• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood Childhood Sexual Assault- Fuzzy Memory

Status
Not open for further replies.

hocuspocus06

New Here
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt deep down that my step dad molested and raped me between the ages of 3-5 years old. I get flash backs of memories often, but they are scattered and in bits. I have a hard time with them, as I don’t know if they actually happened or not. I also had a pretty good relationship with him over the years (I’m 21 now) and I grew up wanting him to be my dad, trying to make him proud, etc. But in the back of my mind, I always had these memories and thoughts, as well as weird feelings when we were around each other like sexual feelings that made me feel disgusted and icky.

Recently, we’ve become estranged and the flashbacks are becoming more vivid and my gut has been telling me that it did in fact happen. But I feel confused because I don’t understand how I could have or have wanted such a close relationship with someone who hurt me and who made me uncomfortable? Or how I didn’t speak of this to my mom?

Does anyone else feel this way about their CSA or has anyone else experienced this?
 
If your stepfather molested you - not sure of the scientific definition, but I'm meaning no more than one light touch) but particularly if he raped you (again, no scientific definition, but I'm meaning forceful touching especially penetration, orally or otherwise) you would be sure.
Completely untrue.

Traumatic amnesia means that it’s completely normal, even common, for adults to be unsure of what happened to them during rapes, sexual assaults, and life threatening events.

When PTSD is the end result of that trauma? (And there are many possible end results of trauma, PTSD just one of them) Traumatic/Dissociative Amnesia is so common a symptom it’s even part OF the diagnostic criteria.

Criterion D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:
  1. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
  2. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "no one can be trusted," "The world is completely dangerous," "My whole nervous system is permanently ruined").
  3. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
  4. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
  5. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
  6. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
  7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

Meanwhile…. With childhood trauma, it’s far more common to be unsure / have fuzzy memories of both trauma AND normal life, than crystal clear memories or abuse &/or sexual assault.

None of which means that the OP was assaulted. Or not assaulted. They themselves are uncertain. Which makes it frankly insane for anyone else to assert that yes they were, or no they were not.
 
So you have a problem with the one word - sure. Okay, I'll redefine it to say - according to this post - it did't seem like they had a total blackout.

I didn't bother reading all of that because you take issue with one word - sure.

No. I took issue with the entirety of what you wrote below. Both your premise, and your conclusions you based on that premise. Which you would know, if you’d bothered to read what I wrote, rather than to assume.

you would be sure. I comprehend what you wrote as intense guilt for the sexual feelings you have for your stepfather; so intense that your mind has invented a time long ago when there was actual sexual contact but when you were the innocent party. Going forward, first do not tell anyone, not your father but especially your mother - these are your fantasies you need to work out, such as why are you attracted to him? is it truly him, as in his looks, personality etc? is it because he's an authority figure? ... or is it because it is forbidden?

I'll rephrase to say it would be highly unlikely to have a total blackout. Happy?
Again, no. Because that would be factually incorrect.
 
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt deep down that my step dad molested and raped me between the ages of 3-5 years old. I get flash backs of memories often, but they are scattered and in bits. I have a hard time with them, as I don’t know if they actually happened or not. I also had a pretty good relationship with him over the years (I’m 21 now) and I grew up wanting him to be my dad, trying to make him proud, etc. But in the back of my mind, I always had these memories and thoughts, as well as weird feelings when we were around each other like sexual feelings that made me feel disgusted and icky.

Recently, we’ve become estranged and the flashbacks are becoming more vivid and my gut has been telling me that it did in fact happen. But I feel confused because I don’t understand how I could have or have wanted such a close relationship with someone who hurt me and who made me uncomfortable? Or how I didn’t speak of this to my mom?

Does anyone else feel this way about their CSA or has anyone else experienced this?
Memory is really hard.

yes, I had a ‘knowing’. i repressed and blocked out memories for a long time. Was 24 when some came back and when I finally went into therapy, more came in my 40’s. A ‘knowing’ is there more than memory, particularly for one event that sends me into orbit when I think about it.
disassociation is clearly how I functioned.

it’s a tough and rocky time these memories coming back and working through them, a lot of people on this site have done that. So there is support and understanding here.

with the relationship and feelings? Makes sense if you block them out or doubt yourself, that your relationship with those people would continue like ‘normal’. Also makes sense that you would reflect on it all now, when you’re believing yourself more. Abuse and relationships that have/had abuse are messy, confusing, distorted. Adds a whole other level of trauma to it.
 
