Relationship Chronic break-ups

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joeylittle

Administrator
Your partner with PTSD has to be healthy enough to participate in a relationship. There has to be more good than bad. They have to work just as hard as you do, even if they fall short sometimes. They have to put in the effort. They have to want it too. I don’t remember anybody coming on here to tell us how their isolating partner has suddenly improved and started treating them better.
This entire post is brilliant.
 

Wanderlust

New Here
Just an update. I could still use some support, wise words, encouragement, anything. It has been two and a half months since he left. I pushed really hard for a couple months, constantly texting, calling, begging, being a psycho basically. I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't help it, and I pushed him even further away as a result. I acted out of fear of losing him for good and I did. He finally ended up blocking me, which was probably for the best and the only way to stop my out of control behavior.

Prior to him blocking me, I went to his house to talk. I needed some type of closure, some explanation. I was going nuts. Overall it went well, he was not mad that I showed up unannounced, just a little shocked. He said it's not that he does not have feelings for me anymore, that he is "between feelings" right now. He explained that he needed to "do him" right now and work on himself. One minute he tells me that and a minute later he tells me he is seeing someone. I lost it. I started crying, and asking him how he could tell me he is completely in love with me and a couple weeks later break up with me, and another couple weeks later, tell me he is already with someone. I don't know if it's true or if he's just saying that to get me off his back. I was so upset that I told him that his child did not need to be brought from relationship to relationship and that she needed stability. He did not like that, and asked me to leave. I did. I didn't mean it the wrong way, just that I love the child to death and want the best for her.

Didn't talk to him at all after that. I have been focusing on grieving, which is still a work in progress. Then he texted me last weekend, regarding money he still owes me. We texted back and forth a little, talking about his health, his work, and asking how his child was doing, etc. I told him I wanted him to be happy, and that I was sorry that I couldn't make him happy. He responded that it was not me, that he needed to be happy with himself first. He apologized for hurting me. Then my emotions took over again and I told him I didn't think he was sorry, and that if he needed to be happy with himself first, maybe he shouldn't have jumped into another relationship. All I got was that he was not getting into it with me again, and that's the last time we talked.

Him telling me he was seeing someone else was a slap in the face. Whether it's true or not. I am still feeling lost about everything. I am very confused as to how or why this ended so abruptly when we were so in love, and there was nothing toxic about our relationship (no fighting, barely any arguments, still in the honeymoon phase, etc). I read a lot of stories on here about the push-pull, the stress cup, and the isolation... how their brain may not be processing the feelings, etc etc. and I can't help but hope that is what is happening right now, and that he still loves me.

I don't really know how I am going to get over this man. I am completely lost and hurting. He was the love of my life. I loved him unconditionally and I felt the same from him. I never felt this way toward another human being and nobody has ever made me feel the way he made me feel when we were together. He was so supportive of me when I was going through hard times. But I feel like every time his life gets stressful, he cannot handle a relationship. Is this normal? Even if the relationship is healthy? I feel like my world has been turned upside down.
 

Friday

Moderator
I am very confused as to how or why this ended so abruptly when we were so in love, and there was nothing toxic about our relationship (no fighting, barely any arguments, still in the honeymoon phase, etc).
The vast majority of my relationships were with amazing men, that years -and decades- later, I still have feelings for some of them, and smile about others when I think of them. Some of them I’m still even in periodic contact with.

To my way of thinking? That’s how relationships should end. Because if they’re ending for being terrible, toxic, or abusive? I need to raise the hell outta my standards, and start dating better men.

I DID make the decision to only date assholes, for awhile. Not one of my better decisions. Hopefully for obvious reasons?


He explained that he needed to "do him" right now and work on himself. One minute he tells me that and a minute later he tells me he is seeing someone.
I’ve always been of the opinion that the best way over one man is under another.

My girlfriends seem to split about 50/50 on that, half of them in my camp, the other half spending some sort of time period grieving. I’ve never really understood that process, the only men I’ve loved & grieved for were killed. But they’ve never really understood my process, either. It’s not that breakups aren’t heartbreaking, for either of us. It’s simply that we deal with that heartbreak in exactly the same yet very different ways. They want Häagen Dazs and sobbing. I want sex and laughter. Both groups just seeking to feel better. To regain that sense of oomph / assured self confidence / being alright in the world again. One person’s catharsis? Is another person’s f*ck right off with that nonsense, all that would do is make me feel worse. Shrug. Keep in mind, that 50/50 split is amongst MY girlfriends. My understanding is that it’s more heavily weighted out in the wide world.

Of the blokes I’ve known? The split is more like 90/10. Most move on almost immediately, whether it’s a one night stand, fling, casual relationship, or serial monogamy. (It’s about 50/50 on whether they do it blind drunk, and also equally split whether they’re going to be idiots for the next few months, or not, as pain leaks out sideways.)

With both groups? There seems to be the fundamental misunderstanding that one group isn’t in pain, and the other group isn’t moving on. My experience is that both groups are in pain, and trying to move on. How they go about it just looks different.

