Childhood COCSA At School - The devastating consequences of brushing off sexual harassment as 'normal boy things'


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i was SA'd, harassed, and stalked in elementary school. i'm afab.
i was in fifth grade, sad and excited that it was my last year at that school. there was this kid (I'll call him luke) who I had never known existed until that year. it started out with him just nagging me, asking for test answers, general annoying boy things.
then it gradually became him touching me on the shoulder, then the chest area, then thighs, and then groin.
then the first incident happened: i was in my ELA class, walking over to the bins that had our notebooks. luke came behind me and groped me on the breasts. i immediately knew that wasn't okay and turned around and shoved him back. i told him not to touch me and left it at that.
from then on he was everywhere i went, following me around at recess, sitting next to me at lunch, continuing to touch me.
the second event happened on some kind of field day and i was watching people in a relay race. i thought he was in one of the groups, so i wasn't too worried about him. he came up behind me and groped me on the butt.
i had told teachers, and nothing was done. they brushed it off as him doing normal boy things. it didn't feel right, and it never has.
the most prominent incident was a few weeks before winter break. i had asked to go to the restroom, teacher let me, I grabbed a pass and went. as I was walking into the restroom i heard someone behind me, and looked behind me. low and behold, it was luke. i told him he can't be in the girls restroom, and to leave. i turned back around and went to a stall. at that point he had sprinted to the stall and tried to yank it open. i was holding onto the handle for dear life, trying to keep it closed. eventually he got into the stall one way or another and shoved me against the door. he had locked it and then pulled down his pants, then mine, and tried to rape me. i was frozen in fear, but regained myself just fast enough to shove him off. he left and i closed the stall door and just sat and cried for a few minutes.
after that it went back to harassment.

i only recently told my mom about the almost raped part, as i was terrified. it hasn't even been a year. im still scared. i'm in therapy but its doing nothing. i already had diagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD prior to all the SA, and now I have CPTSD.
he was 11, i was 11 as well.
i know that him SAing me most likely meant he was going through this at home, but frankly, i can't give a f*ck. i feel self-centered for it and selfish, but im so terrified and angry that i can't bring myself to feel any pity for him. in fact, when i think about him, the most violent depictions of ways to murk him are the only thing that comes to mind. i feel guilty for it. maybe i wore something wrong, maybe i was mean. maybe i just existed in the wrong way. i'll never know.

the school board failed me. the only thing in place was a class change and a no contact arrangement.

they gave him a week of ISS.

i get years of trauma.

they sided with him because he said no.

i said no too. did he stop?
I'm so sorry this happened to you... what I hear is that you've been let down by a number of adults around you who should have kept you safe and despite you telling them, did nothing... 'Luke's' behaviour was abusive as f*ck (its good you feel angry and se it this way) and frankly I think you have grounds to go back to the school and inform them of their major failings... but that may be too difficult to do...

You did nothing wrong... not even one tiny detail of anything which happened was your fault... this is a child who was acting out what he needed to to get his own needs met (whether this was processing his own abuse or not), through force, persecution, threat and violence... nothing in that scenario has anything to do with what you did...

Regarding therapy, perhaps set yourself a time limit and if you feel it's still not working look for someone else... therapy can take a long time as well though... there are also different approaches to therapy you may want to consider... but also creative expression as an outlet or a sport may go towards helping rather than only lots of talking processing...

Go gently...