No. I took issue with the entirety of what you wrote below. Both your premise, and your conclusions you based on that premise. Which you would know, if you’d bothered to read what I wrote, rather than to assume.




Again, no. Because that would be factually incorrect.
I'm sorry I bothered to read this. Again, get a life.
 
I had something similar. Strange bits of memory that I couldn’t really understand and misinterpreted. I lived with my dad pretty much all my adult life. I was married for three years and then invited him and my mom to live with me and my husband and kids. I was married for 15 years.
how I could have or have wanted such a close relationship with someone who hurt me and who made me uncomfortable? Or how I didn’t speak of this to my mom?
I wanted a close relationship with my dad and made it as close as I could. Strangely, but logically in hindsight, even when I was the closest to him there was still a huge disconnect. Something I learned in my recovery is that it’s normal for a victim of ongoing abuse to become enmeshed with their abuser as a survival tactic. The more you mirror or simulate them the less chance they will abuse you (in any way)—it’s kind of like psychological camouflage.

My dad sexually abused me when I was a baby and then only sexualized me after that. It’s really hard to separate out abuse from caretaking when it happens at such a young age from a caregiver. And if they stop doing the sexual abuse before you are able to talk and narrate your life it’s even harder to understand the actions as abuse. Because when you’re a baby and toddler there’s a whole lot of things that are normal parts of caregiving that would be considered embarrassing or strange to an older child or a teen or adult. There’s no need to tell a baby not to tell anyone.

My case is unique because I had confirmation from my dad forty years after it happened. Somehow my mind put together a crystal clear memory of what happened one time and I had the experience and competence to finally understand what was actually happening. When he was confronted with the information by my mom he admitted to it. Not typical. But he wasn’t neurotypical.

Most of the people I’ve met in recovery for pre-verbal sexual abuse where it stopped before the age of around 4 or 5 have no confirmation and are just going on those bits of memory and strange feelings they have. They become a detective of their own life—and it can drive a person to maddening heights and mucky depths without a guide like a therapist to help regulate.

My best advice is to explore those memories slowly with a therapist. For me, beyond that memory which he confirmed I had others which were unconfirmed. And I also had lots of physical abuse and emotional manipulation. Then there was the abuse-enabling dynamic of my parents. Some sibling abuse. Sexual abuse from people in my community because I was like emanating the vibes of someone who abusers could prey on. And then marrying a narcissistic sex addict. All of that was collateral. And my dad’s dad was a way worse pedophile than him toward my aunt, so there was the generational level.

I am really yammering on! What I found is the best way to go about facing my repressed memories is one: build up those coping skills. Starting with the tiniest ones. Two: run little experiments on how my symptoms change as I talk about the memory fragments. One big hurdle is whether or not I accepted them to be true. That’s just the first hurdle. And it will circle back even after I’ve accepted it. It’s an ongoing process, which I think happens with other traumas too. Human body-minds generally do not like accepting that trauma happened and there are lots of mechanisms in place to block that process.

It’s possible that these memory fragments are non-traumatic events that got mixed up with your psycho-sexual development. Sometimes I would have memories and be sure they were abuse and my T would say they were just normal things.

Also, I had a handful of T’s that told me I wasn’t abused at all, but that was when I wasn’t fully aware of what was happening in the memory. That was painful and confusing, but still an important part of my story, as it helps illustrate how difficult it is to find the true meaning in memory fragments.
 
If your stepfather molested you - not sure of the scientific definition, but I'm meaning no more than one light touch) but particularly if he raped you (again, no scientific definition, but I'm meaning forceful touching especially penetration, orally or otherwise) you would be sure. I comprehend what you wrote as intense guilt for the sexual feelings you have for your stepfather; so intense that your mind has invented a time long ago when there was actual sexual contact but when you were the innocent party. Going forward, first do not tell anyone, not your father but especially your mother - these are your fantasies you need to work out, such as why are you attracted to him? is it truly him, as in his looks, personality etc? is it because he's an authority figure? ... or is it because it is forbidden?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top