So, personally? I would take his seeing other people as a sign that he’s serious about moving on, and working on his own life. Doesn’t mean I’m right. But my experience is that people who are holding on to a relationship / fighting for a relationship... aren’t doing the things they do to move on with their lives. Whatever that looks like, to them. They’re not easing the pain of not being with their ex, but swimming in it, because they’re hoping that what will ease that pain is getting back together.
 
I always feel a little reluctant to respond to some of these specific questions because there was the added issue of NPD with the sufferer I was with, but I am going to give you my opinion based on my own experience because, after all, that is all we have.

Do yourself a favour and go no contact. Literally, block him on everything, do not look at his social media, do not text him, do not reach out to him or his family or friends. If you do not take a huge step back you will stay in the pain and confusion of all of it.
I know. I did this. Too many times.
You need to accept that you will likely never get closure.
You will not be able to understand what happened.
This is advice I would give my sister, daughter, best friend. And what I needed to hear and live by.
This may seem harsh but I am telling you right now you will only set yourself up for more pain otherwise.
Get out. Do things that you enjoy. Distract yourself. Talk to friends (and spread it out a bit). Do something you have never done before. Do not stop living!
It gets better. I promise.
Peace.
 

Wanderlust

New Here
For Friday...

Right, I understand your point. That's what hurts the most, hearing him say he is with someone else. For some reason I am partly in denial about it, thinking he may be saying that to push me away. Regardless it's still the same outcome: he wants to move on. It doesn't hurt any less. It will always hurt. My T thinks he may be dissociating, in that he is able to put me, the woman he was so in love with, and our relationship, which was so great, to the side while he focuses on other things. I don't know. I am at a loss.
 

Wanderlust

New Here
I agree. Having contact with him was not healthy, for me or for him. I was too much, yet I felt like I was not enough. He does not have social media so that helps. Currently I am hurting too much to get out and see people, and I don't like talking to friends because no one understands. However, I have taken a step back and have not reached out other than once to ask for money he still owes me. I agree it is what I need to do; however, it does not hurt any less and I am still as confused as ever. I am mad at him for the fact that I may never understand what happened. I am mad at him for telling me I was "the one" and that he was never going to let me go. I am mad at myself for allowing myself to trust again, after being hurt in the past. I am just so lost. Hopefully it will get better with time.

I always feel a little reluctant to respond to some of these specific questions because there was the added issue of NPD with the sufferer I was with, but I am going to give you my opinion based on my own experience because, after all, that is all we have.

Do yourself a favour and go no contact. Literally, block him on everything, do not look at his social media, do not text him, do not reach out to him or his family or friends. If you do not take a huge step back you will stay in the pain and confusion of all of it.
I know. I did this. Too many times.
You need to accept that you will likely never get closure.
You will not be able to understand what happened.
This is advice I would give my sister, daughter, best friend. And what I needed to hear and live by.
This may seem harsh but I am telling you right now you will only set yourself up for more pain otherwise.
Get out. Do things that you enjoy. Distract yourself. Talk to friends (and spread it out a bit). Do something you have never done before. Do not stop living!
It gets better. I promise.
Peace.
 

dcb2410

Not Active
I spoke to my counsellor yesterday who I first spoke to a couple of weeks ago. That conversation led me to this site. My ex is unable to articulate what drove her to end the relationship. A small misunderstanding became complete shut down. A well meaning friend of her cake piling in and reinforced that my ex’s behaviour was rational. It may be understandable in the context of her past trauma. But it is not rational. Like others here I was the one who made her feel loved like she had never been in her life - she said. I was her soul mate. The person who understood her. I will never get the closure from her that I wanted. The conversation about what drove her to end things. My counsellor suggested that some of her behaviours were narcissistic or suggested borderline traits. I couldn’t agree I had been in a relationship with someone with BPD. The complete shut down was similar. My ex is not narcissistic. She may not have the capacity to understand how painful it is to have a relationship ended in a sudden and unexplainable way but she is simply unable to deal with anyone else’s emotions, needs or wishes when she is at her limit. She has been cruel. No doubt about that. But I don’t think deliberately so. A small misunderstanding transformed immediately in her mind to a threat to her very being. It is her hypersensitivity to perceived threats. A couple of weeks before our breakup it was her hypersensitivity to fears I would abandon her and her daughter merely because I had not seen and accepted a tag on a Facebook photo. That became fear I was going to leave her and her daughter for someone else and she didn’t want her daughter (who she said had grown close to me) hurt. Two weeks later it was something else. This didn’t come from some sense of grandiosity or self importance but rather deep pain from trauma of the past. My counsellor said yesterday he said he could see I was in deep grief. I am. But I’m not going to get any form of closure or rational response from my ex. I have to let her go and hope that one day for her own sake and that of her daughter she engage in serious therapy to work through her traumas. I know the sudden shut down has brought back things from my own past.
 

