Sexual Assault COCSA?

[k4waiiari]

I don't remember how old I was but I was for sure 6 or 7. My cousin was a girl and 2 years older than me. She would touch me every time I went over to her house. It confused me to what she was doing, but my body enjoyed it. It was something we both knew not to mention. She never threatened or told me not to say anything, it was something we've never talked of outside of the moment. This happened for about a year. After this, I became hypersexual, started to get male validation from online people and I basically grew up on the internet. I would watch porn from ages 8-12. I know this is one way things have impacted me, but I don't know if this the only way I was affected.

I began a relationship with a boy from elementary at age 9-12. I would display acts of sexual nature from the age 10. At the same time I was on the internet talking to older men and watching things I shouldn't have been watching.

I have put my parents through a lot with my behaviors. I have always been the trouble child. I have been getting in trouble since 5th grade: from stealing devices, to talking to the boyfriend I had at school, the messages I would be sending him. My parents do everything to keep me out of this behavior but I choose the wrong path everytime.

To this day I occasionally get in trouble but when I do, it is extreme and the mistake I make is extreme. My parents are not surprised everytime I mess up, but they are still trying my mom says she is on the verge of giving up on me. Currently I am 16 and struggle with depression and anxiety. I am sexually promiscuous but only with people I know and are "friends" with. I had a boyfriend but I messed it up for us because of my depression. I still love him so much and he puts up and encourages me to get better. I love him so much and I really feel a future with him and I just wanna fix myself and finally stop being messed up. I know my parents are disappointed with me because of the harm i've caused. Is this the result of COCSA or is it something else wrong with me? I really need answers. Thank you in advance.

 

[Sideways]

She never threatened or told me not to say anything, it was something we've never talked of outside of the moment. This happened for about a year.

To be honest, this sounds like the kind of experimentation that the majority kids try out around this age.

It’s very sad to me that society still somehow leaves us convicted this sort of behaviour is shameful or abnormal. Because it’s the most normal thing in the world.

If you didn’t feel threatened, or coerced, if there was no power imbalance issue going on - it’s okay to be distressed about it. But don’t feel obliged to feel distressed about it.

Truth is? Most of your friends started finding ways to investigate their sex organs and sexual feelings at about the same age. If you were able to do it safely with the support of a good friend? That’s could just as easily be looked back on as a good learning experience.

I would watch porn from ages 8-12. I know this is one way things have impacted me, but I don't know if this the only way I was affected.

It devastates what kids get exposed to on the internet from young ages. This potentially shaped your feelings, beliefs and certainly your self concept around sexuality in ways that weren’t necessarily helpful.

You may find some quality support for this on youth-focused mental health forum, because it’s a common traumatic experience for young people in particular, and being able to talk to peers about it might be really helpful for you in tackling some of the shame your battling.

I have always been the trouble child. I have been getting in trouble since 5th grade: from stealing devices, to talking to the boyfriend I had at school, the messages I would be sending him. My parents do everything to keep me out of this behavior but I choose the wrong path everytime.

This is an incredibly powerful, and very negative, narrative to live with about “who you are”. I wonder to what extent this is shaped by things you’ve actually done, in contrast with standards the community has ‘taught’ you, and the narrative that your family (particularly your parents) have about who you are.

Sometimes those narratives become even bigger and more powerful than the things that actually make up the substance of who you are.

Are you really a ‘black sheep’? Are there other ways you could describe yourself? Every single well-balanced teenager I’ve ever met experimented hard with their own independence and experiences in their teens. That doesn’t make a bad person, or a problem, or a disappointment. None of those types of labels define who you are.

It sounds like life is pretty tough for you right now, and you deserve some real world support with that. Are there resources that your school can direct you to?

 

[mamachick]

Sideways, you said exactly what I was thinking but you said it much better than I could have.

One thing I might add is that sexual addiction is shame based. (Not saying you have a sexual addiction) Yet the shame and guilt that may be felt following these behaviors can actually cause them to be repeated. ( Im so grateful I and my children grew up without lots of internet.)

As a parent, I know that our opinions and expectations can really do a number on our kids, not intentionally but none the less.

