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Children - Is It Good To Plan a Family Whilst PTSD is Dominating?

Discussion in 'General' started by superd, Aug 13, 2007.

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  1. superd

    superd Member

    Hey yall.

    On the other board someone suggested that I get a little wisdom from some of you parents over here and I think its a great idea. My wife is a PTSD sufferer. She's been in and out of therapy, and currently is out. She thinks she has overcome her PTSD, I say her multitude of "health problems" says otherwise. Her therapist agrees with me. Anyway, I came to ask you what your thoughts were on my wife and I having children in a marriage where PTSD is an ever-present issue. Are there ways to cope? How have you managed to do it? We have no problem going to counseling and have done so in the past, in fact I'm going to set up another appointment as soon as I get her schedule for the week and this subject will come up. Any input would be golden...if you need more info, please ask.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    My opinion on this.... if you think having kids will "fix" anything, if you think it will bring you closer together, etc etc... don't have kids. If your wifes PTSD is not in control, if she cannot cope with a little stress in her day, don't do it. Having children have a two fold effect on a relationship with PTSD, being my opinion, and it goes something like this:

    Because you wife has PTSD, not you, are you able to remain home with the children as full-time carer? If not, then who is going to take care of the kids when your wife is having a bad week, bad day, bad month? She will have them, have no doubts.

    Children bring a certain calm to PTSD, trust me on that one. If you see children as an inspiration to your life, and that your life revolves around your children to a degree, where you just have so much love for them and will never become bored off having kids hanging around you, then they can be a blessing to a PTSD sufferer; though facts still prove, if a relationship is stressed to begin with, children will not fix the problem, and in the long run usually become more an issue.

    A relationship, IMHO, cannot be stressed if you want to have a family and remain a family long-term. Just look at the statistics for failed marriages now. Overwhelming compared to successful marriages. You statistically have a greater chance of divorce than remaining married to the same partner longer than 10 years nowadays, and the figures only get worse the younger couples are and the less time they have been together.

    IMHO, you both need to stick your hand on your heart, be 110% totally honest with yourselves, and say you are both their for the kids at all times, they come first, not your job, life, etc, but they come first especially during the first 10 years of their lives when they need a lot of guidance, let alone teenagers, when they need even more guidance, but are less accepting off it. Babies are cute, but they growup, just like animals. You have to be their for one another in the same capacity and emotional state.
  4. EmeraldRiver

    EmeraldRiver Member

    Being a single mom with PTSD I will say this - my daughters life would be MUCH better if she had a different mom. This is not to say that I'm unloving or unable to take care of her. But there have been days when she tries to protect ME from the world, and that is not fair to a child. Nor is it fair to have her see me cry over the little stuff. Or know that I CANNOT take her to the park if there are other parents there. There are a million other examples but I'm depressing myself here so I'll stop. I don't know what symptoms your wife suffers from, but none of the symptoms are condusive to rearing a child properly.

    Also - since I became pregnant with my daughter shortly before I got PTSD here is a scary thought for you. I DISLIKED my daughter for the first two weeks of her life...and I did not get PTSD from rape. I quite simply could NOT cope with PTSD and a baby...even though I had wanted one! I craved solitude and peace - neither of which a baby provides. Think about the possiblity of coming home to a shaken baby...because you will NOT be home all the time and if your wife is really stressed what is she going to do? Also post partium depression is worse and more likely to happen for those with PTSD...maybe because we're already chemically imbalanced.

    Yes, you can explain to kids what's happening when the PTSD is worse. Glad to hear your wife is currently doing ok. But what excuse are you going to tell them when she's not?! Consider getting a pet instead...and I don't mean to be harsh on you or your wife at all. I'm just saying I think it's a horrible idea until there is an absolute cure for us....and I doubt there ever will be. I wouldn't consider having a child if I had cancer...or anything else that could re-occur and effect the children's lives. So is it fair to you or your wife to never have a kid? Maybe it's not fair to you guys -since you want one and I'm sure you would both love your child. But it's IMO, the best for the child to never be born than to have a disfunctional parent. Plus, with PTSD...you guys may or may not be married when that child is older. Statistics for us PTSDers aren't great as far as marriage goes.

    I am SO convinced that those with PTSD should not plan on more children that I had my tubes tied after my daughter was born. And I ADORE kids. I LOVE to be around them. I LOVE to take care of my daughter. But on those really bad days...well...just think about it. My guilt at not being the best mom I could have been if I didn't have PTSD is overwhelming some days. Your wife will feel just as guilty...and we don't need to feel more guilt. Maybe there are others out there that feel just as strongly that people with PTSD should have kids, but I doubt there's many.
  5. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP


    My answer is no kids, but I have to qualify that because my PTSD is 80% from my being a 2-parent incest survivor. I won't be around kids because I just can't stand that cry they make in grocery stores, or to see parents slap them or to see children wander around alone and scared in public places looking abandoned. I get triggered over many things. Kids are vulnerable. Now...if your PTSD is not related to anything kidling-related, and you would be able to control your PTSD symptoms through therapy, meds, or a combo of any other forms of treatment with success, by all means reproduce. You have my official permission. (I am now being a smart alek) Just start saving up your money now because you have to put them through college, which they will quit, and you may have to spend your golden years babysitting your grandkids when your kids' ex-spouses don't show up for trade-off weekends. Your financial love does not end at age 18. Just keep breathing.
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