Childhood childhood sexual abuse, narcissistic abusive mother

Petagay28

New Here
Hi,

I'm not sure how this works. But I guess it's nice to have anyone to talk to about this. Outside of my therapist.

I am now 32 years old. When I was 12, just entering 7th grade, a neighbor coerced me into his home at night and touched me in places. He also coerced me into performing oral sex on him and made comments on how under developed I was. I confessed to one of my old school friends how it made me feel. He said that our age difference wasn't that great, so it wasn't a problem. I had just left 6th grade a few months prior; I turned 12 in May and this occurred in the beginning of the school year. I didn't begin puberty until I turned 13 the following year. I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy (he never kissed me btw, he only touched me, and it wasn't to arouse me).

The neighbor was 16 and a sophomore in high school. He was around 5'10 and 180 lbs and fully mature. His younger brother in my grade spied on us and told everyone at school. So starting from age 12 for the rest of my school years and after high school, I was called derogatory names behind my back and had a tainted reputation. I was generally liked, but people still said pretty awful things behind my back and there were a lot of rumors. (my school district was zoned so I was never able to escape the same group of students). I attempted suicide when I was 17.

Until recently, I thought it had only been maybe twice, but now I realize it was countless times.

I knew nothing about sex, touching, kissing, I never spoke about sexuality with my friends or displayed sexual behavior. I was a pretty innocent 12 year old. I had crushes and a "boyfriend" I only spoke to on the phone over the summer.

Now in my adulthood, I have suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts, I have an autoimmune disease, I constantly move away to get away from my old city. I went through destructive behavior. It wasn't law breaking or anything, but I would drop in and out of college, withdraw from classes just move somewhere else etc). I have a tendency to avoid people and distance myself from social situations.

After an event at the house of my ex-boyfriend who was narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive, I was humiliated by him and another girl.

It happened 6 months ago, but I still cry about the shame and humiliation. I have no friends, I don't go out and I have nobody I can really talk to without feeling judged. I can not get over the event 6 months ago no hard I try.

I feel like I hate who I am and I can't live with myself because what happened when I was 12 seemed to have a larger effect on my psyche that I realized. I can't change the past but I can't handle not being able to. I can't go back and excel at school or have had a better childhood or adolescent experience and can't change what happened with my ex boyfriend bc if we had resolved things it would've made me feel better. But why does it hurt so bad? Why am I so depressed although I'm on medication and going through therapy etc. I still experience suicide ideation and I struggle a lot.

Was my friend right? Was 12 mature enough to make that decision?

Is my friend right? Was this okay?


I know this is long, but I don't really know what else to do
 

flowerapple

Confident
In my opinion, I think your friend was right. I think 12 isn't near close to being mature enough to be making those kinds of decisions. When I was 12, I also had something similar begin happening, and as much as I try to minimize its impact on my life (which isn't helpful), I know deep down that has really affected me and damaged my outlook both on myself and on life. You shouldn't have been put in that situation, and I'm sorry that you were and that you went through that.

As for the legal aspect, you said that you were 12 and the neighbour was 16, which would also make it criminal depending on where you live. I found this website online which has some info on the law for this. It applies to the US though, so if you don't live in the US you can look for the law for where your country.

Statutory Rape: The Age of Consent

Hope that helps.
 

Petagay28

New Here
In my opinion, I think your friend was right. I think 12 isn't near close to being mature enough to be making those kinds of decisions. When I was 12, I also had something similar begin happening, and as much as I try to minimize its impact on my life (which isn't helpful), I know deep down that has really affected me and damaged my outlook both on myself and on life. You shouldn't have been put in that situation, and I'm sorry that you were and that you went through that.

As for the legal aspect, you said that you were 12 and the neighbor was 16, which would also make it criminal depending on where you live. I found this website online which has some info on the law for this. It applies to the US though, so if you don't live in the US you can look for the law for where your country.

Statutory Rape: The Age of Consent

Hope that helps.


It's kind of hard to wrap my head around. It wasn't a situation where we started kissing and this lead to that place. It was more along the lines of, "Ok. Lay here, take of your pants." Then he touched me and said, "Wow, you don't even have any hair down here yet and look at my vagina. He said he wouldn't kiss me because I didn't have any hair or breasts yet. He asked if I started wearing a training bra yet." And then proceeded to instruct me on what to do." There was no pleasure for me in the whole scenario whatsoever.

I didn't go out there on my own, my older sister woke me up and asked me to follow her her because she had a crush on his friend. She was 14 and a freshman.

My therapist said its definitely sexual abuse and he could've gone to jail. He also said it's an abuse of power and I was a prepubescent girl and he was a mature older guy.
 

Petagay28

New Here

Thanks. Actually my friend said that I was old enough to make those decisions. Kind of made my feelings feel invalidated.
 

littleoc

Sponsor
No — not only was 12 not an age of consent, but you sure as hell weren’t consenting. That’s horrible, what you went through, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Now or ever.

I was sexually abused when I was two years to one year younger than you. I also kept going back, even when I knew what was going to happen. I hated myself for it. I still don’t understand it, honestly, but I do know that it isn’t your fault, what happened.

And even if you had been over 18, that’s still a really, really messed up situation.

Glad you’re here. Welcome :hug:
 

laverite

New Here
Hi, I totally understand the feelings of having been abused (my father sexually abused me). What was done to you was totally wrong, evil, and criminal. You are not at fault. It's normal to feel deeply wounded by these types of things. You were definitely not mature enough to choose or even want that type of sexual activity. Has your therapist not already assured you of these things?

I'm really glad you're in therapy, but I wonder if the therapist specializes in adult victims of child sexual abuse. If not, change therapists. Your therapist should not have you spending endless visits rehashing what happened, but be equipping you with coping skills for the NOW. The awful thing in your past does not need to ruin your entire life and steal your future from you!