As a teenager, I lived with an older sister and her husband and 3 kids. Her husband was so strict, that I knew if I did anything really wrong, I would be sent away. Once I was sent to live with another relative for a year over talking back. Anyway, I towed the line a lot. I felt like I was a problem just because I didnt think like them and was struggling for autonomy. I moved out as soon as I could. Over the years, I learned I was not the problem. As their kids became teens, they were in all kinds of trouble, then came a divorce, then it was a free for all for the teens. They were set in their ways.


Since I thought I was the problem, I searched, got counseling, failed sometimes but got back up. I did a much better job raising my 3 children than they did theirs, because I had realistic expectations, not expecting some perfection and being condescending and unsupportive.

You are only 16. I hope you can change the narrative about yourself. You are NOT your behavior, and Im sure your behavior is not consistently poor choices. If you can not find support thru school, can you ask your parents for some individual counseling. At this time in your life you deserve to have a support system and a person that will advocate for you and help you define yourself in a more positive light.

 

[beaneeboo]

I don't remember how old I was but I was for sure 6 or 7. My cousin was a girl and 2 years older than me. She would touch me every time I went over to her house. It confused me to what she was doing, but my body enjoyed it. It was something we both knew not to mention. She never threatened or told me not to say anything, it was something we've never talked of outside of the moment.

Cocsa really is a complex and confusing topic. And the hard thing about it often is knowing whether the actual event was traumatic, in whatever way, at the time, or whether, with a growing understanding of what is considered 'bad' sexually (socially) whether we then start to reframe our experiences in the light of others' opinions about what's normal, what's not, what's abuse, what's not ..

Without trying to be too philosophical about it, in a way, it doesn't matter. As Gabor Maté says, 'Trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you'...Ie, it's how you relate to and what you make of what happened to you that matters.

With any childhood abuse, it can be so hard to ascertain a) what actually happened, and b) what we think/ feel about it because of that poor connection to memory - esp if they are traumatic. I've been in the same position you are to try to understand whether some things which happened to me were abuse or not. And the truth is, no one here can give you that answer. A therapist can help guide you in deciding how you frame that experience though.

I think there are different ways to look at your experience in relation to whether it caused a knock-on effect for you later on with other sexual behaviours / general behaviour. But I'll get to that in a minute.

My first thought is there is more going here that whether what your cousin did was abusive and caused further effects. For everything else you've described plus how you talk about yourself, I would hazard a guess that the environment you grew up wasn't as safe and secure as it could have been...

started to get male validation from online people and I basically grew up on the internet. I would watch porn from ages 8-12. I know this is one way things have impacted me, but I don't know if this the only way I was affected.

Who was managing the Internet and your computer use at this age? You shouldn't have had access to be able to do this. This isn't on you, it's on the adults who should have been caring for you.

I began a relationship with a boy from elementary at age 9-12. I would display acts of sexual nature from the age 10. At the same time I was on the internet talking to older men and watching things I shouldn't have been watching.

As I said above, where were the adults looking out for you?

I have put my parents through a lot with my behaviors.

possibly you were asking for help in the only way you knew how? Esp if this wasn't provided as it should have been from a parentor trusted adult?

I have always been the trouble child. I have been getting in trouble since 5th grade: from stealing devices, to talking to the boyfriend I had at school, the messages I would be sending him. My parents do everything to keep me out of this behavior but I choose the wrong path everytime.

You're young... so I would argue you choosing the paths you took weren't always necessarily to do with choice... sounds like you did it out of necessity...

Currently I am 16 and struggle with depression and anxiety.

I'm sorry this sounds hard. I hope you can get support and connect with someone to help. Maybe the way you're feeling is very much to do with the trouble you say you create. Sounds to me like you need compassion.

Is this the result of COCSA or is it something else wrong with me? I really need answers. Thank you in advance.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you..I think you're struggling and you're trying to understand what that struggle is and why you're struggling... and that in itself at your age is actually admirable... and very mature...

You're asking if the cocsa is responsible for some of how you feel or behave now... it could be...it may not be or it may only be partially the case...I think only you can work through that and decide...

