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Relationship Chronic break-ups

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Wanderlust

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Hello

I am new to this forum and I could use some support. I have been in a serious relationship with a man who suffers from PTSD and a TBI for almost a year. We both fell in love with each other pretty fast despite my concerns about his disclosed mental health and his two previous failed marriages. We both felt like we had found "the one" and everything was great. It got really serious very quick in that I met his child, he met my family and all my friends and everyone adored him. I felt like I had found my soulmate and the love I had always looked for. He treated me so good and was crazy about me. Until about two months into the relationship, he started pulling away for unknown reasons, started calling less and less, telling me he "couldn't do this right now". This lasted for weeks, with him sporadically answering my desperate texts, sometimes telling me he missed me and that he would always love me. It wasn't until several weeks later that he reached out to me, telling me he was not doing well, was in a very dark place, and requested to meet up the next day. We met, he cried, he apologized, he never meant to hurt me, he pushes people away when he gets depressed, he got really sick due to his TBI, he doesn't want to be a burden, he had so much going on, he didn't want me to see him like this, etc. We cried, we talked a lot, and reconciled. Everything went back to normal and we continued to be in love.
Every day he told me how perfect I was for him and how nobody understood him like I did. That I was the one for him and he was so happy his kid loved me so much. He started opening up to me more, which had been hard for him.

Then a couple months later, it happened again! He took a comment I made the wrong way, blew it out of proportion and started telling me it was not going to work, and disappeared again. I basically begged him not to do this to me again, that he should talk to me instead of pushing me away, etc. He did not want to hear it. He was very apologetic but shut me down completely. Until a couple weeks later, when he texted me out of the blue, being suicidal. Long story short, he ended up committed, I was by his side thru the whole thing, he again apologized, cried, showed remorse, told me he tends to take little things and blow them out of proportion, that when he gets scared he runs, etc etc. We had a very long talk about him getting better before anything else, and he begged me to stay with him, that it would not happen again, etc etc. I decided to believe him and stick by his side again, as I care very much for this man and believed he was the love of my life. Well again, everything went back to normal, I had my walls up a bit, but he continued to love me like no one ever did before, being so caring, and really a good human being.

Then a couple months later, a few weeks before Christmas, he started being more distant with me, but nothing major. I asked him a couple of times if something was wrong, he reassured me he was just very stressed but that WE were fine. Then a couple days after spending Christmas together with my family and his kid, he dropped the bomb to me that he didn't know how it was going to work out between us. I asked if he was trying to break up with me, and his answer was "why do you always think the worse? no." Then after a couple days of him continually bringing this up and me crying and asking him not to do this again, to talk things out with me and not push me, me trying to reassure him that I was safe, and not dangerous, etc etc, he left me again.

Does anyone else go through chronic break ups like this? It has now been three times in less than a year. I am not sure if he will come back this time. I am unsure if this is another "episode" that he is going thru, or if he is really done this time. I am so confused. I understand PTSD sufferers push the ones they love, I understand the whole "fight or flight". I am curious to hear about others going through the same. Do they always come back? What makes them come back? How do they come to the realization of what they have done was not right ? Do they remember everything during their "episodes"? What are most people's triggers? We rarely argue, we barely had one fight ever, we get along so well, and I can't seem to figure out what triggers these break ups. He has told me before he is scared and when he is scared, he runs. But how can I make sure he does not see me as dangerous?

I love this man to death. I saw a future with him and from what he has always told me, I was the one for him. I care about him more than I can explain and my heart is completely broken.
 
Then a couple months later, it happened again!
Yep. That’s the PTSD-Tango so many of us do with INTENSE!-isolate-INTENSE-isolate-INTENSE-isolate.

Not everyone with PTSD isolates, but for those of us who do? You’re looking at what is very probably a lifelong pattern of how he either manages his stress or reacts to stress. Which is a key distinction, by the by. As isolating in order to manage stress usually allows one to keep functional (and keep their jobs, friends, families), but isolating in reaction to stress is a lot like giving birth, or getting food poisoning... you don’t really have much -if any- say in what happens next. It’s just going to happen, until it’s done. Clearly, the first is a faaaaar better option. But it can take a helluva lot of trial and error to master it. With a lot of wreckage (jobs, relationships, etc.) lost in the process.

Does anyone else go through chronic break ups like this?

