Chronic Sneakiness

Killashandra

Confident
I need some help, I have a chronic need for being sneaky, and I do mean Chronic.
it usually centres around sexual acts, this includes but not exclusively, cheating, posting online, talking to guys online, sharing pictures etc.
It also stems to other quite normal things, like hiding lollies, spending money, retail therapy, friendships...
One of my current shameful acts is im trying to lose weight and i have paid good money for injections but i have lollies stashed in my room, which really defeats the purpose of the injections...

I am asking for help to open a discussion on what occurs in childhood to warrant such actions as adults.
Is it a part of PTSD? CPTSD? ADHD?

Sneakiness is an act of Avoidance, being sneaky comes down to " doing something that others would know you shouldn't be doing" or " fear of being recognized as being a Bad Person "

WE all have alot of internal struggles that stem from PTSD, I am slowly working through some more distasteful Coping Mechanisms but have avoided my incessant need to be private. This is a major issue i need to deal with to move on with my life with my husband.

I am viciously defendant when it comes to my phone, i say i value privacy but this is probably because i have things i need to hide. but why do i need to keep it private? why am i so scared to be honest and open? why cant i be open and discuss stuff with my husband? is this becasue i have a deep desire to always look like a good person, when deep down i know im not?


I have only just recently came to the realisation that i am actually an adult and i can and do have a say in my life, i can say No if i want. i dont need approval. ( major hurdles ) I have for the first real time in my life taken responsiblity for my actions and have tried very hard not to blame my loved ones for my actions. ie blaming my husband for my spending or blaming him for how i feel.
I actually do feel more like a adult than ever before.

But

I cant seem to stop being sneaky and private, if i cease being sneaky in one way, i find another way to do it, perhaps not as damaging as previous ones but sneaky none the less. This drives my huisband insane, so much so that our relationship has moved from Husband and Wife to housemates, He no longer want to invest emotionally in me as each time he does I betray him and its him that suffers for it, not me.

Does anyone else have to deal with this? what is your experience?
i have my psychologist tomorrow so this will be the topic of discussion to see if we can move this sabotaging behaviour
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i'm not too worried about which inbox to file it under, but avoidance/sneakiness is one of the symptoms i decided to train rather than cure. it is a trait which quite handy for staying out of fights, gathering information, planning pleasant surprises. etc., too handy to disregard, altogether. training myself to use the talent well allows me to maintain awareness of ways i use the talent badly while allowing myself room to channel those counterproductive uses. knowing when NOT to is the pinnacle of mastery.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I cant seem to stop being sneaky and private, if i cease being sneaky in one way, i find another way to do it, perhaps not as damaging as previous ones but sneaky none the less.
I've shifted your thread into Dysregulation, @Killashandra - as I think it's closer to what you're describing. It sounds like you are experiencing an uncontrollable urge to engage in forms of self-sabotage.

I need some help, I have a chronic need for being sneaky, and I do mean Chronic.
it usually centres around sexual acts, this includes but not exclusively, cheating, posting online, talking to guys online, sharing pictures etc.
It also stems to other quite normal things, like hiding lollies, spending money, retail therapy, friendships...
One of my current shameful acts is im trying to lose weight and i have paid good money for injections but i have lollies stashed in my room, which really defeats the purpose of the injections...

I am asking for help to open a discussion on what occurs in childhood to warrant such actions as adults.
Is it a part of PTSD? CPTSD? ADHD?
I'm curious about your own thoughts on the connection to childhood.

But also, I think it might be useful for you to identify what is going on when you feel the urge to engage in these behaviors. What thoughts you're having, or feelings you're experiencing. I know for myself that I've done a lot of what you describe - both acting out sexually, and acting against my own best interests in re: my finances, or attempts at weight loss (those last two are both pretty big for me right now). I've been recognizing that some of this is motivated by shame and/or fear.

Do you know what's happening in your mind, when you're at a crossroads of choosing maladaptive behavior vs choosing to do something that is in-line with your own goals?
 

Killashandra

Confident
I've shifted your thread into Dysregulation, @Killashandra - as I think it's closer to what you're describing. It sounds like you are experiencing an uncontrollable urge to engage in forms of self-sabotage
thank you, i wasnt too sure where it belonged.
I'm curious about your own thoughts on the connection to childhood.