Part of what you describe in your experience talks of hiding what your cousin did... that speaks of secrecy... secrecy is a very big part of feeling shameful (trying to hide a wrong- doing) etc... so even though you weren't being forced or hurt into it, you both felt on some level that what was happening wouldn't be accepted by adults... that it was wrong and should be hidden in some way..it went on for a year (that's a LONG time for a kid to hold a secret) ..And your cousin was 2 years older than you, which at that age, is alot... so there was a power differential there because she had more knowledge than you and convinced you to do something which she wanted to do... which involved by the sounds of it sexual violation (because of the effects you describe e.g hypersexual arousal)..Was that abusive? Only you can decide that. But maybe we're not looking at whether it abuse or not but how could that experience could have set you up for further things which happened later on?

The secrecy was well established by the time you started using the Internet so one way it may have impacted is that it was a normalised thing to be doing because you were used to it (hiding things of a sexual nature) already. But let me be clear - that wasn't your fault but the lack of adequate adult supervision and protection in your life.

Another way in which the cocsa may potentially have impacted is the fact you say ...

This happened for about a year. After this, I became hypersexual

This may or may not be significant. But if you feel aged 7/8 you were hypersexual after a year of your cousin touching you, I think think could be significant. Yes young children do touch each other as part of normal sexual exploration. But usually not in such a systematic and consistent way. And not usually to create or gain sexual pleasure (if that was her aim). Whatever her intention was though, your body responded and it looks like it developed into hypersexual arousal for you when she wasn't around. And this I would say could be a clue that the original COCSA experience had quite a profound impact on your body. As it's not usual for a child of that age to be hyper sexual... those are very big feelings (too big) for a 7/8 year old to be holding...

So together with the lack of adequate parental or adult care in your life around the Internet you searched to keep processing these big sexual feelings... and then the rest followed which likely went on to cause other traumatic responses...

So I think you have ALOT to unpack with a therapist, including the dynamics in your home when you were young and what appears to be a lack of protection so these things couldn't happen to you... plus the original events which happened...

Find a good therapist who is well versed in trauma, and also sexual abuse and preferably cocsa- you'll need someone who can really un pack it. Believe me there are few therapists out there who understand COCSA!! So make sure you ask them if they have experience in dealing with that.

Good luck to you - I think it's incredible how young you are and you're wanting to work through this... Big well done to you

 

[k4waiiari]

To be honest, this sounds like the kind of experimentation that the majority kids try out around this age.

It’s very sad to me that society still somehow leaves us convicted this sort of behaviour is shameful or abnormal. Because it’s the most normal thing in the world.

If you didn’t feel threatened, or coerced, if there was no power imbalance issue going on - it’s okay to be distressed about it. But don’t feel obliged to feel distressed about it.

Truth is? Most of your friends started finding ways to investigate their sex organs and sexual feelings at about the same age. If you were able to do it safely with the support of a good friend? That’s could just as easily be looked back on as a good learning experience.

It devastates what kids get exposed to on the internet from young ages. This potentially shaped your feelings, beliefs and certainly your self concept around sexuality in ways that weren’t necessarily helpful.

You may find some quality support for this on youth-focused mental health forum, because it’s a common traumatic experience for young people in particular, and being able to talk to peers about it might be really helpful for you in tackling some of the shame your battling.

This is an incredibly powerful, and very negative, narrative to live with about “who you are”. I wonder to what extent this is shaped by things you’ve actually done, in contrast with standards the community has ‘taught’ you, and the narrative that your family (particularly your parents) have about who you are.

Sometimes those narratives become even bigger and more powerful than the things that actually make up the substance of who you are.

Are you really a ‘black sheep’? Are there other ways you could describe yourself? Every single well-balanced teenager I’ve ever met experimented hard with their own independence and experiences in their teens. That doesn’t make a bad person, or a problem, or a disappointment. None of those types of labels define who you are.

It sounds like life is pretty tough for you right now, and you deserve some real world support with that. Are there resources that your school can direct you to?

