Chunks of Memory Missing - How to Retrieve?

spinninghaze

New Here
Hello! I'm a twenty year old with diagnosed CPTSD. My therapist and I have acknowledged the fact that chunks of my memories frequently go missing. Sometimes, I remember my childhood in vivid detail, and others, I can't recall a thing. Sometimes, the memory issues leak into daily life and I can't recall anything that has happened earlier that morning.

This has started to become a bit of an issue in my journey of growth, because I get these really depressive moods where I border on suicidal. Then, the next minute, I'm fine and the memories are all fuzzy. My therapist has been asking how I've been doing, and I've been saying that I've been alright because I can't remember not being alright even though I know that a few days ago, I was incredibly depressed. She wants to know where I want to go in my therapy, and frankly, I don't know because I can't remember what triggers or brings on these moods. I feel at a bit of a loss, and it feels like the past few sessions have been empty, neither of us fully sure what the root of the issue is.

Has anyone had any experiences with this? Any advice to start to remembering? Or any idea what could be the root of this issue? I feel so stuck because I've tried writing down in the moment, but it's too hard when I'm in these states.
 

StillPen

Confident
This too, happens to me, so know you are not alone. I am much, much older than you, so that adds to my chunks of memory loss. For me, I will fall apart in deep depression during the morning and by the afternoon, be fine, with the morning events feeling like a distant fog, or little memory of it at all, like it didn't happen to mebor happenedto someone else. What has helped for me and it took a bit to get used to is to have a journal with me at all times and write, write, write. Even if it is one or two words in the moment, bullet points, or paragraphs if I'm able. I describe what I'm feeling, what I was just doing, if I was thinking about something in particular, etc. No rules, no judgement on myself. I will then read them to my T and we discuss. As I identify my triggers in daily life, it starts to bring up memories of my past that need to be remembered and processed. I have a computer journal, a phone journal, a hard copy journal and this forum. It has been a critical part of my progress and recovery. I hope that helps and I feel for you and your struggles.
 

spinninghaze

New Here
This too, happens to me, so know you are not alone. I am much, much older than you, so that adds to my chunks of memory loss. For me, I will fall apart in deep depression during the morning and by the afternoon, be fine, with the morning events feeling like a distant fog, or little memory of it at all, like it didn't happen to mebor happenedto someone else. What has helped for me and it took a bit to get used to is to have a journal with me at all times and write, write, write. Even if it is one or two words in the moment, bullet points, or paragraphs if I'm able. I describe what I'm feeling, what I was just doing, if I was thinking about something in particular, etc. No rules, no judgement on myself. I will then read them to my T and we discuss. As I identify my triggers in daily life, it starts to bring up memories of my past that need to be remembered and processed. I have a computer journal, a phone journal, a hard copy journal and this forum. It has been a critical part of my progress and recovery. I hope that helps and I feel for you and your struggles.
Thanks for your response! I really think the idea of keeping multiple, easily-accessible places to store notes, regardless of how quick they may be, is worth a shot.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Just stopped in to say : I agree with @StillPen. I have trouble with this too, and without knowing it’s a strategy, I’ve done the same - multiple journals in different places.

Have even written things down on scrap paper or napkins and then transferred it into a main journal.

it sounds to me like your memory method is a way your brain has discovered how to cope with things. There are medical reasons that can affect how your memory and focus works of course….so it’s good that you’re talking to your therapist about it.
I know how frustrating it can be, and you’re not alone with that!
 

spinninghaze

New Here
Thanks again for the support! I'll give your suggestions a shot. It definitely is frustrating, because it feels like I'm at a standstill with my growth since I can't figure out what's really wrong, I just know something's wrong. My therapist has suggested trying to identify my triggers, and it's a matter of remembering them!
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Some triggers are clear as day what they are and how they link to the past, whereas others can be very evasive and difficult to pin down.
In my case, there are multiple incidents and some of the triggers connect to each other (this can be confusing), over time it’s helped to jot down what’s going on and any reaction I can put to words (i.e. emotions: do they make sense in terms of the present situation? Are they too intense, is my behaviour too intense for the situation, or completely numb? Is the emotion misplaced?) I find emotions are massively challenging for me to identify and distinguish, so asking those questions give practice with tracking them.

There are also Apps that can help to track moods and you can enter in notes on what’s going on. Lots of tools out there!
And support in here.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Memories are tricky that way. If it's like trauma or it is trauma your head doesn't want to process it. So it hides it and other memories that triggered that memory.

That's why the complex title gets thrown in front of it. There is a spiderweb that has to be cleared up and touching that triggers something else.

There are also Apps that can help to track moods and you can enter in notes on what’s going on. Lots of tools out there!
The best plan!! The more you can get specific in therapy the more help your therapist is. Where you were, smells thoughts, what you were doing, watching , eating, are all little clues.
My trauma was drug up from three little words. "Oh my god" wasn't a lot to work with, but it was enough.
 
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