I was thinking it might have something to do with several things,
1, The people pleaser in me, I had a Narc Mother who i was always trying to please, I was never good enough for her and she was always making me feel shameful for anything i did, she would encourage the family to do the same. also what was mine was hers, so any money or nice things i had were gradually taken from me, you know, for the good of the family. so hiding and sneakiness was the only way i had to actually keep things for myself. She was Jealous of me because i was a daddys girl, so she punished me by witholding any love or naturing. So i was afraid to be seen as weak or not good enough when in reality i was never going to be a daughter.

I would hide food to eat later, spend money, any money before she got to it, she cant "Borrow" it when i don't have it, Id buy Junk because anything nice was "Hers". Keeping my private life silent and hidden, She would regularly hit on my boyfriends and try to bed them. yes this started as soon as i introduce them to the family. not to mention bad mouth me incrediably to them, telling them i wasnt good enough for them etc,

2, The grooming aspect of being a CSA victim, i had to please him to any cost, the idea of being a good girl means i changed the thought process from what is right and what is wrong around to cope with the demands ie keeping secrets, not talking about it. It got to a stage where i actually felt like i liked it and was looking forward to private time with him, i got jealous when he lavished affection onto my mother and the other women he about with.... this is NOT something a 7,8,9 yr old girl should be feeling right? Just havng these thoughts are Wrong. i despise myself for it Shameful and degrading. weak.

I was introduced to Porn very early in life and due to the circumstnaces it was hidden and secret. Cheating was common place in the family, both parents cheated and as a child they thought thier secrets were safe wiith me, "now dont tell anyone" " this is our secret " " you want a Ice Cream, shhh" It was all shady and hidden, so naturally thats how i operate, hidden, sneaky, sly, cunning and self serving and morally weak.

3. Being good in the eyes of God. we were quite religious growing up and attended church every Sunday, as we all know, Sin is Bad! so in the eyes of God i was suppose to be a good girl and keep the facade of being a good girl to please God, my Parents, my Grandparents. i was told like many others that God can see through you and you had to be Good.

i dont know, im tired of being me, really, i try so hard but i keep falling down and i sabotage anything that might be considered as moving forward with life. simply put my inability to be honest and open and trusting is so flawed and messed up . I see honesty as a weakness, i have looked after myself for too long and know that vunerable people get hurt, to be honest means to trust and i dont trust anybody, not really, i say i do but i dont becasue eventuaally they will hurt me.
 

Sideways

Moderator
i sabotage anything that might be considered as moving forward with life
Do you feel like you deserve good things and living a great life?

I personally hate the phrase "acting out", but what it means in psycho-speak is the person is acting out their emotions. For example, instead of just feeling angry, a person may start smashing plates, which would be "acting out" their anger. Do you think that you might be acting out the shame that you feel internally?

Only reason I ask is shame has been an absolute monster for me to deal with in my recovery, and I definitely think a lot of my self-sabotaging behaviours were closely tied to putting the immense shame I was feeling into behaviours, if that makes sense?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I totally get it, because I do it. What I notice in your posts is a lot of labeling- "shameful", "bad", "sneaky", etc. Part of working on behaviors can be taking away, or changing the labels. That can take some of the power away from the behaviors and make them easier to manage.

I have only just recently came to the realisation that i am actually an adult and i can and do have a say in my life, i can say No if i want. i dont need approval. (

Yes. And you know what? That means, that if you want to have a lollie, even while trying to lose weight, you can. It's not shameful. It's simply a choice. That means you get to decide what *you* want to buy or who you want to talk to or how you engage in relationships.

this is NOT something a 7,8,9 yr old girl should be feeling right? Just havng these thoughts are Wrong. i despise myself for it Shameful and degrading. weak.

All children crave attention. And that means, that they can enjoy attention from abuser and want it. And children get jealous of attention being given to others. You were a child. You were groomed. You were reacted in a way many children of CSA have.
 

Friday

Moderator
Sneakiness is an act of Avoidance, being sneaky comes down to " doing something that others would know you shouldn't be doing" or " fear of being recognized as being a Bad Person "
Perhaps help fill the desire to be sneaky by using other definitions?

Just like taking inclinations that direct one towards unhealthy coping mechanisms & using those inclinations to find healthy coping mechanisms.

Because being sneaky can be a playful expression of joy, or an imaginative expression of honor, and many other things… instead of a fearful expression of shame.
 
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