I have never talked to my school for resources, instead my mom has continued to support me even through all the trouble I put her through. I am enrolled in CBT. She's on the brink of giving up on me as she has told me already.
I was thinking that as well that it sounds like maybe we were experimenting, but the thing is I asked her about 2 years ago if she remembered what she did to me, but she told me that she didn't at all. She also told me that she blocked out a lot of her childhood because she never lived in an ideal household. She also told me her older brother abused her when she was little and that's kind of what told me that it wasn't normal "experimenting".
I sure do feel like a 'black sheep'. I've yet to meet someone that has also been through a similar event as me. Of course everyone's different but I long to find a community where at least SOMEONE has gone to a somewhat similar situation as me. Thank you for listening and responding thoughtfully. It means a lot to me.

 

[Sideways]

She's on the brink of giving up on me as she has told me already.

I’m sorry that your mum said this too you. Parents should never ‘give up’ on their children. Especially when they’re still so young.

It sounds a lot like this has more to do with your mum’s relationship with herself than you and your choices and struggles.

I sure do feel like a 'black sheep'. I've yet to meet someone that has also been through a similar event as me.

Your experiences are unique.

But that doesn’t make you a bad or defective person in any way.

It sounds like you’ve heard yourself being categorised as a ‘black sheep’ for a long time. How do you feel about the idea that maybe you’re not a ‘black sheep’, but rather a special and loveable individual who deserves support, love and compassion as much as anyone else?

 

[k4waiiari]

Sideways, you said exactly what I was thinking but you said it much better than I could have.

One thing I might add is that sexual addiction is shame based. (Not saying you have a sexual addiction) Yet the shame and guilt that may be felt following these behaviors can actually cause them to be repeated. ( Im so grateful I and my children grew up without lots of internet.)

As a parent, I know that our opinions and expectations can really do a number on our kids, not intentionally but none the less.

As a teenager, I lived with an older sister and her husband and 3 kids. Her husband was so strict, that I knew if I did anything really wrong, I would be sent away. Once I was sent to live with another relative for a year over talking back. Anyway, I towed the line a lot. I felt like I was a problem just because I didnt think like them and was struggling for autonomy. I moved out as soon as I could. Over the years, I learned I was not the problem. As their kids became teens, they were in all kinds of trouble, then came a divorce, then it was a free for all for the teens. They were set in their ways.


Since I thought I was the problem, I searched, got counseling, failed sometimes but got back up. I did a much better job raising my 3 children than they did theirs, because I had realistic expectations, not expecting some perfection and being condescending and unsupportive.

You are only 16. I hope you can change the narrative about yourself. You are NOT your behavior, and Im sure your behavior is not consistently poor choices. If you can not find support thru school, can you ask your parents for some individual counseling. At this time in your life you deserve to have a support system and a person that will advocate for you and help you define yourself in a more positive light.

are NOT your behavior, and Im sure your behavior is not consistently poor choices. If you can not find support thru school, can you ask your parents for some individual counseling. At this time in your life you deserve to have a support system and a person that will advocate for you and help you define yourself in a more positive light.

Thank you for this response. It feels really nice to hear this from a mom herself.
My mom did have to grow up fast as she had a child at 14. (not me but my older sister) My mom is still a very successful person and the smartest person I know. I hate disappointing her, but I also want to have my own experiences and go my own way. But I know that's not right because ever since I was little I would always steal devices, and from 5th-8th grade I was ALWAYS grounded/getting in trouble for super extreme things. and not age appropriate. I've tried to redeem myself with my mom and have the best relationship I can with her, but of course I mess things up and I want to do my own thing instead of listening to my mom. She understands I am a teen and I'm not gonna listen at sometimes, but she feels I am going way too far especially with the things I have done. And she isn't wrong, I have messed up horribly ALL the time. But I also feel like there is something wrong with me and the way I am and that is why i STILL continue this behavior. However, I really am trying to find the source of my behavior and why I act out horribly. Acting out includes: sexually, stealing from stores, trying and smoking weed(not daily more like bi weekly), not listening to my parents about their advice, continuing to do whatever I want and ignore their rules.

 

[k4waiiari]

Cocsa really is a complex and confusing topic. And the hard thing about it often is knowing whether the actual event was traumatic, in whatever way, at the time, or whether, with a growing understanding of what is considered 'bad' sexually (socially) whether we then start to reframe our experiences in the light of others' opinions about what's normal, what's not, what's abuse, what's not ..

