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Relationship Codependency and being a Supporter

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AdamKadmon

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Like many here it seems, I've had really codependent behaviors for much of my life. Even when I've tried to deal with it and stop doing it, I somehow end up doing it anyway (or at least it's twisted around to appear that way).

So my question is: how is it even possible to live with a CPTSD sufferer like my wife and NOT be codependent. Often lately I HAVE to put her needs before mine, either because she's suicidal, suffering more than I am, or just to keep an uneasy peace if I know it's a bad time to engage in a discussion. So it ends up that MY issues with the relationship always have to be swept under the rug - always being blamed for random things I never said or did, being treated as a surrogate for her perp mother, the pessimism, general unhappiness, the lack of trust, the devastating marathon arguments etc. All this creates in me a massive amount of anxiety, insomnia, and borderline panic - but none of that matters because her mental health is worse, dangerous, and needs to always be put first.

My wife is very aware of my codependence and regularly points it out in relation to my family (bailing them out, etc.). But she doesn't seem to see that SHE is the main codependence trigger in my life. I've dealt with the family stuff, but her CPTSD is ever-present and inescapable lately. Is there any way to NOT be codependent in a relationship like this? Is there any way for me to stay healthy in it?
 
Often lately I HAVE to put her needs before mine, either because she's suicidal, suffering more than I am, or just to keep an uneasy peace if I know it's a bad time to engage in a discussion.

Do you want to live like this forever? Because she may never get any better than she is now. She may get worse. You can never know with PTSD. Of course I don’t know her, but it kinda sounds like she knows just what to do to get her way also.

But she doesn't seem to see that SHE is the main codependence trigger in my life.

I’d tell her that honestly if she’s oblivious to it.

Is there any way to NOT be codependent in a relationship like this? Is there any way for me to stay healthy in it?

Yes... you have to stop feeling obligated to manage her mental health and well being. That’s HER responsibility, not yours. You have to realize that being a martyr for this relationship isn’t going to help you or her. You have to decide that you’ve had enough of being her doormat, and that you need to set boundaries for your own mental health.
 
Hmmm, she's not really the type to always try to get her way. She's not normally manipulative, and the very wise things you wrote in your last paragraph she actually says to me. She absolutely does the work, has a good therapist and is doing EMDR.... but when she's in "the zone" all bets are off. It's so much that I become a doormat to be taken advantage of, but a target for all her insecurities and all the things inflicted on her by others in the past.

I have told her much of what I wrote here, again. She hears it and we move on. Until next time.
 
The same standards need to apply no matter what zone she is in. That’s where setting boundaries come in.

Supporters tend to be targeted because we’re “safe”. We love our partners, we’re patient, and we make allowances for behaviors because we understand there is PTSD at play. We’re the closest to them. Unfortunately that tends to make us low-hanging fruit when it comes to lashing out.

It takes awhile to figure out the whole dynamic. Standing up for yourself as you would in any other situation blows up in your face. You also cannot reason with somebody who has a distorted cognition that they need to work out for themself. You cannot do anything about how they’re feeling or the way that they are acting. Your only option is to set and enforce boundaries.

A lot of people don’t even know HOW to set a boundary, much less enforce one. The key is understanding that boundaries are about controlling your own behaviors, and not hers. You are the only person who you have any control over. Boundaries are not ultimatums to make somebody else do something, rather they’re your limits. For example, (and this is just spitballing here) you wouldn’t say to her “you cannot yell at me”, you would say to yourself “I cannot tolerate being yelled at. If she yells, I will not engage and I will exit the situation.” She can do whatever she wants. It’s up to you to not engage and exit the situation every time she yells. That’s enforcing the boundary. You are responsible for communicating the boundary with her and enforcing it. She can respect it or not, but she has no say in your boundary. It’s your limit.

First step is deciding what your lines are, because you have to mean what you say and say what you mean. If you waffle a boundary is worthless. Figure out what your dealbreakers are, what behaviors you cannot tolerate, what you’re willing to negotiate about, and what is forgivable under circumstances. What do you need to be happy? What can you work around?

I also understand how hard it is to not excuse everything “because PTSD”. That’s a common supporter trap. We all do it. However personal accountability is a thing, and nobody gets to make you miserable just because they have mental health issues. Good boundaries make this type of relationship functional and healthy for BOTH of you.
 
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