So, there have been changes at my work that have taken away all of the things that made me feel safe. Work itself can be very triggering for me, but I lucked into a really safe situation there because I was sat in a corner with my back against the wall and with a group of people that were warm and inviting and safe. One in particular has made a tremendous difference for me and doesn't even realize it. So, strong social bonds were I felt included and connected along with personal safety in my space.
But then I got moved to a different team and my social support network is gone. My heart rate used to actually go down when I got to work because of who I sat with. I can't overstate how important it was for me to have connections and warmth with people I had things in common with who were friendly. Now I sit with people who are 20 years younger than me that I have nothing in common with who don't say hello, the mood and the space is literally dark, plus I sit where people are constantly walking behind me. (Even weirder, the floors vibrate when people walk around and it's jarring because I feel like I'm going to fall through the floor constantly.)
Yesterday was my first day on this new team. I made silly mistakes that made me feel humiliated (a trigger) because I was dissociating. Last night the nightmares started almost immediately and it was hours of struggling to tamp down the terror. Today I've called out because I just could not do it. Work itself is a trigger and it's been a years' long struggle to get to this point and now all my safety is gone. Especially my one friend who was so intuitively good and made me feel like I was a human being and seen. I've lost so much and now I've lost my friends.
But then I got moved to a different team and my social support network is gone. My heart rate used to actually go down when I got to work because of who I sat with. I can't overstate how important it was for me to have connections and warmth with people I had things in common with who were friendly. Now I sit with people who are 20 years younger than me that I have nothing in common with who don't say hello, the mood and the space is literally dark, plus I sit where people are constantly walking behind me. (Even weirder, the floors vibrate when people walk around and it's jarring because I feel like I'm going to fall through the floor constantly.)
Yesterday was my first day on this new team. I made silly mistakes that made me feel humiliated (a trigger) because I was dissociating. Last night the nightmares started almost immediately and it was hours of struggling to tamp down the terror. Today I've called out because I just could not do it. Work itself is a trigger and it's been a years' long struggle to get to this point and now all my safety is gone. Especially my one friend who was so intuitively good and made me feel like I was a human being and seen. I've lost so much and now I've lost my friends.