So about 33 years ago, when I was 9 / 10 I had a close friendship with a boy around the same age (no more than a year older)... we spent alot of time together... including many sleep overs...he told me he had something really amazing to show and do with me ...I don't remember if he told me it was sexual in nature... or where he'd seen it himself...I knew enough to know I wasn't sure and I didn't think I should... but he continued to try to convince me to go along with it... so eventually I let him... it went on for quite a time...I would guess minimum months... maximum over a year, on a regular basis...
I learnt how to orgasm... how to be stimulated in a manner of different ways... although I don't think he could have penetrated me in any adult way with his own private parts, he certainly got me to do a number of sexual acts and penetration was involved...(without knowing I know he must have been acting abuse or things he'd seen himself)
He told me I was so beautiful and I remember feeling like I was being looked after...I felt wanted and I felt loved and, ironically, protected by him...
But I was at that age where I was becoming increasingly aware of the secrecy and a feeling of shame guilt and fear that we'd be found out... I started telling him I thought we should stop but he didn't think so... I remember him coming across as desperate to continue... it was almost like what we were doing was a drug for him...a need... that i should be forfilling... feeding...and I increasingly felt objectified... not that I knew that at the time- it just felt wrong...
I was petrified of becoming pregnant. I didn't really know how everything worked but I made a pact with God - if God made sure I don't get pregnant I'd forfeit ever being able to have any children later on....
I then realised I had to make it stop. And when I did I was met with anger. Frustration. That I was doing wrong by taking this relationship away from him - the sexual contact away from him. He threatened to tell my brother and in fact he did (by tricking me allowing my brother to hear our convo on the phone when I didn't know he was listening).
It's taken alot of therapy. Alot of incredibly dark moments in my life. Alot of self harm. A split sense of self and a life time of hidden shame has ruined alot of what my life could have been.
I spent most of my life denying my experience as abuse because he was a child too and the same age as me. That it wasn't violent. That there was no physical coercion. But all these facts just added to the difficulty in accepting my experience as being not just traumatic but life changing.... damaging...
For anyone wondering whether their experience is child on child sa... please know that age, whether there was coercion or not whether there was violence or not doesn't change how damaging or serious your experience was... think of it like this. We all have boundaries - physical / spiritual/ emotional / sexual / psychological boundaries... if they are violated in any way, it's irrelevant who has violated them (in terms of deciding whether it's trauma or not)... when boundaries are crossed they are crossed... I don't think there was intent to hurt. But I still got very damaged from this experience.
What I want to know is, is there any forum for child on child sa survivors out there? I would love to discuss where people think healing can go when the person who abused you maybe didn't understand themselves the damage they were doing...or didn't intend to hurt... and have diminished responsibility because they were a child. How can I be angry at this person - I think they were just sharing the load of what was most likely happening to them and trying to understand it themselves... I have no one to blame or be angry at. Is blame necessary for healing?
I learnt how to orgasm... how to be stimulated in a manner of different ways... although I don't think he could have penetrated me in any adult way with his own private parts, he certainly got me to do a number of sexual acts and penetration was involved...(without knowing I know he must have been acting abuse or things he'd seen himself)
He told me I was so beautiful and I remember feeling like I was being looked after...I felt wanted and I felt loved and, ironically, protected by him...
But I was at that age where I was becoming increasingly aware of the secrecy and a feeling of shame guilt and fear that we'd be found out... I started telling him I thought we should stop but he didn't think so... I remember him coming across as desperate to continue... it was almost like what we were doing was a drug for him...a need... that i should be forfilling... feeding...and I increasingly felt objectified... not that I knew that at the time- it just felt wrong...
I was petrified of becoming pregnant. I didn't really know how everything worked but I made a pact with God - if God made sure I don't get pregnant I'd forfeit ever being able to have any children later on....
I then realised I had to make it stop. And when I did I was met with anger. Frustration. That I was doing wrong by taking this relationship away from him - the sexual contact away from him. He threatened to tell my brother and in fact he did (by tricking me allowing my brother to hear our convo on the phone when I didn't know he was listening).
It's taken alot of therapy. Alot of incredibly dark moments in my life. Alot of self harm. A split sense of self and a life time of hidden shame has ruined alot of what my life could have been.
I spent most of my life denying my experience as abuse because he was a child too and the same age as me. That it wasn't violent. That there was no physical coercion. But all these facts just added to the difficulty in accepting my experience as being not just traumatic but life changing.... damaging...
For anyone wondering whether their experience is child on child sa... please know that age, whether there was coercion or not whether there was violence or not doesn't change how damaging or serious your experience was... think of it like this. We all have boundaries - physical / spiritual/ emotional / sexual / psychological boundaries... if they are violated in any way, it's irrelevant who has violated them (in terms of deciding whether it's trauma or not)... when boundaries are crossed they are crossed... I don't think there was intent to hurt. But I still got very damaged from this experience.
What I want to know is, is there any forum for child on child sa survivors out there? I would love to discuss where people think healing can go when the person who abused you maybe didn't understand themselves the damage they were doing...or didn't intend to hurt... and have diminished responsibility because they were a child. How can I be angry at this person - I think they were just sharing the load of what was most likely happening to them and trying to understand it themselves... I have no one to blame or be angry at. Is blame necessary for healing?
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