Wanderlust

New Here
I think I remember your posts but I didnt reply because I thought you left the forum. I could relate to most of your posts almost to a T. I feel the same pain you are feeling and its excruciating. I know his stress cup was full and that he was not thinking rationally. Nothing he said made sense. At least not next to the things he had always told me about how he felt about me. I've also come to the conclusion that I do need to let him go. If it's meant to be, it will be. But then I also wonder if PTSD messes with things that are meant to be. I hope you are doing better, I felt your pain while reading your posts and can relate so much. I miss his daughter so much so I get where you're coming from for that too. It's hard. I hope she comes around for you or that you can at least find some peace. Sooner than later.
 

dcb2410

Not Active
I can feel you pain too. The hardest thing is that she twisted me wanting to be spend a few minutes with them both on her daughter’s birthday into something quite bizarre. She sent so many messages about how she valued being made to feel part of my family through my parents etc. life is not easy for her. She is estranged from all of her family who live in a different continent, apart from her mother who she speaks to very rarely. My family loved both my ex and her daughter. The person she dated before me had not made any effort to introduce her to family or friends. I knew that hurt her. He was off seeing other people and I believe went back to his ex wife. I understand it was her insecurity that led her to think I was seeing someone else. How on God’s earth she could contemplate that given I had explained the pain of my own experience of being on the receiving end of infidelity is beyond me. I didn’t introduce her to my family and friends and have her with them at Xmas to walk away. With the demands of my job, having to commute hours to and from work, spending every spare moment with them, I barely had time to do my own chores, Cook a meal, sort out my meals. I fit my schedule around hers. We spoke on the phone for hours after she got her little one to bed. She had sorted her day out by then. I had rarely even had time to cook or have a shower by then. There was no grief from me about that. I’m sure trauma does get in the way of things that might have otherwise been meant to be. She may need to find someone emotionally distant. I suspect most of the people that she meets with have their own children and will be juggling the responsibilities of being a parent with shared responsibility for their own children. I doubt she will find that any easier than a person who was trying to find the right way to fit into their lives without her having to deal with someone else’s child / children as well. She didn’t just lose me. She lost my parents who would have been there to support her and her daughter, my sister and her family who also treated her like family from the outset. I genuinely hope she can find a relationship with someone who she can have all that with. I hope she does find a man who can better run through the tiny opening between her insecurity and trauma - who can better manage the pull and push that came when she was dealing with things from her past that triggered her. I genuinely wish that for her.
 

Wanderlust

New Here
Totally understand. Our stories are so so similar. He has twisted many things I have said as well, making them fit his own insecurities somehow. From saying I'm not ready ready date someone with kids to me not being willing to move to be with me; things I have never said or never even thought. I know what he wants is a family. His family is all out of state, some or them also estranged. He has shared custody of one daughter as well, and I brought both of them into my family thinking he was the one and that they were going to be in my life forever. His daughter got along great with my niece and nephew , who now miss her terribly. My parents and i spoiled her for Christmas and my whole family loved them. It's so heartbreaking. I also do hope he finds someone who will have a big heart, as big as mine (not trying to toot my own horn) and that will make him happy. He always told me he was happy with me so this sudden shut down is very confusing like you said. I dont think I will ever be able to love and trust anyone the way I did him. This break up unfortunately only reinforced my already intense fear of abandonment my ex caused me to have.

I can feel you pain too. The hardest thing is that she twisted me wanting to be spend a few minutes with them both on her daughter’s birthday into something quite bizarre. She sent so many messages about how she valued being made to feel part of my family through my parents etc. life is not easy for her. She is estranged from all of her family who live in a different continent, apart from her mother who she speaks to very rarely. My family loved both my ex and her daughter. The person she dated before me had not made any effort to introduce her to family or friends. I knew that hurt her. He was off seeing other people and I believe went back to his ex wife. I understand it was her insecurity that led her to think I was seeing someone else. How on God’s earth she could contemplate that given I had explained the pain of my own experience of being on the receiving end of infidelity is beyond me. I didn’t introduce her to my family and friends and have her with them at Xmas to walk away. With the demands of my job, having to commute hours to and from work, spending every spare moment with them, I barely had time to do my own chores, Cook a meal, sort out my meals. I fit my schedule around hers. We spoke on the phone for hours after she got her little one to bed. She had sorted her day out by then. I had rarely even had time to cook or have a shower by then. There was no grief from me about that. I’m sure trauma does get in the way of things that might have otherwise been meant to be. She may need to find someone emotionally distant. I suspect most of the people that she meets with have their own children and will be juggling the responsibilities of being a parent with shared responsibility for their own children. I doubt she will find that any easier than a person who was trying to find the right way to fit into their lives without her having to deal with someone else’s child / children as well. She didn’t just lose me. She lost my parents who would have been there to support her and her daughter, my sister and her family who also treated her like family from the outset. I genuinely hope she can find a relationship with someone who she can have all that with. I hope she does find a man who can better run through the tiny opening between her insecurity and trauma - who can better manage the pull and push that came when she was dealing with things from her past that triggered her. I genuinely wish that for her.
 
When actions and words do not meet up believe the actions. People can suffer from both PTSD and NPD. Unfortunately there are some similar behaviours.....just driven by different things. Ultimately it doesn’t matter because the pain for the ex supporter and partner is the same.....and it is up to us to start having some compassion for ourselves and find a way to move forward.
 
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