This entire post is brilliant.Your partner with PTSD has to be healthy enough to participate in a relationship. There has to be more good than bad. They have to work just as hard as you do, even if they fall short sometimes. They have to put in the effort. They have to want it too. I don’t remember anybody coming on here to tell us how their isolating partner has suddenly improved and started treating them better.
The vast majority of my relationships were with amazing men, that years -and decades- later, I still have feelings for some of them, and smile about others when I think of them. Some of them I’m still even in periodic contact with.I am very confused as to how or why this ended so abruptly when we were so in love, and there was nothing toxic about our relationship (no fighting, barely any arguments, still in the honeymoon phase, etc).
I’ve always been of the opinion that the best way over one man is under another.He explained that he needed to "do him" right now and work on himself. One minute he tells me that and a minute later he tells me he is seeing someone.
I always feel a little reluctant to respond to some of these specific questions because there was the added issue of NPD with the sufferer I was with, but I am going to give you my opinion based on my own experience because, after all, that is all we have.
Do yourself a favour and go no contact. Literally, block him on everything, do not look at his social media, do not text him, do not reach out to him or his family or friends. If you do not take a huge step back you will stay in the pain and confusion of all of it.
I know. I did this. Too many times.
You need to accept that you will likely never get closure.
You will not be able to understand what happened.
This is advice I would give my sister, daughter, best friend. And what I needed to hear and live by.
This may seem harsh but I am telling you right now you will only set yourself up for more pain otherwise.
Get out. Do things that you enjoy. Distract yourself. Talk to friends (and spread it out a bit). Do something you have never done before. Do not stop living!
It gets better. I promise.
I can feel you pain too. The hardest thing is that she twisted me wanting to be spend a few minutes with them both on her daughter’s birthday into something quite bizarre. She sent so many messages about how she valued being made to feel part of my family through my parents etc. life is not easy for her. She is estranged from all of her family who live in a different continent, apart from her mother who she speaks to very rarely. My family loved both my ex and her daughter. The person she dated before me had not made any effort to introduce her to family or friends. I knew that hurt her. He was off seeing other people and I believe went back to his ex wife. I understand it was her insecurity that led her to think I was seeing someone else. How on God’s earth she could contemplate that given I had explained the pain of my own experience of being on the receiving end of infidelity is beyond me. I didn’t introduce her to my family and friends and have her with them at Xmas to walk away. With the demands of my job, having to commute hours to and from work, spending every spare moment with them, I barely had time to do my own chores, Cook a meal, sort out my meals. I fit my schedule around hers. We spoke on the phone for hours after she got her little one to bed. She had sorted her day out by then. I had rarely even had time to cook or have a shower by then. There was no grief from me about that. I’m sure trauma does get in the way of things that might have otherwise been meant to be. She may need to find someone emotionally distant. I suspect most of the people that she meets with have their own children and will be juggling the responsibilities of being a parent with shared responsibility for their own children. I doubt she will find that any easier than a person who was trying to find the right way to fit into their lives without her having to deal with someone else’s child / children as well. She didn’t just lose me. She lost my parents who would have been there to support her and her daughter, my sister and her family who also treated her like family from the outset. I genuinely hope she can find a relationship with someone who she can have all that with. I hope she does find a man who can better run through the tiny opening between her insecurity and trauma - who can better manage the pull and push that came when she was dealing with things from her past that triggered her. I genuinely wish that for her.