Personally? No. I’ve never done that (as a sufferer), and I never put up with it (as a supporter). I know people who do, but that’s not me. Once I break up with someone, or they break up with me? I’m done. <<< Which was also my sole reason -at the time- for learning to isolate proactively / (as a management tool). I didn’t WANT to lose everything, again, so I needed to figure out a different way of going about things. Which meant setting up my life in a way that allowed for me to take off for the wild blue yonder, periodically, but still meet all my responsibilities.
 
Hello

I am new to this forum and I could use some support. I have been in a serious relationship with a man who suffers from PTSD and a TBI for almost a year. We both fell in love with each other pretty fast despite my concerns about his disclosed mental health and his two previous failed marriages. We both felt like we had found "the one" and everything was great. It got really serious very quick in that I met his child, he met my family and all my friends and everyone adored him. I felt like I had found my soulmate and the love I had always looked for. He treated me so good and was crazy about me. Until about two months into the relationship, he started pulling away for unknown reasons, started calling less and less, telling me he "couldn't do this right now". This lasted for weeks, with him sporadically answering my desperate texts, sometimes telling me he missed me and that he would always love me. It wasn't until several weeks later that he reached out to me, telling me he was not doing well, was in a very dark place, and requested to meet up the next day. We met, he cried, he apologized, he never meant to hurt me, he pushes people away when he gets depressed, he got really sick due to his TBI, he doesn't want to be a burden, he had so much going on, he didn't want me to see him like this, etc. We cried, we talked a lot, and reconciled. Everything went back to normal and we continued to be in love.
Every day he told me how perfect I was for him and how nobody understood him like I did. That I was the one for him and he was so happy his kid loved me so much. He started opening up to me more, which had been hard for him.

Then a couple months later, it happened again! He took a comment I made the wrong way, blew it out of proportion and started telling me it was not going to work, and disappeared again. I basically begged him not to do this to me again, that he should talk to me instead of pushing me away, etc. He did not want to hear it. He was very apologetic but shut me down completely. Until a couple weeks later, when he texted me out of the blue, being suicidal. Long story short, he ended up committed, I was by his side thru the whole thing, he again apologized, cried, showed remorse, told me he tends to take little things and blow them out of proportion, that when he gets scared he runs, etc etc. We had a very long talk about him getting better before anything else, and he begged me to stay with him, that it would not happen again, etc etc. I decided to believe him and stick by his side again, as I care very much for this man and believed he was the love of my life. Well again, everything went back to normal, I had my walls up a bit, but he continued to love me like no one ever did before, being so caring, and really a good human being.

Then a couple months later, a few weeks before Christmas, he started being more distant with me, but nothing major. I asked him a couple of times if something was wrong, he reassured me he was just very stressed but that WE were fine. Then a couple days after spending Christmas together with my family and his kid, he dropped the bomb to me that he didn't know how it was going to work out between us. I asked if he was trying to break up with me, and his answer was "why do you always think the worse? no." Then after a couple days of him continually bringing this up and me crying and asking him not to do this again, to talk things out with me and not push me, me trying to reassure him that I was safe, and not dangerous, etc etc, he left me again.

Does anyone else go through chronic break ups like this? It has now been three times in less than a year. I am not sure if he will come back this time. I am unsure if this is another "episode" that he is going thru, or if he is really done this time. I am so confused. I understand PTSD sufferers push the ones they love, I understand the whole "fight or flight". I am curious to hear about others going through the same. Do they always come back? What makes them come back? How do they come to the realization of what they have done was not right ? Do they remember everything during their "episodes"? What are most people's triggers? We rarely argue, we barely had one fight ever, we get along so well, and I can't seem to figure out what triggers these break ups. He has told me before he is scared and when he is scared, he runs. But how can I make sure he does not see me as dangerous?

I love this man to death. I saw a future with him and from what he has always told me, I was the one for him. I care about him more than I can explain and my heart is completely broken.
Been there for almost three years. The whole push-pull dance. It is exhausting as hell. I truly wish I had some magic advice for you, for him not to see you as being dangerous, but I don’t. My sufferer pulls away for weeks. No apparent reason....he just can’t let me get too close to him. Most of the time I let him do the contacting. I just leave him alone, but it isn’t easy!
You have to decide if you can keep on doing this. I know that when you love somebody it is next to impossible to walk away and say enough is enough. You hope that if you are patient it will all work out. However the most important person in this relationship is you! You are not ready to give up on him and that is all right! Sending all my best wishes to you.
 
