Childhood Childhood "spanking" that caused ptsd and sexual trauma

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Breathe

Learning
When I was growing up, both of my parents were loving, yet incredibly inconsistent and at times explosive. Especially during the very early years through elementary school. They never really spanked us except a couple of swats which I thought were unfair because they were out of anger or done in a heinous way.

My dad had spanked me for not doing the dishes when I had in fact done the chore. And demanded that he spank me again to 'take it back.' Like that was cute and f*cking funny. Then on a road trip he pulled over because we were getting on his nerves and wanted to pull down our pants and spank us on the highway while cars drove by. We wouldn't get out and my mom was frustrated. She let him hit us but did not make us get out of the car. He also tried to make us count. I remember feeling gross the way he slapped our legs and counted. He moved between us as if to make us part of the same spanking giving us each one before doing the next kid. They didn't hurt but were very embarrassing. And I really remember the physicality and feeling very gross having my butt/legs touched or enduring a humiliating highway spanking.

However, that was not the one that I think gave me the ptsd I have today. The inconsistency and ridiculous lack of logic on my parents' part led them to allow a grown man who they didn't know personally, to babysit us. He had been recommended by their friend as some poor little bitch who could've used the work.(also they told our babysitters that they were not allowed to spank us and only this sick f*ck did it) A grown f*cking man who you don't know. To babysit.

And he took advantage. He babysat a couple times before I got the nerve to tell on him and I'm thankful my parents took my plea seriously because otherwise he would have been able to continue his insidious child molestation saga. I am however dissatisfied with the fact that they didn't check me for bruises or think to connect the dots when I started beating my stuffed animals in a manner that they had never done.

One of the times he babysat he had handed me a cup of water. I reached for it and did not quite grab it, letting the cup fall and the water make a mess. Obviously it was an accident. But he said, and I'm convinced it was sexual for him because of his tone of voice, "That's too bad. I'm going to have to spank you now." I argued with him knowing that a spanking was not in order for something like that but he was an adult and he coerced me to cooperate. He told me to go outside with him and he sat down on a couch we had out there on the back porch. He said "Lay over my lap." And I was confused because I had never been spanked like that before so I did what I thought he was asking but didn't do it right. He asked me to reposition myself and I did. Then with almost no warning the first smack. It hurt so badly that I started screaming and crying at the first one. I almost wonder if he took a paddle with him and I didn't see it. Imagine something so painful you cry on the first strike. But he kept spanking and spanking and didn't stop, at this steady rhythm for several minutes. I was bawling and screaming and at one point cried out "Are you almost done?!" and he said "Not yet." and continued to spank me until he felt he was done. I do not remember the rest of the evening but I was never the same again.

My mom once caught me spanking my stuffed animal the way the man spanked me and she angrily shouted "We don't do that in this house." Wow. If we don't spank then where did I learn that on my stuffed animal????? Years later I took them to therapy over it to tell them the whole story and they diminished my pain by telling me how they were spanked as a child. SMH.

I quickly developed a serious spanking fetish after what he did and as a 30 year old woman it is still with me. When spanking or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I feel very confusing things. Sometimes I want my boyfriends to spank me and others I want to be able to tell them my trauma. But I don't want them to know that that is where it comes from. I'm mortified. When spankings or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I tense up. I can't breathe. I want to cry and simultaneously feel sexual tingling and want to masturbate or have sex to alleviate the feelings. Then I perseverate on it for days. When I listen to them share their voices don't get shaky like mine. They just continue and then when the subject is dropped they seem fine. I pretend like I'm not reacting so that they don't see how badly it is affecting me. I put a lot of energy into pretending like I'm okay. The only circumstances in which I have spanked have been exploitative at best. Severely abusive at worst. And some people think that it is harmless.
 
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Friday

Moderator
So there’s something that kids do... they take a word with a very specific meaning, and apply it wholesale to everything remotely like it.

It’s not only a very normal part of childhood development & language acquisition, but we have words in our language that do that as well. Examples? Trees. Animals. >>> Kids are notorious for doing that with things that are NOT actually grouped together. Like calling broccoli trees. And being absolutely adamant that they had trees for dinner. You can argue with them all day long that broccoli might look like a tree, but it’s not a tree. Yes, it’s a plant, and trees are plants. But it’s broccoli, not a tree. (It looks like a tree, it grows like a tree, it’s a tree!)

Which sounds like what you’ve done with spanking.

Most adults who sexually abuse kids? Don’t flat out say “I’m going to rape you, now.” Or “Time for your sexual assault, before bedtime.” Instead they use phrases that sound normal, and make any kid telling about it, sound like they’re talking about something normal. Like being spanked. Or a kiss goodnight. And of course no kid likes being spanked, you must have been naughty to deserve it!, and My goodness! You should be happy you get a kiss goodnight! Further confuses the issue because the response from others hearing the wrong word? Is noooooo where near, not even in the same galaxy, as the response if they’d been told that the kid hates being raped, and that sexual assault before bedtime makes them sad.

If a pedophile beat you and sexually assaulted you? That’s what he did. That’s not spanking. Even if he called it that, and even if spanking was a part of it. Just like being raped at bedtime might involve a kiss, but that’s not a goodnight kiss, no matter what the pervert called it.
 

