your world view and identety and what not to the degree of which that difigant which would be in line with ptsd. from what you describe it would seem to be releted to ptsd.

there is also osdd-4 which is a transient state of dp/dr and dissoceation caused by a recent stressor.

for me this seems more like some thing that i made up to help my self cope and it does not really interfere with my life so i have never saught any type of treatment for it. my therepist has seen it happen a few times and has floated osdd-2 to me (which is consistent with my history).

but i don't really see the purpose in that yet. maybe that will come with time or maybe i am simply unaware of how it is effecting my life. i am also not very convinced that this is seperete to the bpd shit that i've got going on

(i've done a little reading on it and the "distressing changes to identety" and what not are pretty much also consistent with bpd. the really fascinating fact here is that before we knew what bpd was

it was actually considered a type of "multiple personality disorder" [now dissocative iddentety disorder] because of how we tend to just "pick up" and "drop" identeties so frequently without a stable sense of our self combined with the dissociation.

this has turned out to be false in that they are discrete. but i do think that they are more related than the "myth" narretive lets on. and i think the comorbidity for bpd and did is like over 11% which is-significent as hell.

but, uh, that's less relevent. and i'm sitting here-bored-so have some articles.)

i often look in the mirror and don't know what i am looking at. or i think i look different to what i am. your eyes aren't looking different-you are just dissociating and your abilety of processing the information you are seeing visually is not accurate.

dissociation is essenteally a breakdown of your brain's ability to understan what is happening so it can show up in basically any way. there is no pattern of what dissoceation is. sometimes i hear and see things that aren't there.

sometimes i feel like a different person. sometimes i forget what is happening or i don't understand what is happening. one time i walked into a wall and knocked my self out like a sims character.

or i forget what i'm doing (i'll drop a cup because my hand suddenly forgets what to do) in the middle of doing it, what i'm saying in the middle of saying it, appointments, commitments or obligations. if i don't have my list they don't get f*cking done.

and some times it's mild and i am just zoning out. some times it's severe and i can't "snap" my self back in and i sit there like a catatonic. it's totally variable. or things look brighter or shiny or like a cartoon or they look dull or what ever.

it can be pretty much any thing i have a lot of crazy f*cking experiences, becase my brain doesn't work right and it's not processing the information around me correctly. so what you hear is just going to be one person's experience.
 
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Friday

Moderator
Has anyone experienced anything like this, solely from PTSD?
To go all sciency & shit 😉

- Dissociative reactions (flashbacks, DPDR, emotional distancing/numbing, etc.);
- Intense or prolonged psychological distress (dealing with triggers/stressors);
- negative alterations in cognition or mood (how you think & feel); persistent &/or exaggerated beliefs about one’s self, others, the world (cognitive distortions & core beliefs);
- angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects (lashing out & emotional dysreg),
- feeling estranged from others?

Cha. I’d say that would be most of us.

Since that’s just ticking off components of criterion B, D, & E.

I cannot find a thing about this on google. To me it is suggestive of a profound traumatic stress brain injury. It is so bizarre and it seems to be almost an anomaly.
Sounds more like you’re having a keyword search problem, as what you describe? Rather than being an anomaly...

- fall under 3 criterion in the diagnosis itself, and the Dx is just the tip of the iceberg with PTSD. A few paragraphs compared to a 700p book

- Are some of the most common gripes supporters have with their sufferers when they’re having an episode or bad day. ( especially the hot&cold affect & lashing out …as they switch from reasonable, thoughtful, caring, generally lovely people into totally irrational, cold and distant, rage machines or worse) <<< The supporter hotlist is awesome, as rather than breaking down events into component pieces/symptoms, they’re looking at the über common expressions of multiple symptoms each playing off of each other.

Just means learning the terminology, is all, if you want relevant Google results.

A good place to start would be (below) Esp as Anthony breaks down each component into plain English. Language is pretty durn useless without agreed upon definitions, but the jargon has a pretty steep learning curve.
 
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ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah I relate to snapping to a sort of more efficient version of myself. Like past a certain stress, things become flat, bright clear, easy, and there is a lot of change in physical capacities too. But I don't feel like it's stressed. Or I can remain blanked out in outer space and people did tell me I had such a scary look, like dead. It doesn't happen very often. Other times I just semi consciously create a pawn of myself and it's supposed to do something else I'm not currently able to do, it feels more like another type of register of myself than something that doesn't feel like myself. On very restricted conditions I can happen to have stereotypical meltdown aggressive scared behaviours I have very little control on, and that's also an emotional flashback.
 
H

Heidel

During the height of my PTSD symptoms, I would experience profound depersonalization. During these times, it seemed like my eyes would take on a distinct look. They would be kind of still, and wide open, when I looked in the mirror.

During these episodes, something very strange would happen. I would have alterations in what I call my identity. When I say identity, I mean how I see myself.

I would retain my same name. During these times, I am not a person other than me. However, I would sense myself as evil in some grand way, and also powerful. I would not have delusions or anything like that. I never perceived myself as having any sort of supernatural or paranormal abilities. I just saw myself as capable of causing great harm to others.

I was sending the news media messages during the general time period that I was having these symptoms, wanting them to publish my story. I remember one occasion where I had a depersonalization episode, and I told the media about a person who had offended me, and that this person would have a special experience of hell, and that this person would know a secret about me that others do not know.

During these episodes of depersonalization, I will realize that I am depersonalizing. I will recall previous episodes, and I will recall how previous episodes caused me to think in ways that are “dark.”

During an active episode, I will be conscious of how my thoughts are distorted to be dark when I have episodes, but I will have trouble understanding if my current thoughts are distorted or if they are genuine feelings that I have. It will be after the episode is over that I am able to tell that my thoughts during the episode are not my normal, genuine thoughts.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, solely from PTSD? I cannot find a thing about this on google. To me it is suggestive of a profound traumatic stress brain injury. It is so bizarre and it seems to be almost an anomaly.

If not from PTSD, what caused this for you? I know for a fact that it is my PTSD, but any other experiences might give a hint as to what drives this in my specific case.

Also, this thing that my eyes do, is this normal and/or documented to occur during depersonalization, at least some of the time? It may just be that I’m looking in the mirror in some funny way, and that is what causes my eyes to look different.
This is exactly my experience. I have only recently started therapy after being hospitalized. The similarities- PTSD from profound and prolonged work stress, major childhood trauma related to violence, then combining the two with a visit from my violent relatives at my work site (first time I interacted with relatives in years). Within a week, I had what I call a split from reality. I was conscious the whole time, but incapable of deescalating a mundane argument with my husband and then a few hours later with a friend. Shortly after the second argument, I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the face. I was wide eyed, frantic, Not Me. I was so frightened by this face, I got in the car and drove to the hospital. In retrospect I now see the stress leading up to this “breakdown “. But now, weeks after, I am honestly scared of that person, whom ever she is, and never want to see her again. I have never heard of depersonalization.
 
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