It seemed to me thats how he reacts to stress because every time, it follows some kind of stressful life events he has to deal with...new job, sick kid, fight with ex, health issues, etc. I guess I'm just really puzzled as to how he can tell me one day that I'm the best thing that has happened to him and the next he needs to run away from me. Why say I'm your safe place if you are going to keep pushing me away ?
 
What does your sufferer say when they come back ? Do you live together and they just leave? Do they realize the damage ? Why dont they realize during the episode that they're going thru an episode ? You're right I'm not sure I'm ready to let go yet as we have always promised each other "to not let go" but it seems to me that promise was one sided. I love this man and care about him so much and it just breaks my heart every single time because I never know if hes going to come back .
 
What does your sufferer say when they come back ? Do you live together and they just leave? Do they realize the damage ? Why dont they realize during the episode that they're going thru an episode ? You're right I'm not sure I'm ready to let go yet as we have always promised each other "to not let go" but it seems to me that promise was one sided. I love this man and care about him so much and it just breaks my heart every single time because I never know if hes going to come back .
He behaves like nothing has happened ? Maybe says he has been busy with this or that. We don’t live together. We were neighbors four years and both in relationships before we became involved. We are not in an official relationship. He can’t do relationship anymore. He can’t do intimacy outside the bedroom and hardly in the bedroom because that equals relationship. The more I pushed for intimacy the more he pulled away. He loves intimacy but is too scared to just go for it...again because that leads to relationship in his mind. That is the worst part about him....almost no intimacy...he tries and then runs away and comes back. The past 6-7 months I have pulled away a lot....building a life of my own...I don’t get so heartbroken over his actions anymore. I go with the flow...I let him contact me....I don’t ask for intimacy or more time with him. Maybe that will make him more relaxed. I know he can’t let go of me, because I make him feel safe so that is positive since a lot of sufferers have difficulty trusting people...he trusts me a lot.
As for you and him coming back....he most likely will, but you are in for a bumpy ride. You can’t love PTSD out of him....for some suffers it is wildly triggering if you tell them you love them...it is for mine...words like love and relationship....scares him! Ask your guy what triggers him....if he doesn’t share that with you, then you have no clue what is a big no no to say. Just remember..you most love you more than you love him....don’t let your happiness depend on anybody than you❤️ I see that so much clearer now than six months ago!
 
Completely understand. Mine isnt scared of intimacy at all. Hes all for it. Hes told me every day how perfect for him I am and how I am the one. He never understood how someone could "know" they have met the one and now he does, etc, etc. Hes very affectionate and has opened up to me a lot. Then bam. "Its not gonna work." I've asked him the other times he came back what had triggered him and his answer was "just stress". Our relationship hasnt been stressful at all , we dont fight or argue and get along so well. Now last time we talked a few days ago he says he misses his family and thinking about going back to his ex who he has always hated. Then 2 minutes later he tells me what if he met someone else. And 2 more minutes later he tells me he never hears from me when I'm out doing my thing. Mmm you broke up with ME. What the hell
 
Completely understand. Mine isnt scared of intimacy at all. Hes all for it. Hes told me every day how perfect for him I am and how I am the one. He never understood how someone could "know" they have met the one and now he does, etc, etc. Hes very affectionate and has opened up to me a lot. Then bam. "Its not gonna work." I've asked him the other times he came back what had triggered him and his answer was "just stress". Our relationship hasnt been stressful at all , we dont fight or argue and get along so well. Now last time we talked a few days ago he says he misses his family and thinking about going back to his ex who he has always hated. Then 2 minutes later he tells me what if he met someone else. And 2 more minutes later he tells me he never hears from me when I'm out doing my thing. Mmm you broke up with ME. What the hell
Mixed messages....classic! Mine did that as well....I want a relationship, I will never get in a relationship again, I can’t feel love towards anyone, I love you a lot more than just a friend, I am not interested in anybody but you, maybe I will fall for someone else....and so on! So I know just how that feels! And him thinking about going back to his ex....he won’t...he is just making noises! PTSD can make people say really shitty things which is not okay.

