Childhood COCSA (Child on Child Sexual Abuse) I don't know what to do with this information.

Twedont

New Here
I have been remembering some things lately and I don't know if I am the perpetrator or not. But I think I am the perpetrator because I am older than my cousin and I am not sure of others. There are so many things I don't remember, so there might be some inaccuracies.

I have always heard that most abusers in cocsa are usually influenced but I think I wasn't. The only situation I can say I was groomed was when my aunt(she is 6 or 7 years older than me) will come to my home and bath with I and my elder sisters who are twins and 3 years older than me. I remember that we would rub each others body but not anything too sexual. I also remember, being exposed to sexual contents and seeing my parents having sex.

I don't know when the cocsa started but I remember being 6/7 and I and my classmate playing with our private parts (no penetration). I can't determine who started it first because I can't remember. But I remember that I never protested to it.

Another scenerio is kissing a boy I was about 2 years older than at my mom's shop. It stopped there.

Another one was when I and my neighbours children touched each other. They are two sisters. I don't remember their ages but I do know I was older than the younger sister. We would touch our private parts and I can't remember what led to all this. I just remembered that we did it. I don't remember how long it went for.

Another is between I and my cousin who is three and eight months younger than me. I don't remember the things we did together but I felt that we did things together. The only one I remember is trying out something I watched on a movie with her. This action with my cousin made me believe I am the perpetrator. Since then I stopped any sexual activity, which was when I was 12.

Right now, I don't know if these actions contributed to my life negatively(I am 23 now). I hate people's touch, I swore off relationships because I can't stand being intimate with someone. I haven't had sex before and hate the idea of having one, so still a virgin. I know have PTSD even though I haven't visited a therapist before. I am awkward with witnessing a sexual activity whether in a movie or in real life but okay when I read it in a novel. I have turned into a recluse and don't like associating with people. But I usually think: why do I feel like this or I shouldn't be feeling like this when I am the perpetrator.

Sometimes I also wonder if I am the cause that my cousin is a hypersexual person. I am not sure but just the way she behaves made me determine that and I know she is on porn groups.

It's as if I need someone to sort out my thoughts for me and give me an answer because I don't understand.

Sometimes I just feel like a slut when I think that I did it with four different people. Not remembering much also adds to the frustration and guilt.
 

Friday

Moderator
I know have PTSD even though I haven't visited a therapist before
Because, at 23, with no formal education, training, or experience in trauma.. much less 12 years of school, medical school, and internship… CLEARLY you did a thorough DDX and ruled out every other possibility much less strong possibility.

None of which means that you don’t have PTSD, you may… but seeeeeriously… did you know that most of what you shared falls under “completely normal” early childhood experience. &/or that there are half a dozen common misdiagnoses for PTSD, and a couple dozen very possible related dx’s?

Are you pissed off, yet?

Good.

Get pissed off enough to take your brain -and your life- seriously.

Give it the same attention you would give a sore throat, or boo boo that needs stitches, AND SEE SOMEONE who is actually qualified to help you.

Yes. It will takes months.

Yes. It will be expensive as hell. ($700 min, just for bubble testing, severaL thousand for the medical work without insurance; or several more weeks/months on waiting lists if you get free healthcare w/ patience).

But it’s your brain. And your life. And deserves more respect than you’d give to the local OpEd, inspiring tweet, or exciting/infuriating prospect.
 

Twedont

New Here
Because, at 23, with no formal education, training, or experience in trauma.. much less 12 years of school, medical school, and internship… CLEARLY you did a thorough DDX and ruled out every other possibility much less strong possibility.

None of which means that you don’t have PTSD, you may… but seeeeeriously… did you know that most of what you shared falls under “completely normal” early childhood experience. &/or that there are half a dozen common misdiagnoses for PTSD, and a couple dozen very possible related dx’s?

Are you pissed off, yet?

Good.

Get pissed off enough to take your brain -and your life- seriously.

Give it the same attention you would give a sore throat, or boo boo that needs stitches, AND SEE SOMEONE who is actually qualified to help you.