The thing that needs to happen is healing from the inside out. Knowing that you are a valuable, precious person. Accepting your past and slaying that beast so it doesn't keep you in bondage forever. You CAN know freedom from this and be released from daily torment.

I will simply tell you my story of healing. First of all, I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I tried to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs and promiscuous sexual activity (not because I enjoyed sex, but because I saw myself as "ruined" and therefore only good for being used). That resulted in me becoming severely depressed, full of rage, I hated myself, and I thought about suicide. So I started going to therapists. They only seemed to want me to blame my mom, punch pillows as if it was her face, scream and cry, etc. None of this was helpful; it wasn't healing me. It felt good to let the rage out, but it didn't GET RID OF the rage.

It's too long of a story to tell all that led up to it, but ultimately I ended up coming into a relationship with God. Once I understood how much He loves me, how He wanted to heal me, how He suffered with me, I loved Him and wanted to follow Him. He opened the way to me finding a great church that had a sexual healing support group, led by a therapist who had herself been sexually abused. It was a small group of 5 women, and for a period of 1 year, we worked through a book called The Door of Hope. I had to choose to face the pain, to deal with it head-on, to defeat the lies and embrace the truths, and to allow God into my deep dark places. It had been a weeping wound for so long, but He began to heal it bit by bit, slowly and tenderly, as I was able at my own pace.

I was married at this point and was haunted by nightmares and fear of trusting my husband. God released me from the nightmares permanently (I'm now 63 and that was about 30 years ago) and taught me how to develop a trusting, sweet relationship with my hubby. It was a slow and painful process, just as healing from a severe injury or surgery would be, but the healing DID happen. I do have a scar, I won't deny that, but I'm free from rage, self-loathing, self-harm, hate...all the things that used to hold me hostage. I only share this because I truly believe that He is the only one who knows what you need and is able to heal you and give you hope. You can reach out to a local church and talk to the pastor or someone on their counseling staff. You'd be surprised how many people in churches have been abused!

If this doesn't resonate with you, please at least find the best therapist you can, start paying attention to the negative and untrue things you tell yourself and reframe them with gracious words, treat yourself with kindness and gentleness, and pursue healing for a future of hope. If you are feeling suicidal, call a hotline 800-273-TALK. There is hope for you, dear one.
 

GuyBloke

New Here
Now in my adulthood, I have suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts, I have an autoimmune disease,

I don't want to sound like I'm making the thread about me, but is your autoimmune disease connected to what you went through in the original post?

I just ask because my Pituritary doesn't work properly which might be caused by my mental health as a teenager, and what you described sort of hit home with me, at least with the school and social problems
 

Questioning

New Here
Hi,

I'm not sure how this works. But I guess it's nice to have anyone to talk to about this. Outside of my therapist.

I am now 32 years old. When I was 12, just entering 7th grade, a neighbor coerced me into his home at night and touched me in places. He also coerced me into performing oral sex on him and made comments on how under developed I was. I confessed to one of my old school friends how it made me feel. He said that our age difference wasn't that great, so it wasn't a problem. I had just left 6th grade a few months prior; I turned 12 in May and this occurred in the beginning of the school year. I didn't begin puberty until I turned 13 the following year. I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy (he never kissed me btw, he only touched me, and it wasn't to arouse me).

The neighbor was 16 and a sophomore in high school. He was around 5'10 and 180 lbs and fully mature. His younger brother in my grade spied on us and told everyone at school. So starting from age 12 for the rest of my school years and after high school, I was called derogatory names behind my back and had a tainted reputation. I was generally liked, but people still said pretty awful things behind my back and there were a lot of rumors. (my school district was zoned so I was never able to escape the same group of students). I attempted suicide when I was 17.

Until recently, I thought it had only been maybe twice, but now I realize it was countless times.

I knew nothing about sex, touching, kissing, I never spoke about sexuality with my friends or displayed sexual behavior. I was a pretty innocent 12 year old. I had crushes and a "boyfriend" I only spoke to on the phone over the summer.

Now in my adulthood, I have suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts, I have an autoimmune disease, I constantly move away to get away from my old city. I went through destructive behavior. It wasn't law breaking or anything, but I would drop in and out of college, withdraw from classes just move somewhere else etc). I have a tendency to avoid people and distance myself from social situations.

After an event at the house of my ex-boyfriend who was narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive, I was humiliated by him and another girl.

It happened 6 months ago, but I still cry about the shame and humiliation. I have no friends, I don't go out and I have nobody I can really talk to without feeling judged. I can not get over the event 6 months ago no hard I try.

I feel like I hate who I am and I can't live with myself because what happened when I was 12 seemed to have a larger effect on my psyche that I realized. I can't change the past but I can't handle not being able to. I can't go back and excel at school or have had a better childhood or adolescent experience and can't change what happened with my ex boyfriend bc if we had resolved things it would've made me feel better. But why does it hurt so bad? Why am I so depressed although I'm on medication and going through therapy etc. I still experience suicide ideation and I struggle a lot.

Was my friend right? Was 12 mature enough to make that decision?

Is my friend right? Was this okay?


I know this is long, but I don't really know what else to do
ahh, I'm so sorry. I got sad for you reading this. You definitely were not old enough, you were a victim. I had a similar situation but way younger, I was 5 and the boy was 9. There was a bully living next to me, she was an older girl. She would convince this boy to do anything, and then they would bully me about being his girlfriend. It is horrible to hear that your boyfriend and a girl did this too, it is not right and so unfair that you feel bad about it. I feel disgust for people who can do things like that with no quilty conscience. Nothing was your fault. It is hard to accept that you have been wronged, but from what you wrote it seems clear to me that you have been victimized.

It's so unfair
 
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