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General Codependency and codependent tendencies - exploring and overcoming them

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Deleted member 47099

Does codependency ring any bells? Ever wondered what exactly codependent tendencies are? :)

Well, after an initial discussion the other day, @PreciousChild and I found that codependent tendencies are a very interesting and tricky thing - and something worth exploring and outgrowing.

We started talking about it here:
I'm dysfunctionally helpful and don't know how to stop
and would love to discuss the topic with others.

It's quite difficult to grasp "what is codependency" given that we are raised to believe that "helping is good" - so what could possibly be wrong or dysfunctional about helping...??

A good website to get some basic info on codependency is the CoDA.org website (co-dependents anonymous).

@PreciousChild and I also bought the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie and we'll both be referring to that occasionally too and discussing the points raised in the book. (It's available pretty cheap 2nd hand on Amazon etc.)

I'm not sure the title with its reference to "controlling" people is easily understandable and maybe not helpful. While a deeper analysis may reveal that "helping someone to get/ be better" is a very subtle way of controlling their behaviour (trying to make it go from "negative" to "positive") this is probably one of the trickier aspects of codependency and certainly not an obvious aspect that resonates immediately.

Both supporters and peeps with PTSD may find codependency a relevant issue and any input would be really welcome.

Please keep it positive and all about learning and understanding. :)
 
I just want to add that Codependency No More is not a great book for those who get scooped up by a codependent person. My ex was a fixer and a few chapters in——let’s just say I would have thrown the book across the room if it wasn’t the digital version. Just a heads up for those on the other side of the codependent dynamic. I grew tired of the idea that the codependent person was a victim of the mentally ill person/addict.
 
We must have interpreted things differently then. It happens.

I have zero sympathy for my codependent ex who tried to fix me. I am still trying to work out these issues in therapy and will be doing so for quite some time. My inner child is so terrified because of how he pushed therapeutic techniques on her/us. I cannot get her to emerge very often, and most definitely not in therapy.

Now I run from people who want to fix me. It’s nice to be accepted as I am and not be seen as something damaged that must be fixed. This is the ultimate insult IMHO. “You aren’t good enough to be with me unless I can fix you first.”
 
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
I think this ends up being a controlling thing, but I am not certain that the people doing the 'helping' are attempting to control the other - not intentionally anyway. I think the problem is that safety for the codependent is focused externally, In good health for adults, it should be focused inside. Things like what do I need as opposed to what do YOU need.

Leaving this type of behaviour behind is a game changer. I believe that a solid self care routine is the catalyst for it, by and large.
 
I think this ends up being a controlling thing, but I am not certain that the people doing the 'helpin...
Yes, I agree :)
I think the book is really excellent, but the title is poorly chosen.
I don't think the *intention* is to control, but as with any unhealthy dynamic, it eventually turns into something that was never *intended* in the first place.
I think *maybe* ? the title is kind of meant to be confronting?! :)
A way of highlighting that co-dependency has some pretty negative aspects and a way of challenging the idea that "helping" is "wonderful" (yes it is, in some way and in some settings, but not when it reaches the degree of turning into codpendency).
 
I didn't read the book.
Have some thoughts on the difference I'm actually wanting to help and being needed versus codependent behavior though.

I grew up in a very codependent environment.
Both my parents relied on me and I thought of myself as the helper instead of the child and them as fragile instead of strong parents.
In the course of my life, I've learned to identify when my help is needed or when it is codependent in various relationships.
One that comes to mind was this romantic relationship in which he was unstable and needed a lot of support. The support he needed wasn't the support he wanted though. He wanted it to be said that it was alright, that he could behave in any way he pleased because we all loved him unconditionally.
I did just that, which just fueled him temperament that life owed him unconditional love and he didn't need to be a good person to others. We eventually broke up because I grew tired of it all, but for 10 years I stayed his friend and continued to show him unconditional love and support, because that was (or what I thought it was) my role in his life.
I didn't want to control him, he did everything he wanted. I wanted to be loved but was looking at the wrong place.
Same with my parents.
So I really disagree with the question of control, I really do. I think it focus on the wrong thing and diverges the real issues: basic emotional needs.
 
I didn't read the book.
Have some thoughts on the difference I'm actually wanting to help and being need...
I agree the "control" thing is a total red-herring and that is not what that whole book is about, I promise! :)
I'm sure @PreciousChild who is up to Chapt 9 now can confirm this!

The thing is, there are some really weird, subtle and totally counter-intuitive dynamics going on with codependency.
IMO, one of the things we do with codependent behaviour is we "buy love". We give help and get love in exchange.
Now, when we do that a lot, it's a questionable dynamic.
Because - if our self esteem was good - we'd be seeking true love from people who just genuinely like us for who we *are*.
Not people who love us "for our help".

So when you dig deeper with this codependency stuff, you find some pretty bizarre insights...
Like why pick a partner that's a "DIY improvement project" where you try and turn them into the partner you want, instead of just *being with* someone who *is* the kind of partner you want.

Lots of tricky, tricky tricks our brain plays with us ;)

I do think that this is a SPECTRUM.

With healthy, kind, compassionate helping at one end and full-on toxic codependency on the other end.

I dare say most of us are somewhere in the middle and sometimes we're doing normal, kind, compassionate helping, but that (surprisingly often) it slips into a dynamic that is starting to be "kinda" codependent.

And at that point, dynamics creep in that were never, ever "intended" at the start.

I also want to clearly state that I don't think codependency is something "horrible and toxic".

Like any behaviour, there are mild form and, sure, there are extreme forms too.

I think it's a normal part of human functioning but it's something to "watch out for" and to be smart about.

People in "caring" professions like nurses, therapists, etc will often slip into mild codependent tendencies, which can contribute to compassion fatigue.

Parents, IMO, are also quick to slip into mild codependency... Cos children DO just need so much help, especially when they're little... and the line between healthy helping and overbearing helping can be crossed so easily - cos it often can't even be "called" at a certain moment...

So I think this is a natural part of life, but an intersting dynamic to watch out for, in case you get entangled in it and it starts reducing your quality of life. :)
 
There's an interesting thing I've been reading a lot about called "illusory superiority", there's a good wiki article on it.

I wonder if the illusion of superiority plays a role in this behavior. It kinda becomes a useless power play, in these relationships, doesn't it?
 
There's an interesting thing I've been reading a lot about called "illusory superiority", there's a good...
Love it - yes! :)
Do you have any articles/ links on this you would recommend or paste here?
 
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