Yes. It will takes months.

Yes. It will be expensive as hell. ($700 min, just for bubble testing, severaL thousand for the medical work without insurance; or several more weeks/months on waiting lists if you get free healthcare w/ patience).

But it’s your brain. And your life. And deserves more respect than you’d give to the local OpEd, inspiring tweet, or exciting/infuriating prospect.
To be sincere, I don't understand what you just wrote. Like, I literally don't understand.

Because, at 23, with no formal education, training, or experience in trauma.. much less 12 years of school, medical school, and internship… CLEARLY you did a thorough DDX and ruled out every other possibility much less strong possibility.

None of which means that you don’t have PTSD, you may… but seeeeeriously… did you know that most of what you shared falls under “completely normal” early childhood experience. &/or that there are half a dozen common misdiagnoses for PTSD, and a couple dozen very possible related dx’s?

Are you pissed off, yet?

Good.

Get pissed off enough to take your brain -and your life- seriously.

Give it the same attention you would give a sore throat, or boo boo that needs stitches, AND SEE SOMEONE who is actually qualified to help you.

Yes. It will takes months.

Yes. It will be expensive as hell. ($700 min, just for bubble testing, severaL thousand for the medical work without insurance; or several more weeks/months on waiting lists if you get free healthcare w/ patience).

But it’s your brain. And your life. And deserves more respect than you’d give to the local OpEd, inspiring tweet, or exciting/infuriating prospect.
Are you saying I should not diagnose myself, visit a therapist and stop thinking into it too much and get out of my head?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Are you saying I should not diagnose myself
Yes, that's what @Friday is saying.
visit a therapist
Yes. And bear in mind that not all therapists are qualified to offer a diagnosis; so, research what level of licensed mental health practitioner is qualified to diagnose (where you live). See someone who has the training and experience to help you.
and stop thinking into it too much and get out of my head?
Also, yes.
I don't know when the cocsa started but I remember being 6/7 and I and my classmate playing with our private parts (no penetration). I can't determine who started it first because I can't remember. But I remember that I never protested to it.
This is not automatically child-on-child sexual abuse. Children, yes. Sex organs, yes. Abuse? Not clear at all.

But once you make that assumption, everything will begin to look like abuse.

Clearly, you're struggling and upset about how these events have impacted your life... And that's enough reason to go and see someone who can really help you, not start trying to figure this out on your own (with the help of the internet).
It's as if I need someone to sort out my thoughts for me and give me an answer because I don't understand.
A good therapist will give you a framework to help you find the answer for yourself. It takes some trial and error to find the right one. But in your particular situation, I would strongly recommend you seek professional help.

A qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, or upper-level therapist with diagnostic qualifications can give you an assessment, based on an extensive interview and questionnaire process.
 

Twedont

New Here
Yes, that's what @Friday is saying.

Yes. And bear in mind that not all therapists are qualified to offer a diagnosis; so, research what level of licensed mental health practitioner is qualified to diagnose (where you live). See someone who has the training and experience to help you.

Also, yes.

This is not automatically child-on-child sexual abuse. Children, yes. Sex organs, yes. Abuse? Not clear at all.

But once you make that assumption, everything will begin to look like abuse.

Clearly, you're struggling and upset about how these events have impacted your life... And that's enough reason to go and see someone who can really help you, not start trying to figure this out on your own (with the help of the internet).

A good therapist will give you a framework to help you find the answer for yourself. It takes some trial and error to find the right one. But in your particular situation, I would strongly recommend you seek professional help.

A qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, or upper-level therapist with diagnostic qualifications can give you an assessment, based on an extensive interview and questionnaire process.
Okay. Thank you so much. Right now, I don't have the means to get a psychiatrist. If you don't have money, no psychiatrist. Thank you so much for the advice.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yes, that's what @Friday is saying.

Yes. And bear in mind that not all therapists are qualified to offer a diagnosis; so, research what level of licensed mental health practitioner is qualified to diagnose (where you live). See someone who has the training and experience to help you.

