Childhood Childhood Sexual Assault- Fuzzy Memory

hocuspocus06

New Here
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt deep down that my step dad molested and raped me between the ages of 3-5 years old. I get flash backs of memories often, but they are scattered and in bits. I have a hard time with them, as I don’t know if they actually happened or not. I also had a pretty good relationship with him over the years (I’m 21 now) and I grew up wanting him to be my dad, trying to make him proud, etc. But in the back of my mind, I always had these memories and thoughts, as well as weird feelings when we were around each other like sexual feelings that made me feel disgusted and icky.

Recently, we’ve become estranged and the flashbacks are becoming more vivid and my gut has been telling me that it did in fact happen. But I feel confused because I don’t understand how I could have or have wanted such a close relationship with someone who hurt me and who made me uncomfortable? Or how I didn’t speak of this to my mom?

Does anyone else feel this way about their CSA or has anyone else experienced this?
 

Sadderday

New Here
If your stepfather molested you - not sure of the scientific definition, but I'm meaning no more than one light touch) but particularly if he raped you (again, no scientific definition, but I'm meaning forceful touching especially penetration, orally or otherwise) you would be sure. I comprehend what you wrote as intense guilt for the sexual feelings you have for your stepfather; so intense that your mind has invented a time long ago when there was actual sexual contact but when you were the innocent party. Going forward, first do not tell anyone, not your father but especially your mother - these are your fantasies you need to work out, such as why are you attracted to him? is it truly him, as in his looks, personality etc? is it because he's an authority figure? ... or is it because it is forbidden?
 

Friday

Moderator
If your stepfather molested you - not sure of the scientific definition, but I'm meaning no more than one light touch) but particularly if he raped you (again, no scientific definition, but I'm meaning forceful touching especially penetration, orally or otherwise) you would be sure.
Completely untrue.

Traumatic amnesia means that it’s completely normal, even common, for adults to be unsure of what happened to them during rapes, sexual assaults, and life threatening events.

When PTSD is the end result of that trauma? (And there are many possible end results of trauma, PTSD just one of them) Traumatic/Dissociative Amnesia is so common a symptom it’s even part OF the diagnostic criteria.

Criterion D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:
  1. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
  2. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "no one can be trusted," "The world is completely dangerous," "My whole nervous system is permanently ruined").
  3. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
  4. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
  5. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
  6. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
  7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

Meanwhile…. With childhood trauma, it’s far more common to be unsure / have fuzzy memories of both trauma AND normal life, than crystal clear memories or abuse &/or sexual assault.

None of which means that the OP was assaulted. Or not assaulted. They themselves are uncertain. Which makes it frankly insane for anyone else to assert that yes they were, or no they were not.
 

Sadderday

New Here
Hard disagree.
So you have a problem with the one word - sure. Okay, I'll redefine it to say - according to this post - it did't seem like they had a total blackout.
Completely untrue.

Traumatic amnesia means that it’s completely normal, even common, for adults to be unsure of what happened to them during rapes, sexual assaults, and life threatening events.

When PTSD is the end result of that trauma? (And there are many possible end results of trauma, PTSD just one of them) Traumatic/Dissociative Amnesia is so common a symptom it’s even part OF the diagnostic criteria.




Meanwhile…. With childhood trauma, it’s far more common to be unsure / have fuzzy memories of both trauma AND normal life, than crystal clear memories or abuse &/or sexual assault.

None of which means that the OP was assaulted. Or not assaulted. They themselves are uncertain. Which makes it frankly insane for anyone else to assert that yes they were, or no they were not.
I didn't bother reading all of that because you take issue with one word - sure. I'll rephrase to say it would be highly unlikely to have a total blackout. Happy?
 
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Friday

Moderator
So you have a problem with the one word - sure. Okay, I'll redefine it to say - according to this post - it did't seem like they had a total blackout.

I didn't bother reading all of that because you take issue with one word - sure.

No. I took issue with the entirety of what you wrote below. Both your premise, and your conclusions you based on that premise. Which you would know, if you’d bothered to read what I wrote, rather than to assume.

you would be sure. I comprehend what you wrote as intense guilt for the sexual feelings you have for your stepfather; so intense that your mind has invented a time long ago when there was actual sexual contact but when you were the innocent party. Going forward, first do not tell anyone, not your father but especially your mother - these are your fantasies you need to work out, such as why are you attracted to him? is it truly him, as in his looks, personality etc? is it because he's an authority figure? ... or is it because it is forbidden?

I'll rephrase to say it would be highly unlikely to have a total blackout. Happy?
Again, no. Because that would be factually incorrect.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt deep down that my step dad molested and raped me between the ages of 3-5 years old. I get flash backs of memories often, but they are scattered and in bits. I have a hard time with them, as I don’t know if they actually happened or not. I also had a pretty good relationship with him over the years (I’m 21 now) and I grew up wanting him to be my dad, trying to make him proud, etc. But in the back of my mind, I always had these memories and thoughts, as well as weird feelings when we were around each other like sexual feelings that made me feel disgusted and icky.

Recently, we’ve become estranged and the flashbacks are becoming more vivid and my gut has been telling me that it did in fact happen. But I feel confused because I don’t understand how I could have or have wanted such a close relationship with someone who hurt me and who made me uncomfortable? Or how I didn’t speak of this to my mom?

Does anyone else feel this way about their CSA or has anyone else experienced this?
Memory is really hard.

yes, I had a ‘knowing’. i repressed and blocked out memories for a long time. Was 24 when some came back and when I finally went into therapy, more came in my 40’s. A ‘knowing’ is there more than memory, particularly for one event that sends me into orbit when I think about it.
disassociation is clearly how I functioned.

it’s a tough and rocky time these memories coming back and working through them, a lot of people on this site have done that. So there is support and understanding here.

with the relationship and feelings? Makes sense if you block them out or doubt yourself, that your relationship with those people would continue like ‘normal’. Also makes sense that you would reflect on it all now, when you’re believing yourself more. Abuse and relationships that have/had abuse are messy, confusing, distorted. Adds a whole other level of trauma to it.
 

Sadderday

New Here
No. I took issue with the entirety of what you wrote below. Both your premise, and your conclusions you based on that premise. Which you would know, if you’d bothered to read what I wrote, rather than to assume.




Again, no. Because that would be factually incorrect.
I'm sorry I bothered to read this. Again, get a life.
 
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