Relationship Claims he has never cared for me at all

A

Anonymous85

Hello everyone!
I’ve posted this in relationships but I am not currently with the guy I’m talking about here. I’ve been seeing him on and off for about three years. We corresponded when he was away for work and several times he has disappeared etc. I have told him many times that I wanted a relationship with him and it never worked out until in January I think we were officially together for a week lol he then broke it off abruptly saying he needed to focus on his therapy. He cut off all contact but then a few weeks later came back and decided to be just friends. Then he decided that we should be friends but without benefits. He had said he loved me a few times.

This week he told me that he has never cared about me, that he never did and did say and do everything out of manipulation. I agree that it would make sense to believe him. He has not treated me well. He had not treated me like someone in love. But o know that he feels unlovable and that he has done things in his past that make him feel unlovable. I think I just maybe really want to believe that he does care for me in some way and that it was not all for nothing but maybe it is true what he says.

should I believe his words or is it ptsd talking?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Hi - From what I'm reading in your post, you were having sex off and on for about 3 years. You were asking for more of a relationship, and he gave that a try for a week in January but cut it off, then came back awhile after that and said he wanted to be friends, then friends and no sexual relationship.

This week he told me that he has never cared about me, that he never did and did say and do everything out of manipulation.
This sounds like it's basically true - I'm guessing he cared about you as a friend and enjoyed having sex but wasn't ever looking for more than that, and you kept trying for it. That's nothing to do with PTSD, that's just relational.

You also sound like you never took "no" for an answer....Am I reading this wrong?
 

Friday

Moderator
When people tell you something unpleasant about themselves? In my experience, it’s usually true.

That doesn’t mean it’s the whole truth, but disregard it at your peril.

As an example? If I REALLY cared for someone that I knew wanted more out of me than I was willing or able to give? I’d say goodbye. It would hurt, and I would miss the role they filled in my life; but it also gives them the freedom to find someone to be happy with. So I don’t care enough about them to want them to be happy, more than I don’t want to hurt. That’s selfish, self centered, manipulative, unfair, and bottom line? I may like them, and I may have feelings for them, but I don’t care about them, and I certainly don’t trust them. Not enough to make their own decisions about their own life.

I haven’t done ^^^that^^^ since the last few times I was realizing I was doing it. Meaning it was a pattern that took me awhile to change, and I sure as hell did it to far too many people (1 is too many). In part? Because I’m almost compulsively honest I would TELL the blokes I was with where my head was at, and I’d let them convince me to stick around. Men tend to like the chase at least the men I tend to be with, so I don’t feel wholly awful about the whole thing, as they DID have the info I gave them. They just thought they could change my mind, or win my heart, or whatever. They never did. Not one. Because it wasn’t about them. It was about me. And where I was at? There was nooooo way in hell I could be in a relationship. I did learn to eventually just say goodbye. But it took hurting people I had no intention of hurting to learn that lesson.

He’s giving you unpleasant information about himself. Things you don’t want to hear, and don’t want to believe are true. That means I would listen really hard, and take a really good look at your own life and where you want it to go / what you want it to look like (not what you hope the two of you could etc so forth and so on). Nix the happy-happy “potential” IF ONLY that is focused on him... and look at you. What do you want? Is that what you have with him?
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
If someone told me they never cared about me, and it was manipulation, as much as it would hurt to hear those things, I would leave as fast as I could and deal with my hurt feelings. PTSD or not, to be told someone never cared about you is a truth none of us want to hear. But if he said, with his history, believe him.
 
A

Anonymous85

I agree that I deserve much better whether or not he means it but i keep analyzing it. the reason I was asking if it was ptsd is that he says that since is traumatic events happened he has not cared about anyone and loved and he thinks he is incapable of it.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
the reason I was asking if it was ptsd is that he says that since is traumatic events happened he has not cared about anyone and loved and he thinks he is incapable of it.

Emotional numbing is a symptom of PTSD, if that helps you process and move on. The thing to keep in mind though, is that this may never change about him. He may never be capable of feeling love.

I think a lot of supporters cling to that “when he gets better” fantasy. That’s a hard one to get over. I will still occasionally catch myself wondering what my partner would be like if he was “better”, but you just can’t live in that fantasy. Being with somebody who has PTSD is all reality all the time.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I want to add this because you said you keep analyzing this situation. The problem with that is that you are doing this exercise with a brain and experiences that do not look anything like his (or mine or anyone else with PTSD).

You are trying to make sense of something that many times WE can't make sense of. And when I am feeling pressure from someone to 'explain' myself it only adds stress and anxiety and then I get angry. This is why I made the decision many years ago to not get into another relationship. Not because I don't 'love' but because it is just so damned hard to explain to someone who has not experienced what we have to have them understand.

It's like you are speaking English and we are speaking a language that doesn't have a name. You can analyze it until the end of time and you will never understand because you have not experienced what he has to make him feel and think the way he does.

I am NOT condoning his behavior. I didn't play with people's emotions then ghost. I don't talk to people who have no idea what I'm talking about, because they try to 'understand'. And it just goes downhill from there.

God bless any supporter who stays with their loved one. BUT knows when to self care, when to back up, when to let us just go thru what we are going thru as long as it doesn't spash on you!! When to set boundaries and maintain them.

I personally do not have the commitment to relationships. Just adds more stress than I already have. The difference between me and your guy, I don't hurt others while I am finding out I just can't do it. He told you he can't, so he can't. Move ON !!!
 
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