Also, yes.

This is not automatically child-on-child sexual abuse. Children, yes. Sex organs, yes. Abuse? Not clear at all.

But once you make that assumption, everything will begin to look like abuse.

Clearly, you're struggling and upset about how these events have impacted your life... And that's enough reason to go and see someone who can really help you, not start trying to figure this out on your own (with the help of the internet).

A good therapist will give you a framework to help you find the answer for yourself. It takes some trial and error to find the right one. But in your particular situation, I would strongly recommend you seek professional help.

A qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, or upper-level therapist with diagnostic qualifications can give you an assessment, based on an extensive interview and questionnaire
Because, at 23, with no formal education, training, or experience in trauma.. much less 12 years of school, medical school, and internship… CLEARLY you did a thorough DDX and ruled out every other possibility much less strong possibility.

None of which means that you don’t have PTSD, you may… but seeeeeriously… did you know that most of what you shared falls under “completely normal” early childhood experience. &/or that there are half a dozen common misdiagnoses for PTSD, and a couple dozen very possible related dx’s?

Are you pissed off, yet?

Good.

Get pissed off enough to take your brain -and your life- seriously.

Give it the same attention you would give a sore throat, or boo boo that needs stitches, AND SEE SOMEONE who is actually qualified to help you.

Yes. It will takes months.

Yes. It will be expensive as hell. ($700 min, just for bubble testing, severaL thousand for the medical work without insurance; or several more weeks/months on waiting lists if you get free healthcare w/ patience).

But it’s your brain. And your life. And deserves more respect than you’d give to the local OpEd, inspiring tweet, or exciting/infuriating prospect.
It’s not completely normal.

Yes, that's what @Friday is saying.

Yes. And bear in mind that not all therapists are qualified to offer a diagnosis; so, research what level of licensed mental health practitioner is qualified to diagnose (where you live). See someone who has the training and experience to help you.

Also, yes.

This is not automatically child-on-child sexual abuse. Children, yes. Sex organs, yes. Abuse? Not clear at all.

But once you make that assumption, everything will begin to look like abuse.

Clearly, you're struggling and upset about how these events have impacted your life... And that's enough reason to go and see someone who can really help you, not start trying to figure this out on your own (with the help of the internet).

A good therapist will give you a framework to help you find the answer for yourself. It takes some trial and error to find the right one. But in your particular situation, I would strongly recommend you seek professional help.

A qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, or upper-level therapist with diagnostic qualifications can give you an assessment, based on an extensive interview and questionnaire process.
Why don’t you think its automatically cocoa? It automatically points to it imo and my therapist who is a specialist would concur .

Okay. Thank you so much. Right now, I don't have the means to get a psychiatrist. If you don't have money, no psychiatrist. Thank you so much for the advice.
I hope you find someone who can help you with sorting this out it’s extremely difficult. Finding qualified trauma therapy is practically impossible in my opinion.
Thank you for posting . Many survivors never make it as far as you have .
 
Last edited by a moderator:

joeylittle

Administrator
Why don’t you think its automatically cocoa? It automatically points to it imo and my therapist who is a specialist would concur .
I was very specifically responding to this statement:
I don't know when the cocsa started but I remember being 6/7 and I and my classmate playing with our private parts (no penetration). I can't determine who started it first because I can't remember. But I remember that I never protested to it.
The OP doesn't say they experienced it as abuse, doesn't refer to discomfort, or internal conflict of any kind. The OP didn't include anything about their subjective experience except remembering that they didn't protest.

You might be assuming "didn't protest" means that they were uncomfortable. I'm not making that assumption.

If they WERE uncomfortable, on ANY level - if there was guilt, or shame, or fear, or even a feeling they can't name....that would start to make the story different.

But the OP didn't say how they felt. Therefore it's not automatically abuse, just because it involved private parts. And it could have been abuse WITHOUT involving private parts. I think people do themselves a disservice when they abuse has to involve the groin area. That's all.
 
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