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Chicken 1, warrior 0.

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Limbic brain wins again.
I wanted to try something to break me out of isolation, to work on maybe trusting humans that “get it”. Socialize with those who’ve been there, done that, walked the path in darkness, but have found each other for support. This forum does that, but it’s wonderfully anonymous and I love that. I thought I’d try to accept that I am how I am, broken, wounded, incomplete. And that maybe it would be ok to be around other humans that see themselves the same way.

I couldn’t walk in the room. I lost my words and tried to convince myself that they’d come back if I tried hard enough, I’m weak, unwilling to be vulnerable or even moderately express myself to strangers and yet people have called me courageous? How the f*ck could they come to that conclusion?
If they knew I couldn’t even walk in a room of people that want to support, they wouldn’t call me courageous.
I am not searching for pity by writing this, I would say I’m venting my own self disgust in an effort to shame myself into trying harder. Write it out here and others will know you’re a chicken, just like you know every day. Write it out and maybe you’ll think twice about being a chicken....warrior chicken.
I just hope one day I forget I’m a chicken. But not today.
 
Aw @Warrior Chicken , I do 'get it', but I don't see it that way through my eyes. It's courageous to even choose or want to go. And make it to the building.. You will, when the time is right, and so it wasn't this minute, so what? That may have turned out that way and be meant to be for a reason you don't even know. I do believe things happen for a reason. One thing I do know, is, you will.

I'm not saying that to try to make you feel better, btw, but because it's the truth. And it is most courageous to know someone has your back when the chips are down. So Warrior is appropriate. What the others would think? JMHO, but for many or most- 'I remember when I finally made it here, and what would the others think of me if they knew? I'm still afraid", I think is a distinct possibility. But then, after a while, you become friends, too.

I hope you will not be so hard on yourself. But I understand.
 
I get it. I attend a support group for mental health. It went like this over what, two years now? My first goal was to leave the house, get to the building. I don’t drive, but I trust my friend and he supports each goal or step. So I get to the building, enjoy the grounds, can’t go in. I keep going though. I feel like an idiot in my own head every week, but the group goes by way of no judgement so they are cool with this. I finally go in and I listen from the hall. Eventually I make it in the room and wind up listening from the bathroom hall. I make it in the room but leave frequently. Finally I stay in the room at the far wall. I listen. I occasionally make it to the table and briefly sit but if I feel like anyone is looking at me I leave the table. They pass a rock to show who the speaker is. I’ve been given the rock if I was at the table and sat and stared at it and tried to speak only to give it back. Then I did speak one week and not again for weeks and reverted back to the washroom listening. I’m not in the hall as much, I’ve come to the table, I have spoken. It took two years. I move around a lot at the back of the room, I’m adept at leaving with no one noticing, sometimes I rock if I can’t settle down and I have something in my hand always that is like a fidget item. People say hi and I say nothing. Some weeks I went home berated myself severely for being so weird or stupid or whatever came to mind. But in the end if I have not given up in two years and they all have not given up then we all have courage. The group has the courage to suffer silently with me, no pressure no judgement. A leader from the group has helped, as I have messaged him and he knows the door scares me. He has agreed to watch the door and he has agreed to pull a chair away from the table so that I can target that chair as the one to get to if I’m trying to join them. He is the only one who can pass me the rock. Now warrior or chicken?
 
How the f*ck could they come to that conclusion?
Because they see what you don't. I wonder if you could consider that for just a moment. Then let it go if you hate the feeling?

I am with @Teamwork. Almost the exact story. It takes time. It takes discomfort. It feels nuts. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why everyone in the room didn't call me a freak and laugh at how stupid I was being. It taught me a lot about feeling how it feels to push the envelope just enough -- not too much. Then retreat and try it again when I felt strong enough. A lot of little victories (and big ones) that I refused to see. If I refused to see the victories I didn't have to hang my hat on hope anymore.
 
Thank you @Junebug , @Teamwork , @shimmerz your words and own experiences show me that it's ok what happened. That I just pick myself up, dust off, and go back to try again. If I can't make it into the room next time, that's ok....just push the envelope. As for the being hard on myself bit, that's still gonna happen....I'm seeing that it takes a long time to unlearn that part and sometimes it's impossible to take a step back when your facing your own demons - never back down, don't give up ground as they say....or your enemy will get the upper hand.

But I think with this enemy (PTSD), you're supposed to step back and tell it to stay where it is or else you turn into the thing you're fighting.

I don't know if that makes any sense lol
 
If I can't make it into the room next time, that's ok....just push the envelope.
It is this type of thinking that is keeping my sanity at this point. Rather than focusing on what a freak I was for not being able to be in the room, it turns out that healing, for me, was noticing the small victories. That is why being a community of people who face the same issues is so incredibly helpful.

My 'normal' friends? 'Just do the mind over matter thing and sit in the freaking room!'
My new community? 'OMG! You did WHAT? OMG! Do you realize how BIG that is?'

I was hanging out with the wrong folks.
 
Yes the winning of the goal set is the victory, not what everyone else in the room is doing or seeing. For them sitting around a table listening is a piece of cake. Talking is easy for most. For me the goal to leave the house was always the first victory, so if a car ride to another location was all I did it was a huge success and I was the one that had to be good with it since typically I’m the only one that knows what I’m trying to achieve. Oddly the times I’m most upset with myself is when I make it in the room, cross it to the far door and stand in the hall or cross the room go in the washroom don’t come out until someone comes in then yep high tail it out of there. When I scold myself or cheapen the victory with a well you could of done better then I’m for sure forgetting that to get in the room is a huge win, gold medal standing!
 
people have called me courageous? How the f*ck could they come to that conclusion?
Because "courage" isn't the absence of fear? I have a coffee cup that some friend's gave me. It supposedly quotes John Wayne. Whether or not that's accurate, it's a great quote. It says "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." YOU can DO that, and you do it all the time.
 
I liken it to bravery beads. The kids who have cancer get one for every procedure they go through doesnt matter the size of the procedure. So if you actually gave yourself a bead for every action or procedure you take towards recovery, I bet you would be able to see your courage!
 
So, buck up chicken....it’s time to walk into a room full of strangers and try this whole connection, support Mumbo jumbo again. Couple days away from doing the dreaded non-isolation piece and trusting others with my thoughts and reactions.
It might be easier if it was just me, but I’m doing this for my SO and with him. That means sharing things I am very reluctant to share, but I don’t want my SO to feel as though he’s in the dark forever. He sees things in me that I try to protect him from, and deserves better always. That’s why i’ll try my best.

But Chicken is scared. Chicken doesn’t like being vulnerable.

If you’ve walked this path to create a stronger bond with your partner or spouse, I’d like to hear your thoughts.....

If you have supported your sufferer to be braver with this stuff, I’d like to hear what resonates with you....

Thanks.
 
The before? I took it as the more I let them in on me / get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, the better we can work as a team, improve on things, have each other’s backs in the blind spots and altogether kick ass better. Turns out it wasn’t really true, nor protecting them or others, but you will probably have success stories so don’t mind my grump. (wink)

Current relations, I isolate, hard. But the partner is a social butterfly who looves communicating things out and hearing what people got to say and what they do in life and being let known they are surviving in a rather regular fashion, along with lil details they are working on (I had no idea fixing buttons can be this exciting an improvement)... so letting them in is letting them be good at what they are stellar at, supporting people.

So I think it is a lot about what situations you are dealing with presently, and their personality / combined strengths and weaknesses, than just momentary progress, much less the past.
 
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