You are very lucky that he isn’t afraid of intimacy! Count your blessings ❤️ When mine finally realized that I was walking away for good he opened up to intimacy in the bedroom and he really enjoyed it....and then he ran...and came back. Regarding non romantic intimacy he, according to himself, tells me things he tells no one else...that he keeps coming back because I make him feel safe, I have been his rock, that I know things about him nobody else knows...which is good.
 
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Yes same here ! "You treat me like no one has before". I just don't understand. I don't know how he would go back to his ex unless she lifts the restraining order she has against him. Or if he's willing to go to jail by violating it. Or lose his kids. It's a mess. I can provide him something way more stable and healthy but he prefers to run. I am really having a hard time with it.

As far as yours, it's weird that he does not want a relationship with you if he tells you all these things. They are so conflicted aren't they? So difficult.
 
Yes same here ! "You treat me like no one has before". I just don't understand. I don't know how he would go back to his ex unless she lifts the restraining order she has against him. Or if he's willing to go to jail by violating it. Or lose his kids. It's a mess. I can provide him something way more stable and healthy but he prefers to run. I am really having a hard time with it.

As far as yours, it's weird that he does not want a relationship with you if he tells you all these things. They are so conflicted aren't they? So difficult.
Mixed messages are very confusing....we spend a lot of time over analyzing their statements! Enough to drive you crazy!
Just a few weeks ago he said; I can’t imagine not having you in my life as a friend or girlfriend.
Say what? Girlfriend? I didn’t ask what he meant by that, because he would just have come up with some avoident answer. But he actually said girlfriend although he doesn’t want a girlfriend ever. He suffers from CPTSD and I suspect that he is dismissive avoidant and that his traumas has made that way worse. I don’t see us getting old together....he is too much of a mess and not in therapy...but I have known him almost seven years and as a person he is extremely charming, handsome and just good company. We started out as friends and became involved because he had been interested in me for some years and then finally he told me he was in love with me....and then the running began. Loving me without telling me was safe...telling me and then having to act on it, was dangerous. I take each day as it comes.
 
Read this about PTSD breakups and this about the stress cup.

Does anyone else go through chronic break ups like this?
Personally, I do not. I would not be ok with that. My boyfriend broke up with me once and he knows that I will be gone and won't come back if he does that to me again.

But how can I make sure he does not see me as dangerous?
You can't. That's for him to work on. You are not dangerous. You cannot do anything other than continue to be not dangerous. His perception has to change and since his perception is not reality....that is for him to change and work on on a setting like therapy.

Do they always come back? What makes them come back?
Nope. Plenty of stories around here about not coming back. You would have to ask individuals what made them come back. Everybody is different.

Do they remember everything during their "episodes"?
Again, you'd have to ask them/him. When my boyfriend isolates he certainly doesn't remember everything but he functions enough to maintain his income and keep his job.

What are most people's triggers?
Everybody is different. You'd have to ask. More than likely even he won't know them all. Also, see stress cup link above.

What does your sufferer say when they come back ?
Sometimes he apologizes. Sometimes he just carries on normally.

how he can tell me one day that I'm the best thing that has happened to him and the next he needs to run away from me.
Because both were true in the moment he told you. But his brain works differently than yours and covered a lot of ground between those two messages.

Do you live together and they just leave?
We live together and he isolates at home. He just checks out completely. We only speak about necessities. When its bad its like he cant even see me. I feel like a ghost.

Do they realize the damage ?
Nope. Not at all. My boyfriend thinks he's protecting me from himself and I've seen the same sentiment from sufferers here.

Why dont they realize during the episode that they're going thru an episode ?
Because they are drowning and can only focus on survivng. With therapy this can improve.

Our relationship hasnt been stressful at all , we dont fight or argue and get along so well.
Again, see the stress cup explanation. Its not necessarily your relationship...its the fact that a relationship exists no matter how relaxed it is.
 
Thank you for the wisdom. It's really good to get some insight from others. I still feel useless not to be able to show him I'm not dangerous. At this point we arent even talking and it breaks my f*** heart. I really thought this man was my forever. I thought I was his forever because he told me I was. Part of me still hopes that he will come back to me but at the same time, how many times am I going to go thru a heartbreak like this? I feel hopeless and I'm not sure how I'm gonna trust anyone that tells me they love me or that I'm "perfect for them" or "the one" ever again ?
 
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