• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood COCSA-I’m feeling guilt and shame

Status
Not open for further replies.

Apple-nacho1

New Here
When I was in first grade, my neighbor told me that she wanted to show me something. I trusted her because she was friends with my sisters and she’s also the older sister of my friend. She was a high schooler.

She took me a dark room. She tied my hair and undressed me. Then she wrapped a towel around me and told me to lay on the ground. I did but I was confused. She told me that this was playing but I can’t tell anyone about it. She got on top of me and rub her private part on mine (going back and forth. No penetration). She kissed me and my neck. After 10 minutes or so she told me to put my clothes on and told me to not tell anyone.

I can’t remember if it happened one more time again after that. But that was the first and only time I remember.

I thought that was normal and it was playing. I learned that doing what she did felt good which now I realized it was an orgasm. I started doing it to my neighbor friend (2 times). She was a year younger than me. Her parents weren’t home. I asked her if she wanted to play and she said yes. We got naked and I lay on top of her and did what high schooler girl did. The second time her brother walked in on us. We got dressed. I went home and I was too scared to ever go there again.

After that, there was my niece. We were the same age. Whenever I go over. We play house and we locked the door. I get on top of her and we just make out for a few minutes. It happened less than 5 times. She started doing it to my younger niece. They got caught by their grandma (my sister’s MIL). My younger niece told them that they were having sex. I heard my sister yelling out mom about it. That’s when I learned the term sex.

I grew out of it. I felt disgusted and shame. Everything started feeling like a big dark secret I carried.

Sometimes I get random flashbacks about what the high schooler did to me and what I did my neighbor and my niece. I still feel a lot of disgust, guilt, and shame of myself. I hate myself. I feel like I do not deserve to be love at all.
 
When I was in first grade, my neighbor told me that she wanted to show me something. I trusted her because she was friends with my sisters and she’s also the older sister of my friend. She was a high schooler.

She took me a dark room. She tied my hair and undressed me. Then she wrapped a towel around me and told me to lay on the ground. I did but I was confused. She told me that this was playing but I can’t tell anyone about it. She got on top of me and rub her private part on mine (going back and forth. No penetration). She kissed me and my neck. After 10 minutes or so she told me to put my clothes on and told me to not tell anyone.

I can’t remember if it happened one more time again after that. But that was the first and only time I remember.

I thought that was normal and it was playing. I learned that doing what she did felt good which now I realized it was an orgasm. I started doing it to my neighbor friend (2 times). She was a year younger than me. Her parents weren’t home. I asked her if she wanted to play and she said yes. We got naked and I lay on top of her and did what high schooler girl did. The second time her brother walked in on us. We got dressed. I went home and I was too scared to ever go there again.

After that, there was my niece. We were the same age. Whenever I go over. We play house and we locked the door. I get on top of her and we just make out for a few minutes. It happened less than 5 times. She started doing it to my younger niece. They got caught by their grandma (my sister’s MIL). My younger niece told them that they were having sex. I heard my sister yelling out mom about it. That’s when I learned the term sex.

I grew out of it. I felt disgusted and shame. Everything started feeling like a big dark secret I carried.

Sometimes I get random flashbacks about what the high schooler did to me and what I did my neighbor and my niece. I still feel a lot of disgust, guilt, and shame of myself. I hate myself. I feel like I do not deserve to be love at all.
Hi @Apple-nacho1 ... welcome to the forum 😊... this is a good place to vent, ask questions, hear others opinions on similar things you've been through...

I'm just gonna post a video resource i think you may find useful from your perspective of being abused by another child... but it could potentially be a bit triggering for any part of you who struggles with having enacted out with others what was done to you - so just be mindful...

For anyone struggling with COCSA (I'm passionate about spreading this affirming and validating video given the unbelievable lack of resources out there on the topic) see her video below:

You are someone who has experienced COCSA as you've defined this yourself... there was a breakdown in trust, an obvious power imbalance going on, and multiple boundaries crossed ... and I hear from you too that you carry difficult feelings having enacted the same acts done to you on other kids (but you were unaware of what this was)...

the shame and guilt you feel is, unfortunately natural and normal .. but.... it's not healthy for you... can you get to a therapist to work on your feelings around this experience and how it's effecting you now? Shame has a horrible habit of spreading and influtrating many areas of our lives if left untreated and free to roam where it likes... the sooner you can get support for what has brought you here, the better if that's possible...

if you don't have access to a T, this forum is good... and there are many videos on YouTube looking at feelings of shame/ guilt and what to do about it too...(again Kati Morton among others)...

At the end of the day, someone did something to you they shouldn't have done and that had repercussions which are still reverberating for you today (and which I suspect could continue to unless you try to get support to work through it all)...

Take good care of yourself and go gently
 
Another post i think you'll find useful from the point of view of being a child who tried to process what happened to you on others....


I personally don't agree with some of what this guy says in relation to MY OWN cocsa experience.. and in relation to some other circumstances he mentions.... but what he said says may resonate for you in a helpful way... hope so
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top