Without trying to be too philosophical about it, in a way, it doesn't matter. As Gabor Maté says, 'Trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you'...Ie, it's how you relate to and what you make of what happened to you that matters.

With any childhood abuse, it can be so hard to ascertain a) what actually happened, and b) what we think/ feel about it because of that poor connection to memory - esp if they are traumatic. I've been in the same position you are to try to understand whether some things which happened to me were abuse or not. And the truth is, no one here can give you that answer. A therapist can help guide you in deciding how you frame that experience though.

I think there are different ways to look at your experience in relation to whether it caused a knock-on effect for you later on with other sexual behaviours / general behaviour. But I'll get to that in a minute.

My first thought is there is more going here that whether what your cousin did was abusive and caused further effects. For everything else you've described plus how you talk about yourself, I would hazard a guess that the environment you grew up wasn't as safe and secure as it could have been...

Who was managing the Internet and your computer use at this age? You shouldn't have had access to be able to do this. This isn't on you, it's on the adults who should have been caring for you.

As I said above, where were the adults looking out for you?

possibly you were asking for help in the only way you knew how? Esp if this wasn't provided as it should have been from a parentor trusted adult?

You're young... so I would argue you choosing the paths you took weren't always necessarily to do with choice... sounds like you did it out of necessity...

I'm sorry this sounds hard. I hope you can get support and connect with someone to help. Maybe the way you're feeling is very much to do with the trouble you say you create. Sounds to me like you need compassion.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you..I think you're struggling and you're trying to understand what that struggle is and why you're struggling... and that in itself at your age is actually admirable... and very mature...

You're asking if the cocsa is responsible for some of how you feel or behave now... it could be...it may not be or it may only be partially the case...I think only you can work through that and decide...

Part of what you describe in your experience talks of hiding what your cousin did... that speaks of secrecy... secrecy is a very big part of feeling shameful (trying to hide a wrong- doing) etc... so even though you weren't being forced or hurt into it, you both felt on some level that what was happening wouldn't be accepted by adults... that it was wrong and should be hidden in some way..it went on for a year (that's a LONG time for a kid to hold a secret) ..And your cousin was 2 years older than you, which at that age, is alot... so there was a power differential there because she had more knowledge than you and convinced you to do something which she wanted to do... which involved by the sounds of it sexual violation (because of the effects you describe e.g hypersexual arousal)..Was that abusive? Only you can decide that. But maybe we're not looking at whether it abuse or not but how could that experience could have set you up for further things which happened later on?

The secrecy was well established by the time you started using the Internet so one way it may have impacted is that it was a normalised thing to be doing because you were used to it (hiding things of a sexual nature) already. But let me be clear - that wasn't your fault but the lack of adequate adult supervision and protection in your life.

Another way in which the cocsa may potentially have impacted is the fact you say ...

This may or may not be significant. But if you feel aged 7/8 you were hypersexual after a year of your cousin touching you, I think think could be significant. Yes young children do touch each other as part of normal sexual exploration. But usually not in such a systematic and consistent way. And not usually to create or gain sexual pleasure (if that was her aim). Whatever her intention was though, your body responded and it looks like it developed into hypersexual arousal for you when she wasn't around. And this I would say could be a clue that the original COCSA experience had quite a profound impact on your body. As it's not usual for a child of that age to be hyper sexual... those are very big feelings (too big) for a 7/8 year old to be holding...

So together with the lack of adequate parental or adult care in your life around the Internet you searched to keep processing these big sexual feelings... and then the rest followed which likely went on to cause other traumatic responses...

So I think you have ALOT to unpack with a therapist, including the dynamics in your home when you were young and what appears to be a lack of protection so these things couldn't happen to you... plus the original events which happened...

Find a good therapist who is well versed in trauma, and also sexual abuse and preferably cocsa- you'll need someone who can really un pack it. Believe me there are few therapists out there who understand COCSA!! So make sure you ask them if they have experience in dealing with that.

Good luck to you - I think it's incredible how young you are and you're wanting to work through this... Big well done to you

Firstly, I'd like to thank you so much for taking time to read my story. I didn't really expect much people reading so I did not provide as much details as there is.

