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Changing job or pause between jobs leading to a funk/depression/anxiety...

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I know I am a lot better than before. But nevertheless I need to manage who I am now.

Here is the brutal truth, because I believe this is the only way to change ... anything
For the first 3 years of my PTSD I barely worked. With ups and downs, ever since, my income has been 90% from one client. Hence if she was around enough it would be some stable times and when she wasn't I'd burn through my savings or fall in despair. I know exactly how I got there, and I'll journal later about it. The point now is this.
Ever since September I feel the world has been ripping me to shreds with one issue after another. I'd do things to manage it, side projects, pawning stuff, selling stuff, getting loans. Eventually I'd get paid and it would be amazing pay so I would pay off all the loans and everything and then again. My last pay was 3 weeks ago, and I'm seeing the same pattern.

I have a lot of plans too.
I have education, no savings, but plenty skills. I have plans for finding online work to support me right now, and online shop (did 2ce for a bit when I wasn't healthy enough and still worked somewhat for that time). I have plans for searching for a new job. For 2 weeks (10 days) I had to travel and do some family stuff.
Once home I thought I'd get right down to it. So much I need to do. To find new clients and work on my shop.
But I find myself in quite a funk, slipping so easily into old habits. I'm terrified, depressed and no routine and bad sleep isn't helping either. I make plans for changing stuff, but when one thing goes wrong, I get completely set off.

I know in any of what I said there is no certainty.
So I know there will be bumps in the road, so why am I counting days and hours as if I'm back there again, as if my life and safety depends on how fast I can make money and run like hell? Why do I turn my apartment into a mess in 2 seconds and can't take care of myself?

Most importantly, how do I manage this? I need hope that's more consistent than 'tomorrow I'll do better'. I need to be better yesterday. I need hope so much it crushing my logical thinking. Like my priority becomes 'something that will get me through today'(hopeful thing or action), AND then and only then errands, responsibilities and all else...

I feel so LOST.
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