Breathe

Learning
So there’s something that kids do... they take a word with a very specific meaning, and apply it wholesale to everything remotely like it.

It’s not only a very normal part of childhood development & language acquisition, but we have words in our language that do that as well. Examples? Trees. Animals. >>> Kids are notorious for doing that with things that are NOT actually grouped together. Like calling broccoli trees. And being absolutely adamant that they had trees for dinner. You can argue with them all day long that broccoli might look like a tree, but it’s not a tree. Yes, it’s a plant, and trees are plants. But it’s broccoli, not a tree. (It looks like a tree, it grows like a tree, it’s a tree!)

Which sounds like what you’ve done with spanking.

Most adults who sexually abuse kids? Don’t flat out say “I’m going to rape you, now.” Or “Time for your sexual assault, before bedtime.” Instead they use phrases that sound normal, and make any kid telling about it, sound like they’re talking about something normal. Like being spanked. Or a kiss goodnight. And of course no kid likes being spanked, you must have been naughty to deserve it!, and My goodness! You should be happy you get a kiss goodnight! Further confuses the issue because the response from others hearing the wrong word? Is noooooo where near, not even in the same galaxy, as the response if they’d been told that the kid hates being raped, and that sexual assault before bedtime makes them sad.

If a pedophile beat you and sexually assaulted you? That’s what he did. That’s not spanking. Even if he called it that, and even if spanking was a part of it. Just like being raped at bedtime might involve a kiss, but that’s not a goodnight kiss, no matter what the pervert called it.
I think I see what you are trying to say. And that is I was beaten and it was called a spanking by the man because he was hitting my bottom, but what he was doing was nowhere near harmless. And if I told an adult they would hear "spanking" not "life changing beating." However, would you still call what my dad did a spanking? No, it didn't physically hurt, but ritualizing it was meant to be humiliating and it was a way for him to project his own struggles with power. What he did, even though it did not physically hurt, definitely was a misuse of power and it caused harm. So by the logic you are describing he could call it a spanking and I could call it abuse.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Healthy parenting spanking is normal (the punishment is proportional to both the age of the kid & what they have done)...

But abusive spanking is not that thing, but abuse.

Ditto, sexual abuse involving spanking is not corporal punishment and educational much less healthy... but sexual abuse of a child.

Not even starting on how a pedo babysitter gets no claims to make, because he had no business touching you in any way, whatsoever.

What you went through was abuse, and Im sorry.
 

Breathe

Learning
Healthy parenting spanking is normal (the punishment is proportional to both the age of the kid & what they have done)...

But abusive spanking is not that thing, but abuse.

Ditto, sexual abuse involving spanking is not corporal punishment and educational much less healthy... but sexual abuse of a child.

Not even starting on how a pedo babysitter gets no claims to make, because he had no business touching you in any way, whatsoever.

What you went through was abuse, and Im sorry.
I suppose I’m coming to terms with the fact that my father was also my abuser because of his direct actions against me. And by ignorance and minimizing, my mother abetted this. It’s funny that a proclaimed “no spanking household” would raise a daughter with some serious issues around abuse and spanking.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Take away the word "spanking" completely for a moment. It sounds like your dad was trying to humiliate you. That's abusive parenting. My dad used to "play". What he called play a "game", I now call groping. My dad also used to threaten spanking and he'd make it sexual. Of course, if I tried to explain that it could easily come out as my dad was just discussing punishment for misbehavior. One of the tricky things about some forms of abuse is you need context of the full experience to understand.

@Friday Wow, you just gave me some understanding into my own stuff.
 

Breathe

Learning
I think I’m really starting to see what you guys are saying. I have assigned an innocent word concept to describe my abuse. I was not given a harmless spanking. I was humiliated. I was not spanked by the babysitter, I was beaten and used for sexual gratification. I was not disciplined for disobeying or corrected for bad behavior. I was used as an object to project feelings on to. There was no regard for the human child in that body when my father did what he did. It was all about his insecurities, anger, and lack of emotional intelligence.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
I'm a bit confused @Breathe ,a babysitter spanking you gave you PTSD or were you also molested by this same person?Asking because you talked about the spanking but not the molestation.
 

Breathe

Learning
I'm a bit confused @Breathe ,a babysitter spanking you gave you PTSD or were you also molested by this same person?Asking because you talked about the spanking but not the molestation.
I was using the term molestation because what he did was unwanted touching with sexual meaning behind it but he only touched my bottom, not other privates. I’m basically saying it’s still molestation because of the sexual nature he inserted into it.
 

Breathe

Learning
The way he did things made it sexual. One, he had calculated his attack. He took an opportunity. He was not actually angry with me. He used the water dropping as a “reason.” Two, the tone in his voice like it was a desire. Three, the ritualization and making me make contact with his lap. He completely enjoyed it. He took care in setting up the scene the way he wanted it. He desired to do what he did. That made it sexual.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
Is that your own perception and assumption?

Is it possible it wasn't sexual in any way and he just got mad and spanked you?

I'm not trying to minimize what you went through,just trying to understand.
 
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