Childhood Childhood trauma by cousin

GhostKitty

New Here
Hello and please forgive me for my grammer cause i can't focus on correcting them, but anyway i am greatly suffering from my own PTSD that was by my cousin

My cousin who i heard had a child which i started to feel scare for her child since she sexually molested me when i was 4

I was so innocent and happy that she decided to take advantage of forcing me to do stuff that i was to naive and pure to know anything about it

And everything happened in the same month of September and those repressed memories started coming back to me in 7th grade and i begin to feel depressed and wanted to cry everytime they keep coming and when i think about it.

Even when i look at the game Perfection i started to freeze a little and hear her voice in my head also feel like crying while feeling so depressed a little. And when i see women who had the same skin color as her or act like her even look like her i feel like crying or depressed

But in 12th grade one girl was sitting next to me and talking to her friends, she touch my left arm i jumped up then turn to face her while moving my desk away from her a little bit.

It happened even everytime except if it's my mother or my aunt even my other cousins that's not her. She keeps doing it on different days in the morning and nights

But i told her "no" at one of those days she did it but she keeps telling me to say "oh yeah" while she was licking my vagina so i did and i hear my own voice...i sounded so terrified...and my voice sounded so quiet that i can barely speak loud so my mom and aunt would hear me in our apartment living room but they were looking at a horror movie with a bowl of popcorn

They protect me from my other cousin who was dry humping me while i was in kindergarten and he got in trouble by his mom for doing for two nights. But i think she knows what she is doing cause she was being sneaky and trying not to be loud

I don't know how to tell my mom about what happened for so long i just write a mental note on my phone to show her at the right time. This is what I wrote.

"Repressed memories from age 4, September 6 2002. Cousin told me to follow her in sugarmama bathroom. And after i got in there she close the door with the lights are off even lock it. Told me lay down and take off my pants to lick me i was saying no, but she told me to said yes. And take of her pants to have me lick. Then ten minute she stop and open the door to let me out after put on my pants

September 21 2002. You and Drenia were waching Friday the 13th 2 in the living room while me and cousin were playing that perfection game than after we got every yellow pieces in and i run into your bathroom to hide behind the shower curtain in the tub but she open and pull me out to do it again. She wanted me to oh yeah, but i didn't want to and told her no but she wanted me to say then i say it so many times cause i was scare of what she'll do if I didn't. But stop when she heard you calling my name she let me leave before pulling my pants up. I walk slow to you and than you ask me a question about i reply no then walk back to cousin slowly (cause i thought you would notice how i walk but you continue watching the movie) so she can finished Have me do the same to her

September 26 2002. Cousin said she want to play with me in my room but told me to sit down in my closet but close my closet door n blindfold with some socks or some shirt me then told me to lick her breast.

I'm really sorry for not telling you about it i was scare of how you will react and be really mad at me for not telling you. I was really young and don't know what she was doing till now. She will say that i'm lying about it, don't remember, make up some excuses, or say that she forgot even said that i'm lying to get attention or hated her

I don't want to be near any Perfection games because of it. And in 12th grade math when some black girl touch my arm in the classroom i jumped up and moved my desk away from her a little. Everytime the memories come in slowly or when i think about it i started to feel really depressed and wanted to cry

The memories started coming to me slowly in 7th grade and ever since then i keep feeling depressed everytime for no reason and don't want be near any women that has the same skin color as her or act like her

I will be jumpy or freeze a little while a piece of the memories keep coming to me while i heard her voice. I can't even be in a dark room or a dark place without any light

I feel so traumatized because of her"


My mom made it her job to keep me happy and i'm worried that she will get really angry to the point that she will blackout or try to hurt her that might put her in the hospital or a grave. But i'm really happy that she is not near me and i don't have to see her for years

I hear she is taking drugs that's not prescribed to her, being thot to every boy since middle school, fool around with some girls, and become really slutty

So i'm scared of what will happened to her child. And after i feel really depressed while thinking about what happened to me all i was thinking about her feeling the same pain has i felt and want her to suffered. I keep feeling depressed, terrified of the dark places, stressed, anxious, and mentally exhausted

She hates me and calling me a lazy spoiled brat that's not working but all that is not true about me. I'm not spoiled

I'm a caretaker of my autism brother that's protecting him from my narcissistic grandma. And i don't act like a brat

I needed help with my mental issues but i don't know how and don't want my family to worried about me

Thank you for listening to my story here
 
Last edited by a moderator:

joeylittle

Administrator
Hello, @GhostKitty. I'm sorry to read your story. What happened to you was very, very wrong.

I've removed the link you posted to this cousin's social media profile, and I've removed their name. We do want people to come to our site and be able to talk about the trauma that has happened to them - that's not something we censor or take away. But we don't want to encourage other members to seek out your abuser and take action against them. So, that information was removed, and I'll ask that you not re-post your cousin's full name and social media information. I hope you understand.

Your post is your story, and I'm glad you've shared it with us. I hope you can read other members' posts and understand that you are not alone in having gone through what you went through, and the effects that you still find yourself living with.

And if you have questions about my post, please click on this link: Contact Us - and write them to me, there.
 

oakleaves

Confident
I'm sorry you have had these experiences. That is really difficult for you to go through. Can you call a helpline - I am not sure what country you are in - and speak to them initially if you are not able to tell your mum? It is not ok that you had to go through this and that you have been left feeling the effects. It is really good that you have been able to put it into words and to find a place to share. I hope you can get some support from people around you.
 
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