At the time of the abuse, my father would leave me with my aunt and my cousin that abused me at their house. I had fun with her and we would always play games. He left me there when he went to work. As the abuse began, I remember me feeling gross the first times but my body started to react in a way that I liked. Every-time her mom came by, she would push me off her, acting like she wasn't doing anything. This led me to the mindset of "oh okay, so we can do this in secret but not around people". My father was for sure not aware of this and I had no intention in telling him. My mom was busy with college and trying to get school done with. This is where I had free internet access. MY parents were also going through their divorce so there were distractions. I would first use my mom's iPad and hide it at night and search up inappropriate things. I first searched on youtube and eventually I moved to porn. I was SO SMALL I don't even know how I was able to do this. Something else that I did that I feel so shameful of is that I would go on dating sites and talk to people 2x my age and talk sexually. Just for sexual pleasure.

I live in a very safe and loving home today. I always have, my parents were not thinking their 7-8 year old daughter would be doing this. I don't have a great relationship with my dad, but my mom I feel so safe and she really inspires me. I really feel like these choices I made and what I would do somewhat created future traumas and made me hypersexual. Which, as of most recently, made me act out sexually.

 

[mamachick]

K4waiiari-you have great insight and especially for your age. You acknowledge much of what you do could be harmful, but sound like impulse may get the best of you. It sounds like you are trying really hard to figure it out, and doing so on your own is just too much. I have found that the sooner I have got help for something, the more helpful (before having really bad consequences). Im sure that the things than your mom tells you about has an impact and are seeking in, but again, you want to do what you want to do. There is lots of support on this sight, but working with a specialist can help you focus on these issues much better. I hope you are able to do that.

 

[beaneeboo]

K4waiiari-you have great insight and especially for your age. You acknowledge much of what you do could be harmful, but sound like impulse may get the best of you. It sounds like you are trying really hard to figure it out, and doing so on your own is just too much. I have found that the sooner I have got help for something, the more helpful (before having really bad consequences). Im sure that the things than your mom tells you about has an impact and are seeking in, but again, you want to do what you want to do. There is lots of support on this sight, but working with a specialist can help you focus on these issues much better. I hope you are able to do that.

These are wise words! Read them a few times!

Good luck and keep going... go and get support to help work through all of this ...

 

[Movingforward10]

Does it help to think about age related development, the teenage brain, and then trauma responses? To break it down a bit for you.
Some of what you described is expected from teenagers. It's a confusing time as you're reaching adulthood. Being impulsive, not listening to boundaires, pushing boundaires, they are all part of this stage of development.
The risk taking sexually and thebporn aged 7 etc, these could be adding additional confusions onto this stage of development and could be trauma responses.
Are you able to talk to your mum about all of this? Share with her what you have shared here?
Having an outlet to help you work this through will really help.

 

[k4waiiari]

Does it help to think about age related development, the teenage brain, and then trauma responses? To break it down a bit for you.
Some of what you described is expected from teenagers. It's a confusing time as you're reaching adulthood. Being impulsive, not listening to boundaires, pushing boundaires, they are all part of this stage of development.
The risk taking sexually and thebporn aged 7 etc, these could be adding additional confusions onto this stage of development and could be trauma responses.
Are you able to talk to your mum about all of this? Share with her what you have shared here?
Having an outlet to help you work this through will really help.

I have shared some of it with her but not all of it, because I am embarrassed. She knows about the early hyper sexuality because she would catch me in the act. But some of the other things she doesn't know of. I have a hard time talking to my mom in general because I get really anxious when I talk to her. I start saying things that I'm not trying to say and I end up confusing myself and her A LOT. but when I talk to my closest friends about this, I feel somewhat better and I say the things I mean and feel. I think a lot of it is because I'm scared of her reaction but I'm not sure. I do talk with a therapist and the feeling with her is somewhere in the middle. I feel more comfortable talking to her than my mom, but not how I feel with my closest friend. I haven't even told my closest friend about this. But the thing is, other topics I have tried to talk to my mom about then my words scramble and I start saying nonsense. But with my friend I can talk comfortably and really explain my feelings.